The Arrangement Factor (ARRANGEMENT SERIES #1)

Chapter 61

"But you said..." I stopped her.

"I am an idiot, Dove. Don't listen to me. I am fucked up, Sarah. All the things I said were never meant for you. I don't want you to leave your dreams for me. I was in my anxiety attack, and I said all that in anger. I never meant anything I said for you. I never wanted to hurt you," I held her hands in mine.

I kissed the back of her hands. "Please, mon trésor, please don't do this to yourself. If it helps, leave me, but do not leave your dreams for me, please." How dare I hurt her so much, and why the fuck was she not mad or slapping the shit out of me?

Hugging me again, she said, "I can never leave you, Alex. (sniffles) You mean a lot to me. I-I can leave anything for you."

"Please don't. I don't deserve you. You're a fucking angel, Dove," I said to her, and I meant that. Nobody leaves their dreams, or their fucking life behind for anyone, especially in this selfish and fucked-up world.

"We'll go to your college tomorrow, and I'll apologize to everyone for everything I did. Then you'll be going back to your lectures and drama again. Okay?" I asked her, hoping she would agree, but she shook her head no on my shoulder. I pulled back to look at her.

"I am so sorry, Sarah. I blamed you and fought with you when it was not even your mistake. I was the idiot. But I promise I will never do that again, and if I do, you have all the right to beat me and set me straight. But please don't leave your college or the play. I really want to see you become the princess," I said, my voice laced with hurt.

"But you already make me feel like a princess. Moreover, I purposely gave the role to Isabella because I think she likes Noah, and this is their last year in college. She is a nice person, Alex. She deserves a chance at love," Sarah smiled through her tears.

She is so pure and innocent. And I am the luckiest to have her, but I don't deserve her. I hurt her, and I am a fucking ass.

I shook my head. "No, Sarah. I don't make you feel like a princess. You deserve the world, Dove, and all I did was hurt you. You are the most pure soul in the world, and I am such a bad person and the worst husband. You don't deserve all this; you deserve someone better, not an asshole like me," I cried, looking down at our joint hands.

She cupped my face and wiped my tears. "You have no idea what you have done for me, Alex. No one has ever done anything for me, and you never leave a chance to make me feel special and wanted. With you, I found a home, Maa, and Papa. I have a family because of you, and you made my first Christmas so special," she said, looking into my eyes.

"But I ruined what you planned for my birthday," I looked at her hands; I couldn't meet her gaze.

"It's not your mistake. I am sorry; I should have never worn green. I didn't know that color would trigger..."

"Stop it, Sarah. You have nothing to be sorry about. I am the one who hurt you, not the other way around. I should have told you about it before; I just never wanted to hurt you in any way. I should have fucking healed by now, but I hurt you instead," I shouted, not at her, but for her feelings like she even needs to be sorry about anything. It was all me, I let my past still haunt me and hurt the people near me.

"It's not your mistake, even Alex," she smiled at me through her teary cheeks.

I hugged her tight. "What good have I done to deserve you?" I kept my head between her shoulder and neck. I needed her smell to feel at peace. She had slowly become my drug, and I was a mess this week apart from her.

"You eat my new and mixed recipes," she said in a sweet voice. It made me smile against her neck.

"You are a true angel, Dove. I..." I kissed her neck, saying the unspoken words.