How to Survive South Park

Two-Faced Shortcutting Traitor

Cartman, Butters, Kenny, and I enter the Giggling Donkey ready to kick some elven ass. Sorry Jimmy, but your house is gonna be fucking demolished by the time I walk out of there.

"Stay close, Sir Douchebag. The Inn Of the Giggling Donkey harbors the scum of all Zaron."

A few glares got sent our direction after that little comment from Cartman. It doesn't take a genius to notice that half the Inn looks ready to ditch the disguises and beat Cartman's ass which there is more than enough of to go around.

After getting his pint of fruit pun- Fairy Ale, he asks where the bard is and now the entire Inn is glaring at us. I start to wonder if Cartman is screwing us over on purpose when he starts giving crappy excuses and he eventually has Butters and I go draw Jimmy out like in canon. Did he seriously not expect this to be a trap? Come on Cartman, you're supposed to be an evil mastermind here.

Underestimating him is akin to suicide however so I don't keep his blunders on my mind for too long. Cartman is without question the greatest threat to me in this world so I need to deal with him as soon as possible. And I don't mean a temporary victory. I have no intentions of becoming the next Kyle or Wendy.

Butters and I traverse the basement which is much more creepy without the bardic background music playing like it does in the game. Like I mentioned earlier, the lack of background music kind of sucks and I found myself playing songs on my phone like when we found the hallway monitors to make up for it. Call it hyping the heroes up.

We are eventually forced to cover our ears to prevent any bleeding or tinnitus as I meet the final member of Team Craig. Forget I said anything about background music, a monster truck rally without earplugs is less painful for my hearing then this.

"Prepare for battle, w-w-w-weaklings! Elves, fall in!"

Cartman and Kenny get ambushed from behind as Butters and I are surrounded by the elves.

"You should have never come here, h-humans. I am a level 10 bard, and with my lute I shall power up my guards with magical songs of ench- With magical songs of encha-"

There's no skip button here so Butters and I wait for what feels like the longest 5 minutes of my entire life for him to finish his sentence. He eventually completes the sentence and begins to play.

"There once was a maiden from St-WOAH!" Did I say "begins to play"? I meant "attempts to play".

I don't let him finish the first verse as I send a cup-a-spell right at him and order Butters to use his lightning attack. It takes down one elf and stuns another and I quickly leap over elf #2 using a bone hand and knock out the third elf with my new trusty baton while Butters throws his hammer at the second one, knocking him out.

"I have a nice lance that sh- wait, you guys are d-d-dead already? Wow, what a butt kicking."

Jimmy quickly runs away which I don't bother to stop as I am gonna need him later on. Some more elves charge down but they are easily taken care of by Butters and I. I summon another bone hand by the window Craig is at and shatter it to let him in so he can unlock the door for us and the three of us charge in at the elves on the main floor.

"Don't worry, the bone hands are just my summons."

"Did I ask?" No, no Craig did not. Forget I said anything.

I summon a few bone hands that act as bridges for Craig and Butters to get past the blockade as they fight the elves in the main room. The elves are quickly knocked out and I take a peek into the kitchen. Cartman's in there literally getting his ass kicked right now. I rush in quickly to save my great king and heal him before- nah, I'm just messing with you. I take a few pictures of the carnage with my phone and leave the fatass to rot.