Because of you i try hardest just to forget everything
Because of you i don't know how to let anyone else in
Because on you i'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
(Because of you i find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me)
Because of you i am afraid.
Because of you, because of you.
-Becuase Of You: Kelly Clarkson
I was kicking and screaming, trying to just get away from it all, I had nowhere to run now. I knew what would happen, it was only a matter of time, but I couldn't bring myself to give in. I had given in my entire life, but now it felt like I had something to fight for, and I fought like hell. In the end it was no use, I couldn't stop what happened no matter how hard I tried.
I woke up struggling against my blankets and screaming, which is the only sound I've made since it started happening a year ago.
The single worst event of my life, and I was forced to relive it not just every single night in my dreams, but almost every waking moment.
I couldn't escape it, and I felt like I was thrown in ocean during hurricane season. My body was just being thrown around while I tried to break the surface again, and I was slowly losing my will to fight. I wasn't sure if I wanted to fight anymore. They took all the fight in me I had left two weeks ago.
No, I'm not being one of those dramatic people who say a bad hair day or grade was this horrible event in my life and it's the equivalent of dying slowly.
This was so much more, and I wish I had just died that night, and then I wouldn't be forced to live like this.
I was still trying to calm down my breathing, and stop myself from having another panic attack when my mom came bursting in through the doors.
I would love to say it went like this:
"Baby, are you okay, what's wrong?"
"I had a nightmare, it just won't stop!" and have her walk over to me and pull me into her arms. She would run her hands through my fingers wile I cried, and my dad would come in and sit on my other side, they would both hold me and tell me everything will get better.
Not the bullshit like everything will be fine, but the 'I know it's not okay, and with time you'll get back to normal, and life with get better'
"I love you mommy and daddy" I would tell them because I'm feeling vulnerable right now, and I felt like a child who needed to be protected, not the nineteen year old woman I was.
"I love you too, Addy" they would call me by my nickname I went by when I was younger, and they would hold me until I calmed down, and then ask if there was anything they could do for me.
"Stay with me tonight, mommy" I would ask and she would crawl into bed with me while my dad went and made hot chocolate, and bring it back in, then sit in my chair while I drank it.
They would do something to distract me maybe put in the fox and the hound, my favorite movie or start a conversation, and my mom would stay there through the night, and my father would fall asleep in a protective manner, and I wouldn't feel completely safe, but I wouldn't have another nightmare.
That would be what any loving parent would do after this happened to their only daughter, but instead I got lectured and yelled at.
"Shut the hell up in here would you Addison?" my mother yelled at me and looked furious, and I just sat there and stared at her.
"What's your problem?" she asked me and I looked down not wanting to look her in the eyes when she looked so angry and disgusted by me.
"What's her problem?" I heard my dad's voice and I felt a tear fall down my face.
"Nightmares, probably" mom answered
"Still? Is she ever going to get over that little incident?" he asked. And I wanted to scream. It was not a little incident, and they're just trying to down play it because it was there fault!
"I don't know, she just wants attention, and honestly I'm getting tired of the act" my mom told me and the tears were now falling freely.
"Addison Gregory look at me" my father demanded and I looked into his grey-blue-green eyes that we both shared which were now darkened with anger. "I want you to pack your stuff tonight, and you're out of here tomorrow morning" I gasped.
I wanted to ask why, but I can't speak, not anymore.
"I'm tired of your little act, and so you're off to god knows wherever my sister lives and you can stay with them for the summer, and maybe by the that time, you stop all this attention seeking behavior" I knew it was no use to try to talk him out of it so I just hung my head and pointed at my watch, asking what time.
"You're leaving at nine tomorrow, you can take a cab to the airport, and by the first ticket you can there, and we'll call at the end of the summer and arrange for transport back home" I nodded again, and waited until they left.
As soon as the door was closed I sat there and willed myself to cry, but I just couldn't, not anymore.
They didn't even make proper arrangements; they just sent me off to wing it by myself. How am I supposed to communicate with them?
I stood up and packed all my summer cloths, I didn't know much about my Aunt Lalan, except she was married and had three kids, and they owned a ranch in the south. I finished packing in silence, not even music could comfort me right now.
I lay back down in bed and I couldn't sleep, so I let my thoughts drift to my parents.
I would have felt better about this if they were drunks or druggies, and that was the reason they were so cruel. Even poor that they just didn't want to be financially responsible for me anymore, but that wasn't the case.
My dad was a successful lawyer, and we lived a comfortable life. I went to an expensive private school, granted I happened to get a scholarship. I finished second in my class, and am all set up to go to law school in the fall.
They are just honestly mean hearted people who really don't care about their only daughter. Mom never wanted kids, and dad wanted a boy. When I came along my dad decided that I was good enough to be a lawyer too, and mom finally came around and was excited to have a human doll to play with and control.
I was never their daughter, I was a living, breathing object to them, to do with as they please, and when one of their plans backfires, they want nothing to do with the fall out.
If I believed in suicide, I would have just ended it all right now, so they wouldn't have to worry about me. Actually who am I kidding, they don't worry. They wouldn't have to be bothered to send me away; they could just go on living their selfish lives.
And that's the truth about why they're sending me away. They want to live their lives selfish and with no responsibility. I've always been borderline too much for them, and now apparently, I have stepped out of the box they put me in, and no I must be sent away.
Who knows' maybe soon enough suicide won't seem like such a bad thought, and all the pain could just be over.
Or maybe getting away from them could be the best thing that ever happened to me, I doubt it, but I'm trying to find a bright side to this situation.
SO i know it sounds kind of depressing right now, but i PROMISE it get's better. :)
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Secrets In Silence ✓ [Secrets Book 1]Romance
Addison Gregory was always an obedient child. She did everything her parents asked of her, no questions. To them she was a breathing object to be used and controlled for their own gain. When her parents careful planning causes trauma to Addison's li...