I Can't Seem To Let You Go

78| Love Will Stay

I open my eyes again, seeing the sun is already on its way down, leaving behind a trail of colors ranging from purple to red. The blue-green waves of the sea move forward and backward continuously, crashing on the shore every now and then.

Stars by Alessia Cara starts to play through my headphones, and I suddenly have a little flashback moment to when I was listening to this song a little before Shawn and I got together. I remember being alone at the park, and realizing then that I loved him, and then stressing over the fact that he might not feel the same way.

When I replay that day in my head, I find myself chuckling a little. Who would've thought that in the few more weeks, I'd be proven completely wrong? And who would've thought that in a few more months, it would all come crashing down?

I know I wouldn't have.

And I didn't want to believe it could be over someday, I was too busy falling in love to think about that. But here, it is neither of our faults, nor will it ever be.

What Shawn and I had was almost like a fairy tale. Seriously, our relationship was so perfect, it was almost nonsense. But it felt so real, because it was real. Almost too real even.

It was special, and I know I keep saying that all the time, but it really was. That's why it's one of the most important highlights of my life so far, because it has altered me in a good way. I didn't think that this could be the end. I didn't realize it was getting closer the more time that went by. I was running so freely and so recklessly, I didn't see the cliff ahead of me, and so I jumped in, not having an idea where I was heading. And now I'm here.

"Just fine a way to get home
There's space in my heart
Open arms for you to run to
Baby, close your eyes and take the leap
To make believe in fairytale
I'll meet you there
Oh, yeah, I'll fall too."

This bit of the song reminds me of him the most, he was there with me when I was listening to it, I remember every detail of that night like it was yesterday. I even remember him telling me I had a lovely voice, and I remember blushing and whispering, "Thanks."

My eyes start to cloud up a little as I recall that night, and I decide to close them and keep listening. I would do anything to go back to that night and fall asleep in his arms again. I would do anything to look him in the eyes and tell him how much I miss him. There will never be enough words to describe how broken-hearted and miserable I am. This song means so much to me, more than anyone could ever know. It describes us both so perfectly, and it has a really sweet and calming effect on me with its deep lyrics and soft melody.

"See, I've wanted you here
All along but my fear
Just keeps haunting me
Won't let me go
So it's hard to say I love you."

As Alessia sings the last word of the bridge, I feel a small tear rolling down my cheek to my chin slowly. I almost want to laugh at myself; this is about the hundredth time I've cried since I had to leave him. If he saw me right now he'd be really mad at me. He never liked it when I cried.

I open my eyes again to look at the ocean, seeing the sun is already halfway down. I pick up a small pebble from beside me, throwing it up in the air once then catching in my hand, before chucking it into the ocean. It skips the water a few times before falling into the water a slightly far distance away from where I am.

I sigh as I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my chin on top of them as the song comes to a close and another begins, thinking of how things could've been so much more different right now, but it's not in my hand. It never was in my hand.