daddy. // the 1975

twenty eight //if i could i would feel nothing

every point of view is willows unless it says matty xoxo

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getting home to new york was dreadful. the flight was horrible, my feelings were horrible, and i was going back to the horrible home. i wasn't even sure how my mom would react. for all i know, she could be done with me as she mentioned.

i have a job now, at least.

my flight landed early this morning, i got a taxi ride to my house around 7 am. i quietly walked inside to see a few bags and boxes. the bigger box said "willow" on it. i sighed and walked into my room to see completely bare furniture. she was still adamant on kicking me out. my blood began to boil.

i stomped around the house looking for my mom. she wasn't home. i checked my purse for the spare key to liz's old apartment. she's here for a short time, that seemed to be the only place i could go to.

i piled up the boxes and bags into my car, which to my surprise was still here. i drove over to the apartment. i could get furniture later.

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"so, you left because matty fucked you over?" liz said quizzically as we ate takeout on a rug.
"i couldn't handle it, liz. i really did love him, but it was torture to be there," i explained.
"so, are you planning to not talk to him again?" liz asked.

quite frankly, i wasn't even sure. it seemed like the right thing to do. but i still want him. i want to make this work. i don't want to give up.

"liz, i don't know anymore," i said, "i mean, it was fun at first, but now i'm seeing the real him."
"you have a point there, but girl power! get on it with that modeling job," she smiled at me. "stop thinking about him."

"liz," i said, "what about george? are you still seeing him?"
"um," she coughed, "we're still together, i just haven't seen him in about a month. "
"oh," i said disappointedly.

at least liz is happy.

"i'm gonna talk to matty, and see what happens. i'm just not sure when." i said.

"damn, who's blowin' up your phone?" liz giggled. my phone had got at least 10 messages in last few seconds.

3 new messages george
there's been an accident.
matty isn't doing well.
willow he keeps asking for you

4 new messages from ross
willow please pick up!
this is really important
matty is in the hospital

3 new messages from adam
wils ring me back asap
there's an issue
get back soon please

"something happened to matty," i said. liz looked up at me.
"like what?" she said with a mouthful of food.
"i don't know," i shrugged.

i called george immediately. maybe this was really serious.

"george what's going on?" i frantically asked him.
"it's matty, he's not doing alright. he was found passed out in public. a mix of alcohol poisoning, plus cocaine," george said.

fuck fuck fuck. matty, what the fuck? now I have to help you with sobriety, healy? what do i do?

"oh, god," i said. i felt a pit in my stomach. "is he okay at least?"
"he's stable, but you should get here quick. he keeps asking for you," george said.

back i go..

but what will happen with us next?

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matty's point of view

i woke up uncomfortably with fluorescent lights blinding my eyes. i looked around and saw george and adam sitting beside me. adam raised his eyebrows and left the room.

"you're up," george said.
"what's going on?" i said. george bit his lip.
"good to see you're awake now, mr. healy," a man said walking in, "i'm dr. nortz."
"can you tell me why i'm here?" i snapped.
"you were walking the streets in the early hours of the morning when someone called the police in your concern. we found traces of cocaine, and high levels of alcohol. you were way past the legal drinking limit. you were found laying in a park near a venue," dr. nortz explained.

"fuck," i muttered. not again.
"now, given your past, this should be probation. but given the circumstances, we're offering a compromise; attendance to an anger management program, and an addicts anonymous support group."

"fuck that, and fuck you. i'm not an alcoholic or drug addict, and i definitely don't have any anger issues!" i exclaimed loudly.

maybe i do have problems. that's why i scared away willow.

"mr. healy, being drunk in public is a large fine. probation is a pain, also. this is solely your choice, but i don't recommend probation again," he said.

i sighed loudly, "ill do your fucking shit classes."
"they're going to help, mr. healy."

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i tried calling willow multiple times today. i needed to hear from her. i needed to talk to her. i needed her more than ever.

i knew she wasn't going to come back. she wasn't fooling anyone.

"willow, please, call me back. i need to hear your voice." i left yet another, sappy voicemail.

i wouldn't be surprised if willow never speaks to me again. i don't blame her for not wanting to be here, or be with me.. i'm getting really tired of myself, too. i can't stop fucking everything up.

 
"run out of girls, yet?" i heard someone say. i turned to see ellie. 

the last girl i ever want to see. 

"oh, would you piss off?" i griped.
"you know, i saved your ass. you owe me big time," she said. "not everyone would come running to your aide the way i did."

"have some compassion," i spat. 
"have compassion? you're telling me to have compassion? look at yourself, healy. you ruined a tour, ruined a girls life, ruined yourself, and made everyone hate you. you did it to yourself," she said with a sarcastic smile. 

"i'm sorry, ellie. i don't know what i did to make you be such a bitch towards me. just leave me alone. you're my least concern right now."

"don't worry, i'm done helping you, too," she said, then walked away.

i can't seem to please anybody anymore. is it even worth trying anymore? am i even still passionate about music?

maybe leaving the band and manchester would do me some good..

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iamsorrydontkillme

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