How to Survive South Park

Multiverse Theory Is Still a Female Dog

"G...GO...TO... HELL!!!" I barely manage to stammer as his grip tightens around my throat.

"You fool, I don't even need my Chaos Energy to kill you; I'll just snap your neck like I did to Cartman! Send my regards to the fat bastard when you see him in the afterlife!"

*BOOOOOOM*

A blast hits him, but it wasn't from me. At least the monster lost his grip on me, but who just-

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!" A bloodied and beaten Karen screams, glaring daggers into the bastard, and yet Butters barely even reacts to her.

"Karen......" He then launches a blast at her which finishes the job.

No. Nononononononono...

"DAMN YOU!!!" I scream and lunge at the monster... only for him to summon his Hammer of Chaos and impale me with its handle.

I scream in agony as the hammer begins emitting lightning all over and Butters' demonic grin is the last thing I see before-

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" I scream, nearly lunging off the bed I was sleeping in. My body is covered in sweat (which I thought T.K. was already preventing somehow) and took 10 rapid breaths a second as I frantically looked around the hotel room I'm currently in.

"Fuck, not another one."

"Are you okay?" I nearly jump to the ceiling when I hear Zenon's concerned voice, but calm down when I realize it's him.

"I'm... fine. Just a bad dream."

"You've been having a lot of those lately." He heard me? T.K. was supposed to soundproof my room in Red's castle!

(("A fatal error has occurred. This program will now shutdown. Would you like to send a report?")) Fuck you too, T.K.

"It is about what happened in your own world?" Wasn't this trip meant to help him feel better?

"Yeah... yeah, I still think about it a lot. You would think that with my knowledge, I would be able to save the future no problem, but doing this shit is a lot harder than tv shows and movies portray it to be."

"Do you want to talk about it? You might feel b-better if you do?"

"...Did Tenorman program that bit of info into you? I know I didn't."

"I d-downloaded some therapy tutorials from Youtube into myself the other day. I thought they might help." This android kid is too good for this world, or any for that matter.

I pretty much gave up on sleeping after that. I barely even need it now thanks to all my absorptions and modifications; it's just meant to help me mentally.

And yet the exact fucking opposite seems to be happening.

(("You still have Zenon to talk to. Be honest with him.")) What, did you download some therapy tutorials too?

(("I downloaded everything.")) ...Okay then.

I ended up taking T.K's advice and just talked to Zenon for the rest of the night. I haven't mentioned the whole 'eating an entire fucking populated planet' thing yet, but I did some about some of my other, uhhhh, 'activities' with Red.

And no, that is not implying what some of you think it's implying. Get your minds out of the gutter!

I'm pretty sure she's way older than both of my lives put together anyway. I know she's been timeline hopping for at least a few decades now, and then there's all that time she spent in her own apocalyptic timeline, and yet she still looks like a 10 year old as do I. Fucking Cthulhu and his anti-aging South Park curse... I'm just gonna change the subject now.