How to Survive South Park

Growing a Pair

"...Are you sure about this?" My future self nods while plucking the tiny string holding a rock above the door to my room.

"This worked for Eric Cartman and it should work for you too. You just need to be thinking about what little you know of your past when walking through this doorway and when the rock falls on your head after you trip the rope, you'll have a flashback to before you moved to South Park!"

"Can't you just tell me more about our past?"

"I would if I knew it, but I don't. At least, not that much of it. Don't worry, I can take over for you during school today. Just focus on getting the closure you need. That should really help you out in the long run as you won't have anything mentally holding you back anymore."

Future me gives me a thumbs up and I sigh before walking towards the rope. Your past, think about your past, Dovahkiin.

I trip the rope and get hit in the head by the rock which drops me like a sack of potatoes. The world is spinning and I hear my future self mutter "Wait, was this the thing that sent Cartman back or was it the thing with the pool and the history channel?" before passing out.

Dovah's POV:

I'm making good progress with New Kid but we simply don't have time to drag this out. That's why I decided to use the method Cartman used to flashback to the past in season 7. He set up a rope holding a rock above his door and thought about what happened in 1776 before letting the rock hit him and...

"Wait, was this the thing that sent Cartman back or was it the thing with the pool and the history channel?"

...Whoops. In my defense, it's been years since I watched that episode so I'm not going to remember every little detail of it. I watched some episodes of the show since I was isekai'd here thanks to Imaginationland, but I haven't binge watched the entire series since before my transmigration.

I debate reversing time around New Kid but he isn't moving and isn't dead so I'm just going to hope this actually worked for him and take his place at school seeing as how I can't set up the correct method with the time I have left.

I know this wasn't the greatest idea ever, but I couldn't clear out the blockage in his memories even with the powers of the crab king's scepter as they involve telekinesis, not telepathy like what Timmy and Zarganor can do. Come to think of it, maybe I should have had New Kid use that dream-entering machine used in season 14's "Insheeption" instead.

Actually, forget that idea. I have no fucking clue where that specific therapy place is even located.

As for why I even have the scepter this early, Wendy would need to stop them later to get her cellular data plan back and I wanted to try using the scepter for this plan, so we decided to kill two birds and several crabs with one stone.

'Fuck, it's a start but it's still so weak. I miss my Dragonsbane.'

I'm hoping this inner journey New Kid is maybe possibly probably going on right now helps him out with his issues, but even if it doesn't, he's still in pretty good shape.

Pretending to be New Kid isn't difficult as he's like an emotionless, mute robot most of the time and besides, by all intents and purposes, I am still technically New Kid.

Nobody really bothered me throughout my undercover session (helps that New Kid doesn't talk to begin with) and nothing really interesting happened at school besides Cartman wrecking one of the boys' bathrooms in a blind fury after finding out where most of Mitch Connor's funding mysteriously disappeared to.