How to Survive South Park

The Dark Lord and His Sleep-Deprived Necromancer

I'm currently at Raisins where Clyde is arguing with the bouncer that he doesn't have to pay since he has the Stick of Truth and therefore controls the universe. The bouncer isn't having any of it and I quickly slip away while Clyde keeps the entire restaurant's attention on him.

Clyde wanted to have both a celebration for one-upping the humans and elves and a strategy meeting to squash any resistance with Craig and I and where better to do that than his favorite children's edition titty bar?

I barely make it into the bathroom before the bouncer gets physical with Clyde and Craig and I begin to contemplate just how everything went to shit so fast since things seemed to be going pretty well last time I checked. That was yesterday when the grand wizard of Kupa Keep got defeated by a leaf blower.

Cut to last night after I had an awkward goodbye with my now enemies and secret partner. I rondevu with Kenny who already texted Timmy to meet up with us.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now? I only wanted Clyde to NOT hate me, not have me join his fucking club of darkness! One order using that stupid twig and all our plans just went down the shitter! How do I recruit the girls to the alliance when I'm supposed to be their fucking enemy?"

Kenny gets me to calm down and Timmy arrives a few minutes later. The original plan was to have Kenny and Timmy raid the spaceship tonight while I do the canon day three stuff with a few shortcuts littered throughout but now I'm stuck on the villain's team.

(("I don't understand, Dovahkiin. Can you not just ignore Clyde and stay with the alliance? Clyde is technically cheating in this game after all."))

(A/N: double parentheses + quotations = Timmy talking telepathically)

"I could but I want to be friends with Craig and his group after this is all said and done so ignoring Clyde will get rid of any friendship I built up with him over the last few days. I want to focus on the big picture here and no offense Kenny, but I'm not going anywhere near your friend group. I still want to be close friends with you when this is over if that's fine with you."

"What's so bad about Stan and the others?"

"Well...

1. Your group gets involved in crazy, life threatening situations all the time that I want no part of. (unless it's to stop them from happening in the first place like what we're trying and failing miserably to do here)

2. Stan tends to be a self centered asshole.

3. Kyle tends to be a know it all asshole.

4-100. Various things about Eric Cartman.

I would go into more detail but we're on the clock here."

(("He has a point, Kenny. Those guys are kind of douchebags."))

"I see where you're coming from but they're not that bad. Well, Cartman is but not the other two. Anyway, as for tomorrow, I guess I can take care of the recruiting in Dovah's place."

"If you're gonna do that, I would suggest teaming up with a few extra factions. From what I know, the New Kid basically carries the alliance during the final battle like he did in the school. Not only do you not have me, I'm even fighting against you guys!"

"Oh don't worry. I have quite a few groups in mind that could help fill the hole you're leaving behind. Recruiting them won't be any issue for me. Never underestimate the charms and persuasion of Princess Kenny-chan!"

Kenny strikes a pose while Timmy and I visibly cringe. We eventually decide to have Kenny and I swap our roles to an extent so I'm gonna help Timmy raid the spaceship and then do whatever Clyde wants tomorrow while giving my partners updates throughout the day and Kenny will focus on recruiting and rallying the troops on the hero's side. Of course, I have to first make a quick detour to my house to do two things.