at the edge of the cliff || ✔

chapter thirty-six: just there

at the edge of the cliff

chapter thirty-six: just there

My head began to spin as I took another large swig of the liquor in my hand. The waves crashed below me loudly while the wind whipped my hair around in every direction. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened this morning, so I got this bottle to make myself forget.

But it wasnt helping.

The sky above me seemed to mock me when the rain started to slightly drizzle. Everything spun around until I collapsed on the ground, facing up at the sky. I hear the empty bottle plop as it hits the ground. My eyes flutter shut trying to focus on the rain as it hits my face.

"She wants to see you."

Wen's words from earlier swirled in my head.

"They're having a court hearing in a few days to decide if she's getting out or not."

I then hear myself yelling. Screaming. Crying. As she told me that maybe my mother, who was still in jail for something she didn't do, won't get out as soon as we thought, I felt sick.

Why wouldn't they let her out.

Why would they want to keep her there?

She didn't belong there.

"She wants to see you, Shay."

I shake my head.

Could I even face my mother? Especially when it would be behind a glass.

On the way here I kept thinking: what if she is mad at me? What if she is angry that I didn't say anything sooner. That maybe I could have gotten her out of there a long time ago.

Or what if she gets out and she figures out I've been adopted. What if she thinks that I forgot about her. What if-

My head begins to pound as the rain falls harder. There is the faint sound of thunder somewhere in the distance. I push myself up, feeling more lightheaded by the second. I let out a frustrated scream as I pull on the ends of my hair.

Why won't my brain just shut up?

I look around the cliff. I don't know what I was looking for, but my eyes scanned the clearing as I spun around in a circle. Then they landed on the water. I stumbled to the edge peering over. The waves were raging and crashing against the cliff side. Maybe that's what is going to take.

I stumble backwards as I pull my hoodie over my head leaving me in a tank top. I feel the chill bumps rise on my arms. Taking one last deep breath I let myself fall on the cliff. My body goes numb as the harsh wind hits me as I fall. I was facing the sky, so my eyes stayed glued to the grayness above me as I hit the water. My eyes go wide as I look around under the water. There's a buzz in my ears. Every thing is calm. All I am thinking about is the water; until a wave comes crashing through pushing me towards the shore. I let my body go limp, just trusting the water as it pushes me where it wants me to go. I don't fight. I don't do anything. I am just. . .there. Floating.

I guess the water didn't want to take me down just yet because suddenly I could feel the bottom, my toes squishing in the sand. Next thing I know I'm on the beach, looking out at the water. Numb. No thoughts. No feelings. No nothing. Not even really feeling like a person.

I was just there.

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I trudged through the hallway slowly not feeling up to do anything today. The past few days have been. . .hard. Rough. Slow. Painful. Draining. I keep thinking of my mom. I keep thinking of what's happening to her. I keep thinking of how much of a horrible daughter I am.