daddy. // the 1975

thirty nine // avalanche

if i had it my way, i'd stay in bed sobbing. i've been in shock for a few days now. i can barely function, i'm so upset. i still had to get up to do a shoot today, followed by my first baby appointment.

i sat up and checked my phone. 1 new voicemail from matty. i clicked play. this stupid ass man. he drunk called and left a voicemail. rookie mistake. i sighed loudly and texted him cover your tracks better next time, matty. love you. this isn't the first time he's drunk called me, it's been happening every so often.

given the recent news and worries, i don't have extra time to think about his behavior. i don't know when i'll tell him about the baby. i don't know how he will react either. it's already stressful enough.

i slipped on my outfit for shoot. i would have to tell the agency today i'm pregnant. i'm not sure what comes next.
"it's gonna be okay, no matter what," liz said to me on my way out. "and stop crying, your face is getting puffy."  I laughed with her before heading to the studio. 

+

once I arrived, i headed straight to the bosses office. I hadn't spoken the the boss, marlene, much. i didn't know what to expect.
"hi, good morning, marlene," i said tapping on her office door.
"good morning, willow is it?" she sat at her desk looking at me.

"i have something to be discussed," i said. she gestured her hands for me to sit down.
"i just found out im pregnant," i stuttered, "i don't know anything yet and i don't know how it affects my job here."
marlene sighed, "we allow it until a certain point. we will have to keep measurements everyday, once it's past our limit, you'll have to be transferred back to your agency in manchester."

no no no. i cant escape this fuck up now.

"oh.. okay," i said. my voice slightly cracked.
"i'm sorry, willow. it's just policy and outlined in contracts. we can offer a few maternity shoots, but i can't guarantee anything more than that."

my heart sank. i felt broken. i didn't want to lose this job and move back to manchester.

as i excused myself, marlene said, "oh, and tell alissa to pull bigger sizes for now." she smiled at me.

ugh

+

after a long day, i finally made it back to the hotel. i feel so exhausted these days. luckily, liz was there to support me at the appointment. she decided to stay for some extended time to make sure i'm not alone. here or not, i don't think i've felt this alone and lost in a long time.

"i cant believe you're 18 weeks," liz said shocked.
"me too, liz," i said sarcastically.
"and you had no idea. that's a new fear for me," she said. i glared at her. "sorry," she muttered. trust me, it's a new fucking fear for me too.

"we're definitely having a gender reveal, and baby shower. i'm planning both! eek!" liz said excitedly. given my term so far, the sex can be detected. liz is the only one who knows for now. she seems happier than me.

"liz," i sighed. "i don't know if i want to do this still. adoption is still an option." if i wasn't going to keep this baby, there would be no point in celebrating.
"i fully understand, but when will you tell matty?" she asked.
"i don't know, maybe the next time i see him," I replied.
"do you think he'll be excited?" she trailed on.
"liz, i don't know anything anymore," i sighed.

i really couldn't explain an expected reaction. we're both still new and working on ourselves and careers. matty is somewhere almost every week, and i'm always finding a gig to do. we definitely weren't planning. if anything, poor planning. it's not that i think matty would be unsupportive, i think it would be as shocking for him as me. he wouldn't know how to react, much like me.

not to mention, we have to plan a wedding still. if anything, this would push back any of those plans. when would i tell everyone i'm pregnant? how much judgment would i face? can i really handle this?

i slipped out of my thoughts and decided to call matty. i cant hold this in for too long. we need to find time to see each other as soon as we can.

"hi," my voice softly spoke in the phone.
"hey, darlin', what's poppin'?" he said in his usual happy voice. i already felt better.
"um," i stuttered, "i just really miss you."
"i know you do, i miss you, too," he said sighing, "i know it's been hard, but i'll have some downtime next week." he replied. thank god.
"are you coming here?" i asked.
"i can, or you can meet me," he said.

with how bad i've been feeling, i don't think i could do a plane ride.
"can you come here? i think that would be better," i said.
"are you doing alright, love?" he asked concerned.
"yeah, no, everything is fine. just missing you," i said. i don't think he's convinced.
"i'll be there soon enough. i love you," he said.

one week. only one more week of waiting until i can get this off my chest. i'll feel better, surely. i'm starting to feel like i'm lying to myself these days.