Crush, No, Crushed

Chapter 37

            “I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have.”

            “I was afraid you wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore.”

            But what if it was more than that? What if him having HIV held him back from being with me because he was afraid of the complications that could arise? What if-

            The sound of a turning knob made me immediately slam my head back down on the pillow and draw the blanket over my head, tensely. Even with my back to the door I knew it was Les that was making his way into the room due to the shadow from the hallway’s light that had the shape of his physique. My heart started to pound as I heard the soft click of the door being closed then a steady slosh, slosh, slosh as he tip-toed his way to the bathroom. As soon as I heard the bathroom door close I turned over and stared at the door where Les just entered. After a few minutes a faint, muffled patter of water started to lull me into the bed. Deciding that I could do nothing about my new revelation, I closed my eyes once more. It was for the best to not immediately seek action and talk to Les about what happened. If I did talk to him now, I would end up doing something that I would regret. I needed to think things through more before I asked him his side of the story.

            Yeah, I thought tiredly, I can worry more tomorrow. I yawned softly before I dozed off into a dark sleep.

~

            When I awoke the next morning, Les was still in bed so I let him sleep while I went around the corner to a small café that we saw yesterday. I was somewhat relieved that I wouldn’t have to face him as soon as I awoke and that I had time to think out what I was going to say. My mind felt slightly less ambiguous but I was still deciding whether the kiss was a step forward or a step back from where we were a few months ago.

            As I strolled into the small café I settled on letting Les talk to me first. When he told me whatever he needed to say or wanted, I would figure out where to go from there. It was the only way to get all the information and make a decision that wouldn’t have any repercussions for me or him.

            I ordered a plain coffee and a few bagels from the dull-eyed brunette behind the cash-register. She had her head in her hand as she started dozing off while another worker got my order together. When my order was ready the blonde worker nudged the brunette awake causing her to jolt  but she immediately handed the food to me and in a monotonous, sleepy voice said ‘have a good day’.

            I headed back to the hotel feeling more exuberant. No matter the outcome of our talk today, I was going to do everything I can to make sure we either stay the same or be better. There was no way that I would let Les and I split away like before. We had gone through too much to break apart over a kiss.

             Kiss…

            Les and I kissed. Did we really kiss? It seemed like a distant dream. It didn’t seem possible. My eyes bulged.

             We.

             Kissed.