daddy. // the 1975

twenty five // me

enjoy this cute pic of matty

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we had stayed in england. we just drove a few hours from our area. joel and i lounged around and talked for a few hours.

"i've been enjoying this, willow," he smiled at me.
"i have, too," i nodded.
"id best start getting ready," he said. this was my cue to leave, i assume.
"where can i see you?" he asked. i didn't understand his question.
"see me?" i asked.
"like, the crowd, the stage, a table..." he dragged on.

get your head out of the gutter, willow.

"i'll be in the box in front of the stage. it's on balcony, you'll see me perfectly," i smiled at him.
"ill be looking for you, willow," he said. i smiled at him and walked back to the bus.

i stepped inside and was surrounded by shouting.
"no!" adam screeched.
"oh," i said jokingly. "what is happening here?"
"this game is fucking rigged!" ross yelled.
"it's not rigged, you just suck," george added. i started to laugh at these idiots.

"oh, um, hey willow," ross scoffed.
"having fun?" i asked.
"cards against humanity is rigged," he explained.
"poor ross," i laughed. i walked to the back room, completely forgetting matty would be back there. to my luck, he was asleep.

i silently walked around the bed to my bag. i should probably freshen up before the show. matty lifted his head up and shrugged. i wasn't ready to talk yet. plus, he should be the one to talk. this mess was all his fault.

"willow," he whispered. i pretended i didn't hear anything.
"i know you're ignoring me, but i want to talk."

"what?" i asked. maybe he'll come clean before i have to confront him.
"i invited ellie over yesterday to, um, hang out. we kissed at one point, but that was all," he sighed. hearing that only made me feel more broken and empty. he somehow keeps hurting me and i come back.

i knew it was more than a hang out. he's not any different than the next guy.

i knew i couldn't trust him. i sat down on the bed. at a loss for words, i just breathed. i felt my heart pounding and breaking at the same time. this anxious gut feeling is a pain like no other.

"i thought i could trust you," i choked. "matty, it hurts." i gulped for breath as i hyperventilated.
"willow, we aren't dating yet, and i know i fucked up, okay?," he said harshly.
"i know, but what do you call this? dating without calling it dating? then you do that to me," i said, "were you just using me until you could find someone?"

he looked down and bit his lip.
"i tried telling you this wasn't a good idea," he sighed, "i'm destructive. I ruin things."
"so, you do me wrong instead of let us be happy together?" i gawked at his words.
"it wasn't my intention," he said.
"are you sure about that?" i said, "matty, i changed a lot of future plans to stick by your side. i left my home country to be with you. for gods sake matty, my mom is on the verge of not speaking to me because of you."

"willow, i know, i know," he said.

he doesn't understand what i've sacrificed to be here with him. what has he sacrificed for me? are we even exclusive? his personality has changed since we first met.

"sort yourself out, matty," i said as i walked away.

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wolf alice went first. after they finished, joel met me in the box. i was hardly paying attention to the 1975 playing.

"not interested?" joel raised his eyebrows.
"not at the moment, no," i scoffed.
"something happen?" he asked.
"not exactly, matty is just a piece of shit. too many mind games, i'm starting to lose it," i sighed.

"i'm happy you came to the realization. i don't like him much myself," he agreed, "you can always stay with us if you need a break."

i picked at my fingers. i didn't want to talk about it anymore. i don't know how i would fix this situation. it's not even my fault to be fixing. i want to run, but i have no where to go.

"what's he doing down there?" joel exclaimed. i looked down to see matty bopping around stage holding a joint. it was hardly dancing, he was jumping around and bobbing his head.

i fought the urge to say, typical matty. always fucking something up.

i listened closely.

i was thinking about killing myself, don't you mind, don't you mind?

he was singing me. i watched him as he passionately sang into the microphone. joint in one hand; microphone in another. his vocals were soft, softer than the actual key. "he's off tune," i whispered. what was up with him?

"what?" joel asked.
"he's off tune," i replied, "he's really off."
i kept my eyes mesmerized to the stage. everyone seemed to be playing correctly, except matty.

don't you mind...
matty dropped the microphone, making a loud thud. he dropped on his knees beside the microphone. he sang out the next part loudly along with the crowd.

"i love you, don't you mind, don't you mind?"

does he really love me?
why doesn't he say it?
why doesn't he act like it?

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me always puts ME in my feels lmao.
almost at 1k reads omg

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