daddy. // the 1975

forty five // settle down

i somberly loaded and carried half packed boxes to the living room. a final goodbye. goodbye to a life i lived for so long.

"the truck is going to be here in the morning," my mom said. i gave a somber look.

despite all of my efforts into trying to convince my mom to keep the house, she's outgrown the environment i think. she's adamant on downsizing, and getting a fresh space. i cant argue against that.

the hard part is i had minimal notice. apparently this was decided long ago, but i only found out days ago. she's even moving to a new area. a complete clean slate.

it's going to be different not visiting my home, or even my hometown city. it sounds dramatic almost to feel this way over a house, but it's where i grew up. it makes me sad to think my daughter will never get to experience the home i grew up in. leaving the charm of new rochelle for brooklyn. a downgrade, if you ask me.

but i guess it's a year of change for everyone, after all.

when i come to visit my home state now, it'll be minimized to a small apartment. on top of the four seasons matty always makes us stay in. his aries energy.

but truthfully, who know's how much i'll even be coming back.

at this moment, my mom and i are going separate ways for some time. i need to get back to manchester and start nesting. i thought more and more about matty's idea, and decided it's likely the best option for now. i spent some time clearing my head and enjoying new york, but i'm ready to leave now.

it's sad to think i won't be going back to paris. i was enjoying being immersed into the parisian culture, and arguably the best food i've had. bright skylines to memories that felt so innate; makes you wish you'd savor moments until they're gone for good.

I wish things would've played out differently. you never know what life will throw at you.

I run my finger along the hem of my shorts. anxiety. nothing feels right, but somehow i keep moving forward. i worry everyday, some new things, sometimes the same old worries. 

for now, i'll go back to our apartment in manchester with him. it doesn't mean i'll have to be with him forever, just until i'm done settling down after the pregnancy.

"it's about that time, isn't it?" my mom said.
I looked at her and nodded, "yeah, it is," I sighed.
"well, you better get going." i look down at my luggage and sigh. 

+

i'll be the first to admit, you never get used to the long flights. as many times as i've done the new york to manchester back and forth, it's not any less exhausting. 

as i settled into my seat on this somber flight, my thoughts were consumed by the recent events with matty. the aircraft's engines roared, mimicking the turmoil i felt within.

while the plane soared through the skies, my mind continued to spiral through a labyrinth of emotions. i think to myself, was it all worth it? had i pushed things too far between us?

the city lights twinkle below, gradually fading into the distance, mirrored by the fading hope i felt inside. 

memories of our shared moments flooded my mind, each one a bittersweet reminder of the deep connection we once had. the laughs, the late-night conversations, and the unspoken promises—they were all etched in my soul. 

it hurts to see what we've become. we never wanted this. i'd be an idiot to say it's surprising, he's always been one to mess up in disastrous ways, but maybe that's why i've been drawn to him since the day we met.

as the plane continued closer to Manchester, my thoughts turned to reconciliation. maybe our issue is we want to both live faced paced lives, but we can't do that besides one another. maybe we don't prioritize each other the way we should. maybe there is no solution and we're circling around looking for an option we won't find.

i'm gonna force myself to sleep the rest of the flight. i don't wanna think anymore. 

+

a grueling 8 hours later and non-stop motion sickness, i finally made it to manchester. i collected my luggage then called for a taxi.

you know, maybe new york and manchester aren't so different after all. 

letting out a heavy sigh of relief, I finally made it inside the quiet comfort of the apartment. The familiar scent of our home enveloped me, easing my fatigue. i stumbled down the hallway making my way into our room, and i collapsed on the bed. nothing feels as relieving as that moment did amidst the chaos in my life.

I stood up and stared at my disarray luggage scattered across a bare room. we've had this apartment for quite some time, but really never got to enjoy it.. our first place together. all of the memories i thought would fill the walls ceased to never exist. 

a sudden, soft, jangling at the door interrupts my thought process. matty isn't supposed to be coming in and i'm not expecting anyone..

i make my way into the kitchen, my bare feet tip toeing on the cold tile, skimming my hand against the wall softly as i make my way to the door. as i get closer, i can tell there is definitely someone there. 

rustling of papers through my mailbox and attempts to open the door have me feeling uneasy. is it a break in? some lost drunkard? or Matty coming in to surprise me? a mix of rational and irrational thoughts consume me. i grab a knife from the drawer, cursing this place for not having a peep hole, I stand positioned near the door, just in case.

i inch my ear close to the door after a few minutes of silence to see if there's still someone outside. moments later, a loud knock sounds through the door, startling me enough to let out a yelp. now, i'm scared. 

i pick up the knife and pace around the door for a few more minutes. the door is locked, i'm fine, i'm not even certain it was an intruder.. it was likely neighbor kids playing a prank.

I convinced myself to not be scared all night, and decided to sleep it off. this is a problem for tomorrow.

+

hi all, sorry for my absence. i promise this story will be finished soon! once it's finished, i'm gonna go back and change chapter names as well as plot edits :D thank u all for being so lovely, i love when u guys msg me about the story!!

also, i'm still interested in getting a new cover for the story. if anyone knows how to, or has suggestions, pls msg me - i can credit you <33

p.s.