daddy. // the 1975

twenty three // crash

"so, matty is mad at you?" alissa raised her eyebrows as we sorted through outfits.
"i think he still is. he was jealous of me talking to joel," i explained.
"sounds childish if you ask me," she scoffed.
"i agree," i said.
"but, that's matty. he's always been the same," she said. the same? did she know matty prior to when he came in?

"um," i dragged on. "are you familiar with him?" i asked. she bit her lip.
"uh, somewhat. my boyfriend, oliver, used to be in rehab. i saw matty there around a year ago. something with drugs, i think. when i would visit oliver, i could hear yelling and fighting from his area. matty caused a lot of fights. supposedly it was from the drugs, but i'm really not sure," she explained. she seemed nervous about it.

"i don't think he knew me, though. i knew his name. i heard it every time i was there, which was frequently. matty carried a past of destruction with him," she sighed. why didn't she tell me sooner?

"oh," i said. was this true?
"he also had a horrible temper. he would smash things against the tables. it disturbed some of the other residents," she said. i could believe that. matty did get angered easily and he tended to walk away, or lash out.

did he recover, though? why was he there to begin with? was he alone? i had so many questions that i couldn't ask. i wasn't even certain if i wanted to know the answers.

+

"i'm home," i said, walking inside the apartment.
"oh," i heard matty shout. "one second." i stayed in the kitchen. out of the hallway, matty walked into the kitchen with ellie.

ellie? what was she doing here? i was boiling with anger. he was getting back at me.

"hi, willow, right?" she smiled at me. i nodded at her. matty stood there smiling. asshole.

"i was just leaving, but we should catch up sometime," she said kindly. i remained bitter and ignored her. i walked into the living room and paced circles until she left.

"thank you for coming, bye ellie," matty smiled. he walked by the door and gave her hug as she left.

"what the fuck is up?" matty shouted walking into the living room. bad temper. for some reason, it was still hot.
"why was she here!" i shouted back. this is starting to get toxic, quickly.
"i can't hang out with girls?" he yelled.
"i can't talk to guys!" i screamed. i was furious. he gets mad at me for talking to joel, but he had ellie over. he expects me to not be mad.

deep down, i just wand matty. he's all i want.

matty shouted and brushed a stack of books from the coffee table onto the floor, making a loud sound. the sound made me jump back.

"matty," i whispered, not wanting to make him angrier.
"don't!" he screamed, "you've done enough." i started to panic. i really made him mad. it didn't even seem serious enough for his reactions.

bad temper, past of drugs, what else is next?

i saw matty trudging to the door.
"where are you going?" i asked.
"don't fucking follow me this time," he said. he slammed the apartment door.

+

around 2 am, i heard the door open. i slowly crept out of the pastel room, and peered my head out. matty had came in.

he held a bottle of vodka in his hand. he took a sip and slammed the bottle down, followed by a groan.

he leaned his body over the kitchen counter and let his neck fall. a few seconds later, his head started to bang against the fridge doors. a loud thud every few seconds.

"go away," he said monotonously. i didn't reply. i remained in the doorway watching him.
"i said go away, didn't i?" he looked down and said it slightly louder.

though, he wasn't being aggressive this time.

i still didn't listen. i kept watching him hit his head. why is he self destructive? why does he have so many problems? I just want to love him.

"go away!" he said. he threw a cup onto the ground, causing it to shatter to a million pieces. i quickly turned back and went into the room. his temper is startling me, i'm holding back everything from going into panic mode. this isn't matty.

i shut the door and latched the lock quickly. i stood by the door. a few seconds later, i heard movement against the door, followed by silent sobs. it was matty sobbing against my door.

his fingers ran over the door and slowly thumped.
"willow," he cried out.

i've dealt with a lot for my age, but nothing like this. i know how i feel about him, but his actions can't make up for it.

"yes, matty," i responded. i hesitated to open the door.
"please let me in, i don't want to sleep alone on the couch," he said, as he continued to lightly tap the door.

i let out a sigh, followed by unlocking the door. his hair, messier than usual, his eyes looked sunken in with dark rings around them. he looked awful, clearly wasted.
"get in bed," i said, as i helped him up off the floor.
"willow, i'm sorry," he cried, laying his head on me. i don't know if i should've let him in here. he can't think this is okay. none of this is okay. 

i'm not sure if he actually is. he is still drunk talking to me.

"we will talk about it tomorrow, go to sleep," i said

i began to wonder if i've made a bad decision. maybe my mom was right after all.

+

:( sad

vote comment n share <3 ily all very much