daddy. // the 1975

forty // ivy

maternity shopping. it's more of a nightmare than you'd think.

i stood still staring at my reflection in the mirror. my body is changing everyday and i can't do anything about it. i know postpartum is going to kick my ass given how i've already been feeling worse.

why are maternity clothes so ugly? i'm already hating my body, patterned floral church looking dresses aren't helping.

"willow, do you need help in there?" liz called from outside my dressing room.
"these clothes need help," i replied sarcastically, "these outfits are hideous."
"you have to work with what you've got," she retorted.

we checked out with the few items i could tolerate wearing and headed to a cafe for lunch.

"so," liz said, "let's address the elephant in the room, are you going to move back to manchester?"
"i know i will eventually, i'm just not sure when. my time in paris is going to be cut short, since i'll be transferred back," i said to her.
"you wouldn't want to stay here?" she asked.

as much as i love paris, we still have an obligation to be in manchester. i don't think living here would be an option for us, sadly.

"no," i scoffed, "we live in manchester. temporarily moving to here was the only option for this job, and you see how that turned out." she shrugged back to me.
"matty and i will likely end up moving back in manchester. but, that's another concern. i don't know if we'll stay in an apartment or buy a house. i would like a house, but i never know what matty wants," i said.
"with a baby on the way, a house seems more ideal. i mean, you're engaged already," she said.
"we've already done everything out of the order we wanted to, there's not much else that could go wrong now," i sighed.

+

once we got back to the hotel, i decided to take a bath and try to relax. against popular opinion. everyone seems so opinionated about what pregnant women do. i could be obliterated online for simply doing something that brings me peace, all because of a pregnancy.

i stared at my tiny, yet piercing baby bump. i wonder what this baby will be, how it will change my life, what this baby could grow up to be one day.

the thought suddenly dawned on me.
i'm having matty healy's baby. this isn't just a baby. a celebrities baby. kind of? matty's never been one to call himself famous, though he is.

great. if i did give it up for adoption, i can only imagine a psycho would have their heart set on our baby - for all the wrong reasons. my heart warmed at the thought of matty being a father.

daddy in a different way, i guess.
the caring, loving, and thoughtful man he is would make a great father. but i can't say i'd make a great mother. i only know trauma and unhealthy relationships with my parents. my father has never been involved, and my mom was there, yet absent at the same time. we've worked hard to fix our bond, but it's still bent.

what if i continued the generational curse? i feel like i haven't matured enough to be in a position to fully understand how to fix my trauma, to prevent it happening to my child. the small amount of family i have is in the states, we're in manchester. there would be nothing but absent grandparents, which breaks my heart too. i don't know how much i want matty's mom involved, given how much of a bitch she was to me.

it's moments like this i wish i had a better relationship with my mom. i wish we were closer in every aspect. she wouldn't be here to help me the way most moms do. she likely wouldn't even be here for the labor.

i feel constantly conflicted. on one hand, i'm not ready. on another, i feel this was meant to happen for a reason i can't understand yet. the thought of someone else raising our child makes me queasy. i cant let anyone take this baby from me.

i stepped out of the bath and put on my coziest pajamas. i've been having to up my skincare routine due to the pregnancy. my skin hasn't felt this gross in so long. it reminds me of those puberty breakouts i experienced in middle school.

i climbed into bed and closed my eyes shut to make the thoughts stop.

+

ring. ring. ring.

a constant beeping sounded from my phone waking me up from my slumber. i looked over at liz, who was awoken by the sound as well.
"who is calling right now?" she yawned.

it's 4 am. who the fuck is calling me this late?

"it's an unknown number," i sighed. probably a prank phone call or crazy fan. despite my nervous, sleepy mind, i answered.

"hello?" i muttered into the phone, half awake.
"willow, it's me." matty? he sounded anxious.
liz sat up in the bed, inching closer to my phone.

"i'm in jail."

fucking great.