Crush, No, Crushed

Chapter 37

            In a daze, I slipped back to the hotel in my sopping wet clothes. Avoiding the stares of people in the lobby, I silently made my way up to the room and immediately went to take a warm shower to chase the chills from the rain away. As I got out of the shower and put on my comfortable, fleecy sweats I was still trying to put thoughts of Les and the kiss to the back of my head.

            When I got back into the room, I noticed Les hadn’t returned yet. I shrugged to myself, figuring that he was trying to get his head together too and was at a café or something and slipped into the soft, fluffy bed. I closed my eyes trying to sleep but thoughts of the kiss kept me up for fifteen minutes. I started to get frustrated and turned in my side, tucking the pillow under my head.

             Not only being confused to what happened, I was strangely feeling guilty about it. Kissing Les made me feel like I cheated, though, I didn’t know why. Nate and I were broken up and even though it was mutual, I doubted that he would care too much. I just had this nagging feeling at the back of my mind and I felt horrible about it. With everything that was going on and the factors that were brought in, it didn’t feel right. Maybe if it was a different time or if the circumstances were changed, I would feel happy about what happened. I used to want this, I would have been ecstatic if Les kissed me…months ago. But so much has changed since then.

            I had confessed my feelings to Les, though he rejected me, so, I don’t know why he kissed me tonight.  That same night, I met Nicole which in turn introduced me to Nate. They both helped me to move on and realize that I couldn’t keep holding onto someone when they weren’t on the other side to maintain balance.

            Bethany and Holden were also two people that entered my life this year. Bethany was a new mother-figure, a wife for my dad and also as the person who helped me to find what I want to do with my life, photography. Without Bethany entering our lives, I probably wouldn’t have realized my passion for art. This now, is something I absolutely love and hope to make into a career.

            And let’s not forget Holden. From Renee trying to set us up, to dating Nicole then ending up with my sister, he has been circling around my life for a while now. Holden has been someone that I could go to and talk to about both Les and Nate, giving me advice and being there for me when I needed help. He has been like the brother I have never had and I would be so happy if he were to become my brother-in-law, which, I can definitely see happening.

            All in all, this year has been long and life changing. At the beginning of the school year I would never have thought that I would have so many new and wonderful friends or a step-mother come into my life. I had no idea that I would finally admit my feelings to Les or that I would get over it and fall for someone else. This year definitely was full of surprises.

            The biggest was when Les told me that he has HIV. The possibility of that happening never even entered my mind. Through the entire pain and heart break this year, I’m just so happy that Les and I are still friends. I don’t want all we worked for to suddenly be ruined because of a measly kiss that may or may not have meant anything.

            A random but potentially crucial thought that could change everything made me jerk up to a sitting position, drop my jaw, and widen my eyes. As my eyes searched around the room looking for the answer, I wondered, what if all this time Les did have feelings for me? What if that day he lied to me when he said he never thought of me as more than a friend? What if the only reason that stopped Les from dating me was because of his disease?