YOᑌ ᗩGᗩIᑎ

Chapter 9⚠

I was stuck between my heart and brain. My heart told me yes whereas my brain told me no. I had panic attacks and at times I found it extremely difficult to breathe. I knew that I would lose either Lauren or Austin and I was not ready to let go of both of them. Austin was there for me when no one else was and Lauren...I didn't find her to lose her all over again and it was the truth, I finally concluded that I love her more than I loved Austin. She is my first everything that mattered and I don't think I would be able to survive if I let her go this time. But that doesn't mean that Austin would have to go away.

Mine and Lauren's day at the Maritza Petrova really complicated a lot of things. I don't know about her since she was way too good in hiding things but I knew how I felt about everything. We almost kissed. I literally felt her upper lip on mine and if Austin wouldn't have interrupted, I would have kissed her after ten years. Something that I wanted to do for so long. I knew that Lauren's thoughts must be going crazy as well. She too was in a long term relationship with an amazing girl who she wouldn't let go of either. I had no idea what to do since I was going to Lauren's place tonight to get my body painted on a canvas. And I was scared.

Do you ever feel like your whole world is shattering and the only person who could save you is not around anymore? I felt that way for no reason. I had Lauren but I didn't have her. She treated me like her friend and it sucked because I wanted so much more. I noticed how she stares me in my eyes but is she too blind to see all the love I have for her? Or maybe she just decided to ignore everything she sees just for the sake of our friendship.

Yesterday was a big day. Lauren talked to Allison about her relationship with her father. My three years old girl rolled her eyes. Can you believe it? She rolled her eyes when Lauren mentioned her father and I almost lost it. I couldn't help but realize how badly she got influenced by mine and Lauren's friendship even though we just met four days ago. However, Lauren made Allison understand the importance of a father. I stayed quiet because I was in no condition to speak a single thing. Allison adored Lauren and for that she agreed to do anything that the older Latina wanted. After Allison went to sleep, Lauren assured me that she will keep her distance but she didn't tell distance from who. Me or my daughter?

Everything was complicated. I wouldn't blame Lauren for coming into my life again because even before she wasn't here, it was complicated and I don't remember being stress-free for a very long time now. If one thing gets better, another thing gets fucked up. I didn't even talk to Dinah and told her about how Lauren was going to paint me today. I knew Dinah would talk me through it and I would end up saying no to the girl I loved which I honestly didn't want. Maybe I do need a psychologist. Maybe I do need a little counseling.

As the clocked ticked on the wall, my anxiety got the best of me. I was going to get naked in front of Lauren tonight. The only person besides Austin who had seen me without clothes but I was extremely insecure about my body. I was nothing in front of her. I decided to send Allison off to her grandparents. My parents and my daughter had a really amazing relationship and I got lucky for Sofi being at home to look after the three years old. I took a deep breath and got in a shower. I scrubbed and massaged my body to look good for Lauren tonight. I shaved whatever was needed to be shaven and applied the best body wash on my body. I was meeting Lauren in three hours and for once I wanted the time to stop.

Lauren texted me a while ago. I wasn't expecting a word from her but she told me how she was having second thoughts about this whole painting thing but this time I insisted her. It was a long time that I saw her painting something and painting me? Well, it was like a dream come true even though I still don't know how Reyna would feel about this. Hanging out with her girlfriend was one thing but being naked in front of her was something entirely different but I didn't care. As long as it was Lauren who wanted to paint me, I didn't care about anything or anyone.