How to Survive South Park

Demonic Dance Battle

Even a vamp kid or two was unintentionally lifted up and had a not so happy landing on some of the arcade games.

"...Whoops, our bad." I awkwardly apologize. Damien then grumbles something and disappears in a cloud of smoke. As for me, I ultimately decide to just walk away whistling with Karen while the staff here deal with the carnage.

We head over to where Chiquita the Gorilla is next and find him getting his costumed skinned alive by Mysterion.

"Chiquita the Gorilla says: the bill for this costume is coming out of your bank account!"

While that's going on, Karen and I head over to his sopapilla cart and help ourselves. Henrietta is there too and is smoking at one of the tables with Damien. She occasionally launches a satanic spell or fireball at the vamp kids but it's mostly Kenny doing the work.

"Sacrifice a small animal in my name later." That's something that always confused me so might as well ask.

"Why do you guys like sacrifices anyway? What does it do for you? Do you get to like, devour the victims souls and get stronger from it or something?"

"No dumbass, it's just a culture custom thing, like how you bring a present to a guy's birthday party if you're invited. Not everything we do revolves around getting stronger, you fucking battle maniac." Damien answers me in a less than friendly tone. Also why does everyone keep thinking I'm a battle maniac?

(("You kind of are, Dovahkiin. The Danger Deck has basically become your second house and you constantly challenge Kenny and I to spars."))

"To keep us in shape, you crippled asshole!" Everyone suddenly stops and stares at me. Timmy didn't send that telepathic message to everyone, did he?

"*sigh* God dammit, Timmy."

The fight then resumed and after Karen and I had our fill of Mexican food, we went down to Black Bart's Cave. It wasn't really scary, even for Karen, but it was still nice spending time with her.

Kenny, Karen, and I (plus Tricia sometimes) try to do at least one family-esc trip a week whether that's going to an amusement park or the beach or maybe even another continent. Ever since we became billionaires and started living together, Kenny wanted to make up for every moment he and Karen were living in that hellhole their parents called a house.

I was more than happy to join them and it became kind of like a tradition for us over the years.

As we approached the massive pile of fake gold, we started to hear hisses all around us signaling the start of this area's boss fight. They all stopped in an instant as I used a time pause and quickly blitzed every vamp kid in the area.

Karen gives me an accusatory look in her cute little vampire costume after the hisses suddenly stop and are replaced with groans and whimpers. I just smile at her and offer her some fake gold as compensation.

"No. Piggy back ride." she pouts at me. If that's what it takes, then so be it.

(("Siscon alert! Siscon alert, everyone!")) Timmy, I swear to Freeman I will rig your wheelchair with C4 again if you don't stop it with that!

(("Timmeh!"))

Y'know, during my time here, I've learned that there are just some things you just don't do. Some examples to this are saying no to Karen (I'd like to see you try that!), challenging Cartman to an eating contest (pretty sure he devoured more than my bodyweight in hotdogs during those 10 minutes), and interrupting Timmy while he's in the middle of his binge-inventing marathons (his maniacal laughter still gives me nightmares).

The fact that the cripple had the song "Where Evil Grows" by The Poppy Family playing over the base's loudspeakers during the latter did not help my sleep schedule. Everyone here seems to think it's me that's gonna take over the world someday. Not Timmy or Cartman but me. Don't ask me why, I've made it pretty clear that I don't give a shit about world domination.

Hell, if I did do that, it would just be out of sheer boredom. The whole 'taking over the United States' thing was just to get the portal to Imaginationland, okay?

...I feel like that didn't help my argument at all.

Anyway, I carry Karen out of the cave and we make our way to the VIP section. Now while I don't have all the relics, I do have energy and magic flames that I've learned to solidify and reshape however I want. I fill the keyhole with it and make a custom energy-key that I use to open the door.

"Hey! What are you doing here, mortal? You never got the relics and you laid eyes on-" I power up into Grim Fate and make sure to show the whole process including the chills and screams with the death silhouette looking purple instead of blue now.

"You were saying?"

"Uh... w-w-want some clamato juice?"

"Sure. You want a cup, Karen?"

"Okay!" After clearing things up, we sat back and had some clamato juice for a while until Kenny and Henrietta busted the door down. They then fought with Mike who got his vampiric ass handed to him after a few minutes.

When the fight ended, Karen winked at me before pretending to still be on Mike's side like in canon and took him up to where the divers go (and the second to last boss fight is at).

"DUDE! WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HER?!?"

"I did. I guess she didn't like how brutal you were being. These are just some kids playing dress up while celebrating a birthday party." Kenny glares holes right through my skull and I eventually relent.

"Ok, ok fine, I'll stop trolling you and help. Sheesh, I already had to fight Damien here, dude. I totally kicked his ass this time by the way."

"You beat Damien?" Henrietta asks.

"Of course I did. It was easy beating that mean, vicious, nasty, no-good, baggy-eyed, marble-headed ignoramus! He's a stupid, yeeeeeee..."

"Flattery will get you nowhere." And he's right behind me because of course he is.

"Well if you beat Damien, then doing this shouldn't be a problem for you, right?" Kenny clarifies. Oh cool, an excuse to leave.

"Of course it won't! Since when do the main protagonists struggle against fodder? They're just around to help the players level up." And right now, I wouldn't mind getting another level or two instead of having my favorite restaurant torn apart while fighting with an antichrist.