The Dark Blue

Ch 38. It Takes Time

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I took care of my mom, making it my turn to cook dinner. I didn't want her doing anything. I couldn't rely on having her doing everything anymore.

It felt depressing when I was washing up. I kept thinking of having my face on the screen, acting. But it wouldn't happen. It was something that would only exist in my mind from that point. I thought that nothing was impossible in my life before I realized what I did. By persuading acting I was clearly affecting my surroundings. Living the normal life was fine.

I had more than I wanted. Months ago I couldn't even dream of the feeling to have confidence or to feel pretty. Then why? Why wasn't I happy? I couldn't be happy even though I had all of those things I desired.

It was pure selfishness.

I heard a knock from the door and washed my hands in hurry to get it. I opened the door without thinking and saw Matt standing there. I wasn't as careful as before with having people see me like I always did when I was losing weight. I wasn't as cautious.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him with a serious face. I kept recalling what happened some hours ago when he kept hitting Zach. Was he looking for an apology?

"Sorry." And he was. He was standing there like a fool, not even brave enough to look in my eyes..

"If you want to apologize, say it to Zach."

He flinched, taking a step back. "Never in my life that I'm apologizing to him!" Matt shrieked. It was like his biggest fear, or rather something he would never do.

"Then why are you saying it to me?"

"Because I hurt you." he mumbled, reaching his hand for my band aided forehead. I slapped his hand off, not knowing how to react.

"Matt." I looked at him intensely. He was slightly worried, and he probably knew that I was going to say something bad to him. "I can't trust you. You hurt me a lot. Not when you hit me. All these years."

"What can I do?! That's before! Don't you think I've regretted that?!"

"Then why?! If you regretted it why didn't you ever try to talk to me? Try to say sorry? Try to be my friend again?" I shrieked. I was not in a good mood. He was so unpredictable and I didn't know how to react.

Matt didn't know what to say. He didn't know the answer himself. Nobody could explain that act. "I... I don't know." He scratched the back of his head. Then his eyes locked with my eyes. "Then I'm asking for forgiveness now."

"Denied." I sighed.

"Why?!" he yelped.

"These things takes time." I mumbled, and then I closed the door.

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So much had happened over just some days. Bad things. Sad things. My heart felt heavy. I sat on my bed thinking about how my life was before. Acting was something really important to me. I could let off my bad emotions through acting, by feeling other emotions. But how could I do it when I couldn't act anymore?

I sighed and got out, deciding to go for a lap. I hadn't worked out for a while and needed to clear my mind. Just be happy. Let go of anything else. After running, I stopped dead, leaning down with my sweat dripping together with my tears.

Just be happy!

I couldn't.

"You're pushing yourself."

I dried my tears and looked up, with teary eyes. Zach was standing in front of me with his sad intense sea blue eyes. He was looking at me as if I was the saddest creature on earth. "No I'm not." I mumbled.

He pulled me into a hug and held me until my tears disappeared. "Never give up."

I closed my eyes and tried to just make all the feeling go away, and eventually it did. I didn't know how long we stood there while he was embracing me. But when I opened my eyed I was smiling. I still felt the same. But I felt the urge to wear a smile.

It was weird how I could feel so safe with Zach when I couldn't read his aura. Reading auras was always something that I'd feel safe with because I'd know how people felt in my presence.

Days passed. I seemed happy. Everywhere I went I was wearing a smile, and I couldn't find a reason to not. I got along with everyone at school and I seemed to had gotten more friends because I was more cheerful. But it was never like that for real. I didn't feel happy inside. I just didn't want to show it outside.

"Mom!" I sang out, wearing my everyday smile. She answered back so that I knew that she heard me. "I'm going to make some lasagna today! You like it?" I cheerfully got the meat ready and started out.

Mom entered the kitchen looking at me without answering. She was very worried. Her whole surrounding was filled of orange color and I didn't know what was going on.

"Audree?" mom called. I stopped whatever I was doing and turned around.

"Yep?" I smiled.

"Stop pretending."

"Pretending what?" I asked, getting back to cooking. I was getting very good recently.

"To be happy."

"I'm not pretending." I hawked, grating the cheese.

"Don't lie to me Audree."

"I'm not." I denied.

"Is it because you can't act?"

I dropped the cheese and tried to hide my feelings. "No, of course not!" I turned around again with a foolish smile. "Acting was something that would never happen!"

"You're still lying." Mom could see through me all the time. I didn't know how. It was like she knew everything about me.

"I am not!" I snapped.

"Stop it!!!" she yelled at me. I had never seen her so mad.

"I know that you are lying!"

"How can you know?!"

She looked around with a insecure expression. Her aura was brown, which meant confusion. She took steps, walking towards me and grabbed my shoulders with serious eyes.

"Audree. I have to tell you something."

"What?" I sighed.

"I can see auras."

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OOOOH. yes she can.

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