daddy. // the 1975

forty one // bad habit

i woke up with an empty feeling inside. my eyes stinging with pain from my crying myself to sleep. liz and i sat in silence for most of the morning. now afternoon, still in the same spot. i haven't left bed. liz is struggling to find ways to comfort me these days more and more. most of the time, she can't do anything but watch me cry. but i'm still happy she's been here for me. i feel like she's all i have lately.

when it rains, it fucking pours. i can tell you that. every time i think things can't get worse, they somehow do. this is a recurring thought. i even had to call my fucking work and explain i can't go in for a few days. i might as well call this job a lost cause at this point.

i laid anxiously next to my phone, liz sitting up a few feet away.
"he's gonna call me back," i sobbed in my pillow.
she nodded, "do you want me to get us food? do you want water?"
"no," i said distraught. the crying has taken my appetite away.

i don't really know what happened. the phone call felt like a blur. my head was fuzzy, and i slowly disassociated when he spoke to me. all i know is he is temporarily in jail. jamie is supposed to be getting him out today. jamie and all of the boys have been texting and calling nonstop. i see it all, but i'm unresponsive. matty is going to look me in the eyes and tell me everything. i don't want to hear it from anyone else.

"willow," liz called out, "um, i don't want to make things worse than they already are, but matty is viral right now." i felt a shiver run through my body.
"i don't want to know," i said to her. all i wanted to do was stare at the blank wall.

it's been over a month since i've seen matty. i'm pregnant, and he's in jail. i'm constantly working and exhausted, i never have time to do anything fun. meanwhile, he works somewhat hard, and still finds time to fuck up.

incoming call from matty. fucking finally.

"hello," i said with no emotion.
"i'm flying into paris tonight. i'll be there at 10. jamie packed my bag and booked a flight. i'll see you soon." he said.
"okay," i said. i didn't even want to bother with meaningless chat. i hung the phone up.
liz stood up from the bed and said, "i'm going to make arrangements to stay somewhere for a few days. you two can have time to talk things out. i'll be close by and a phone call away." she hugged me.

+

it's nighttime now. matty would be getting here soon. i didn't make arrangements for him to get to the hotel. he can figure it out on his own. i don't have the energy.

i hadn't ate all day and stayed in bed. i muttered up the strength to get a hot shower, all to just get back into bed.

liz brought me some fruit and water to hydrate myself. i had mild body shakes as i tried to eat the smallest amount of food. on top of it all, i'm extremely nauseated.

fuck. i'm gonna puke.

i ran to the bathroom and threw up the little fruit i had in my stomach immediately. baby, plus anxiety. i don't know what's worse right now. i laid back into bed, nervously awaiting matty's arrival.

the door latch clicked moments later. matty trudged in dragging his suitcase behind him. i thought i was a mess, i've never seen matty look so horrible before. his eyes deeply sunken in with dark circles framing him.

i laid in silence as he took his coat off and sat next to where i was laying in the bed.
"i'm sorry," matty muttered to me.
"i am too, matty," i retorted. granted, i would be pissed either way, but now i'm having to think about our baby. our baby he doesn't know about.
"matty, what the fuck happened? have you lost your goddamn mind?" i raised my voice to him.

"we went to a bar after the show. i had too much to drink, and i ended up getting into a fight. then i flipped a table, and the next thing i know, the cops were there to get me. i was arrested in miami," he said. miami. of course it was fucking miami.
i sighed, at a loss for words. i couldn't even react.

"jamie bailed me out. if i pay the fine, i don't have to go to court. everything will be fine," he grabbed my hand. i pulled back.

"don't be like this," he said to me, "i'm here for a few days, we can talk it out. tour is over in about a month, soon enough we'll be back home."

"matty, you don't understand. i'm losing everything, my life is changing day by day." i said to him. he gave me a confused look.

fuck it. fuck the cute pregnancy announcement i wanted to do. fuck trying to make everything seem great.

i stood up, and got in front of him as he sat on the end of the bed. in my sleep shorts and thin top, my bump refusing to not be seen.

"and no, matty, i don't think everything will be fine," i said to him. his eyes widened and jaw dropped.
"willow, oh my god," he choked. his head fell into hands.
"i'm 20 weeks," i said. he lifted his head up, and tears ran down his face.
"how long have you known?" he said, as he gently put his hand over my bump, "do you know what we're having?"
"i've known for about 2 weeks now. i don't know the sex yet," i retorted.
"i let you down, willow," his voice cracked, "i haven't been here when you needed me most, and i'm sorry," he sniffled more.
i sat next to him, and softly cried, "i'm scared, matty. i don't know if i can do this."

"it was a bad moment, willow. i've been okay for awhile now, you know that," he said, "we can do it, baby."
"don't call me baby," i said, "and i don't know if i can do this with you. i want to keep it. last time, you said you wouldn't get out of hand again. now, here we are. i don't know how much more disappointment i can take." i cried, as i fell onto his shoulder.

the one who causes my pain is the one i still run to for comfort. it feels fucked up.

"we can't give up, willow. it's not just about us anymore," he replied.

"you're right," i said as i sniffled, "it's about me and this baby."