[Chapter Eleven] Addison

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 I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
                        I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
               With a broken heart that's still beating
                     In the pain, there is healing
                          In your name I find meaning
               So I'm holdin' on, I'm barely holdin' on to you

                                              Broken, Lifehouse

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Chapter Eleven – Addie

I walked out of the house after dinner to the field to watch the wild horse, no one liked him but there was something about him I loved. I know it was silly but when I knew no one else was around I went out to watch him. 

He looked on edge the first time, but he seemed to relax about It more and more each day I came out. 

Oh what was I doing? I took a big step I think in doing that. I was so tired of being alone, and I was only hurting myself by isolating myself from them. They weren't going to hurt me, I knew that they wouldn't, but it was just a bit difficult getting it to sink in.

I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest when I joined in in prayer. I'll be honest I lost all faith in god with what happened, but today was a day that I felt the need to join in the with family and really thank god for giving me these people in my life.

They made me feel alive again, like life would be okay, like maybe I could talk or be normal, they gave me hope.

I sat there with the wild horse in front of me and he stood there staring at me while I stood there staring at him. I made my decision and I stood up, I took one step closer to him, smiling but in reality I was terrified. 

I knew this probably wouldn't end well but I was going to try anyway. They were all so mean to him. just trying to force him to do what they wanted and I knew that powerless feeling, he just chose to fight back, he has fire inside of him and it was refreshing.

I held out my hand and stopped where I was, after a few seconds I took another step forward and stopped again. the horse was just standing there. When I took another step forward, I was about ten feet from him and still seemed okay so I took another.

I got closer step by step until I was about four feet away now, his eyes were wide in fear and so were mine. But I gave him a smile and took another one. I was three feet away now, and he hadn't moved. One more and I could almost touch him.

I nodded at him and inched forward and then gave him the room to move towards me. he looked at me longer and slowly he turned his head and touched his face to my hand and I held my breath. I didn't move my hand because I didn't want to push it.

But the move he rubbed his face against my hand the happier I got and the mood seemed to really relax. I moved my hand slowly and pet him gently for a few minutes. He took a step back from me and let out a little snort or sigh or something and then walked away.

I left the middle of the field smiling and went to sit back against the fence. That was really the icing on the cake for the day. 

The next couple days went by on edge. I could tell that people were confused and waiting for me to blow, but I didn't. I pulled away last time and I'm sure they were waiting for me to do it again, and I almost did, I'm still fighting those instincts that tell me that I couldn't trust anyone but myself, that this was bad.

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