How to Survive South Park

It's Just Good Business

Hundreds look on in amazement as Kenny engages Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds. They've been locked in combat for a while now with the results of Kenny's increased training compared to canon really showing off.

Gadnuk summons several legendary creatures to engage Kenny but he uses his overseer to defend. The sacrifice of his warrior takes most of the damage from the attack, keeping Kenny in there but things aren't looking good.

Taken out of context, you might think that I'm describing a battle between Kenny in his Mysterion persona and an alien overlord or something but those who remember the episode "Cock Magic" know the truth. Right now, Kenny and I have chosen Magic the Gathering as our latest business endeavor.

Money has been one of my biggest issues since arriving here because without it, I can't really buy shit so I've had to get a bit creative to fill my bank account. Since we aren't doing games anymore, looting kids was out of the question because that's basically robbery and I already spent all that money on weapons and potions for both the school attack and Battle of Clyde's House.

The first idea I came up with involves my ability to make clothes for myself. I figured out that I can abuse that ability to turn my energy into outfits which can then turn into money with some inspiration from DBZA ('Big Green Threads' anyone?). Unfortunately, I don't know shit about fashion so I went to Bebe for help.

She would take care of the delivery and business we set up online and educate me on which materials go into which expensive outfits while I make the products and we split the money 50/50 in addition to me making her whatever outfits she wanted to a reasonable degree (we had to workshop that last bit after around the 50th personal outfit she asked me for).

The partnership went pretty well and we each made thousands but eventually called it quits since we were starting to arouse suspicion and Bebe gained a few competitors overtime that wanted her out of the picture. I didn't want to waste all my time bodyguarding her and she was happy with what she had so we ended the business on good terms after a few months.

She also not so subtly tried flirting with me which I had no interest in and made it clear that our relationship was strictly professional. That luckily got both Bebe and Clyde off my back since the latter still has a crush on her for reasons only Freeman knows and wouldn't leave me alone until I rejected her so I killed two birds with one stone there.

The next thing I tried was some bounty hunter work which Kenny joined me in. It was kind of cool for a while and paid well but Kenny wanted to call it off since apparently, bounty hunting isn't very heroic. That's not what you said when you agreed to this at the start, McHypocrite!

Gambling came next and the ability to stop time for a bit really helps when you want to know what the opponent's cards are. Thousands turned into hundreds of thousands as we went around to different casinos with our fake IDs and tuxedos that I made myself. Besides Kenny having a few *cough* 'episodes' *cough* when he got a little too carried away with all the drugs and booze, things went really well.

Unfortunately, that wasn't nearly enough money to build a top tier secret superhero base since those things cost a literal fortune. Luckily for us, we had Handicar to cover the costs so we're good on money for a while but that doesn't mean we won't do any more business endeavors in the future. It's just something to do and pretty fun while not being too outrageous or dangerous (in South Park standards) so I'm cool with it.

Maybe I'm just getting used to the craziness here so I'm more open to things? I don't know. Oh! Kenny just stacked his Shapeshifter with an Elven Blade! I head over to the makeshift bar to get a drink before heading back to watch the show.

"Pour me Jack on the Rocks."

"No. You're not 18 yet."

"Fuck you."