Hidden Truth//Kylux

All of him//32

It's been a few months and Cheeb still lingers on in my mind. His open mouth when he passed. The blood. Everywhere. He was so young. He was so pure. He was like Slip, a blonde orphan. The thought of killing Slip makes me feel like I might throw up. Imagining his fair skin even lighter.

Snoke was pleased with my "passion" when it came to killing the "boy". I still haven't been able to bring myself to read Cheebs notebook. I've just been here, in my room, mourning. I haven't gone to train my stormtroopers anymore after they assigned Slip and Twenty to sanitation and Nines to combat. I've just been laying her hugging this husk doll to my chest and watching myself out of body. I'm not here. No real thoughts just pictures and memories but no narration attached.

I've been sleeping in Armitages room but all intimacy is gone. I can't bring myself to feel a single thing. He's been understanding but I can tell all this is getting to him. He knows I'm hiding something. What's the point of this mission now anyway. I killed Cheeb. I really am a killer now. I should just submit to the dark. It would be so much easier to hide my past after that. So much more convincing. I should just let the darkness take over. No more hiding from Snoke. No more hiding. No more hiding. No more hiding.

I start thrashing around in my bed kicking and punching every which way. My sheet coming up with my feet and a breeze being created beneath me. It's all too much. Everything in my head too much. Remembering how I killed Cheeb. He just wanted to be special. He was..... he was just a kriffing kid. He was a child. He was Cru's baby. He was too young. I grab the doll and squeeze it until my hands hurt. I let out a big breath I didn't realize I was holding.

I hate when the inside emotions are so strong. Where do they go? What do I do with them? Armitage doesn't know I have Cheebs things he only knows of the doll. I don't like how I feel physically. I feel weak after not training for so long. At least I don't dream anymore. I haven't been able to be the galaxies worst meditator lately.

"Ben?"

I look to my left to see Sunset standing and radiating in my doorway of my room.

"Hi, Sunset." I say quietly.

"Is this what you've been doing all day?" He comes in and sits at the end of the bed. "Do I need to give you more things to do?"

"No." I simply say.

"Okay, then?" He leans his head inward waiting for my answer.

"I'm fine here, Armitage." I roll over away from him.

"Ben, stop." He grabs my shoulder and I jerk it away.

This makes him mad as he gets on the bed and turns me to face him using both his hands on my arm.

"People die, Ben. It happens every day, you and me will die too!" He grabs my shoulders now and straddles me.

"I murdered him." I say not being able to look at him

"God, Ben, you've killed before what's so bad about this one boy!" He says shaking my shoulders a bit.

"He was so young" I'm holding back tears now. For the first time in weeks I might cry.

"Ive grown jaded from all the moping around. He's dead and there's nothing you can do. I need you to be present." He gives my shoulders another good push.

"You don't understand." I say turning again.

"What are you off on! Of course I know what it's like to kill." He says as I push him off my body.

"And you're proud of that?" I say standing.

"Who are you?" He sits on the bed. His eyes traveling my face and body like I'm a game he hasn't mastered yet. "Because you don't sound like a knight of ren."