In the Office (ManxTransWoman)

Chapter 28

{Imagine~ Ariana Grande}

Thierry's pov:

The night of Olivia's confession

After I made Olivia leave, I finally let myself crumble. I curled onto the couch and let the tears I was holding back fall. I could not wrap my head around it. She lied to me? I mean, I know I kept stuff from her in the beginning too but I have bared everything to her in the hospital. Did she not trust me? Did she find me unworthy?

'What did you expect? Just because you've confessed your past doesn't mean you're not still nothing more than a disgusting toy. You're still a monster, boy. Did you see how much you've hurt her? You're nothing.'

I clenched my head and willed away Uncle Davi's voice. It was not suppose to be this way. I was suppose to be better and happier. I thought confessing would finally set me free. Olivia and I would work this time. I am still messed up. I will never improve and regain myself fully. They will always control me.

I was not suppose to drink much on my medication, one glass of wine wasn't a problem. I was itching to go to my liquor cabinet and drink everything I could find though. Start back my old habits of self medicating and comforting. The wounds on my body seem to sting, dark thoughts slipping into my mind. I wanted to rip off all my bandages and tear into the cuts, desperate to make them disappear.

'I am losing it. I need to call someone. I cannot let this happen again.'

I stumbled to my phone and yanked it from the counter top, pressing the numbers furiously. I tapped my foot impatiently as I waited for the other line to answer.

"Hey, Thierry! Did we leave something behind again?" Danny asked, giggling slightly.

"Come over, please. Just you." I rasped, clicking the end the call.

My body seemed to weigh a thousand pounds and I drugged myself back to the couch. I just needed Danny to be here and hold me like old times. He knew what I needed. I would tell him what happened between me and Olivia. I will keep her secret though. I owned her that much at least.

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First therapy appointment

I was not excited about today. I knew I needed it though and even told Danny to schedule me for three days a week with two different therapists, one the hospital recommended and one that was considered one the the best in all of NYC. Dr. Natalie Potter and Dr. Ryan Haynes, two very well trained and respected professionals. I would go to Dr. Potter's twice a week and Dr. Haynes' once a week. I wanted two different perspectives and the two therapists actually agreed and planned to work together on my case.

I know I should not feel this way but I feel like a nut case. I am not used to being this vulnerable and open all the time. I hate it. I am suppose to be a man. Uncle Davi and Aunt Cassandra would surely mock me now. Perhaps I am just a boy that never grew to be a man. Is that why I cannot seem to keep Olivia close? She deserves better than some poor abused fool.

Danny was driving me to the appointment, insisting that he be waiting for me in the lobby for every appointment. I know he worries for me. He has since kindergarten when he decided that we were to be friends. I frowned at the copper head, his eyes focused on the road. His creased eyebrows, dark under eyes, and gnawed bottom lips let me know just how worried he was. I am not a good friend. Maybe I should separate myself from him too. I deserve a life of solitude so I cannot hurt or bother anyone with my problems anymore.