daddy. // the 1975

forty two // do me a favour

matty was only able to stay for 3 days. tonight is his last night here. i've been making him sleep on the couch. i don't want any romance with him right now. they ended up having to postpone a few shows due to the incident. it seems like he only goes off the rails when he's on tour. i don't understand it.

when we're not arguing, our conversations have been minimal and awkward. small talk hardly exists between us right now. given all of the urgent news and thoughts, we have more important things to talk about. we both get hotheaded easily, and a talk turns into yelling.

"what about your new job with the agency?" matty broke the silence.
"i'm going to be transferred back to manchester soon," i said, "i'm thinking about just jumping ship and leaving sooner. i can only do so many maternity shoots, anyways."
"you don't need to be working right now, willow. it's adding to your stress. whatever happens, i'll make sure you're taken care of. you can go back to manchester when you want to." matty said.

i nodded. "i know you will, but i think maybe we should be thinking about what our lives would be like apart from each other," i stated, "i need time to figure everything out." matty's face dropped. he doesn't understand how i feel. he can apologize all he wants to, and promise me things are okay. nothing will make a difference in how i feel.

"i understand," he replied.
"i think it's best if we aren't thinking about an engagement right now, too," i added.
"willow, no," he stammered, "we can work it out. i'll take care of us, i'll end this tour right now to be by your side. whatever you want is yours, i don't know why you want things to be this way."
"matty, you don't fucking understand and i can't make you get it. this is actually the first time i've not wanted to be around you," i sarcastically laughed, "i feel lost, hurt, and betrayed. i need time to myself so i don't make any decisions i'll regret."

"i cant make you happy, willow, and that's all i want to do," he said "i'm fucking thousands of miles away, while you're pregnant alone. do you fucking think  i'm not stressed and anxious too?"
"we both are, i know," i replied. 
"willow, all i can think about is you being alone, cooped up, and getting more depressed. you're losing your job, and i know you're not handling any of this news well." he said.

"matty, do you think that doesn't fucking scare me too?" i said raising my voice "you know what else scares me?" he raised his eyebrows at me, i continued, "i'm terrified of committing to marrying you, and raising a child together after this."
"i don't know what more i can say. it was honest to god a bloody mistake, yes im a fucking idiot, is that what you want to hear?" he said.
"how many more bad moments will there be, matty? we're having a child. there's no room to fuck up anymore," i replied.
"for gods sake willow, i said i fucked up and it won't happen again," he said.

"why does it take me being pregnant for you to decide you won't fuck up again? you should want to do good for me, for us," i said.
"i know, i know. we can't keep fucking circling back and forth on this, willow. i don't know what more you want me to say," he said. at this point, our conversation felt more like yelling.

"okay, fine. now what? we tell your mom who hates my fucking guts for no reason? then we tell my mom who's going to be disappointed?" i retorted.
"fuck," he muttered under his breath, then sighed, "we have to tell them at some point soon. you're already halfway along."
"im going to fly into new york and have a reveal with friends and family. i'll tell my mom then," i said.
"then we'll tell my mum once we get back to manchester," he said, "when should we announce online?"
"i don't care anymore, matty. we might as well just do it now," i said. his mom will likely see online anyways, but my mom won't know anything till i see her.

+

i mustered up the courage to put on a cute maternity outfit for liz to take a photo of us. time to pretend to be happy and pretend i want to be around matty. this is why i hate social media. everyone acts so happy all the time. the behind the scenes is never how it looks.

to my surprise, the fan base is taking it well. i'm feeling lots of support and love. the judgment isn't as harsh as i expected it to be. fans are still sharing the video of him at the bar. he hasn't said anything about it. it won't go away.

hearing congratulations feels weird. i don't feel happy enough to be congratulated on anything.

"we're getting loads of love about this," matty said. i simply nodded in response. we sat across from each other at the hotel eating in mostly silence.

"when is the reveal going to be?" matty asked.
"in 2 weeks," i replied, "but, i think it's best that you don't come. i can have liz video it for you," i said.
"why do you want to shut me out so badly, willow? it hurts. i want things to be normal," he said.
"im fucking hurting too, matty! want nothing more than things to be normal too, matty. we both have a lot to think about right now. like i said, i want time to myself," i said.

my heart broke saying that. i never thought it'd come to this.

"fuck this, willow. i've done everything i can to make things right, i can't fuckin' go back in time and change things or else i would. i said i'd take care of you, i offered to quit my dream to be by your side, but nothing is enough," he said in an aggressive tone.

we never used to speak to each other this way.

"but have you matty? have you done everything to make this right? i have to quit my fucking dream as it is. there is no way to make things right. you need fucking help that isn't coming from me," i said back to him, "i cant fix your problems. i cant make you control your alcoholism. i wish i fucking could, believe me. you need to go sober. completely!"

"what are you trying to say? i need rehab again?" he scoffed at me, "i want to be involved with this pregnancy. i want to be there every step of the way."

again, a conversation that turns into yelling and arguing.

i raised my voice and said, "matty, stop, i cant fucking do this anymore! i don't even want to see your fucking face! you have a problem, and now a mugshot. something's gotta give! i'm always the one making excuses and cleaning up your messes."

"i know, and it's not fair to you. i'm sorry for everything i've put you through. i never wanted you to deal with my problems. i never meant to hurt you the way i have. i'll get better, for us," he said as he grabbed my hand. his hand rubbing over where i would've been wearing my engagement ring. it's been off since.

"we'll see, matty," i sighed.
"i'll see myself out tomorrow morning, i won't bother you," he said. i nodded.

what have we become?

++++
hi guyssss thanks for all of the love
the story will prob wrap up in a few more chapters ! i know i said that a few chapters ago, but i keep changing my ideas lol

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p.s.