How to Survive South Park

A Very Angry Guardian Angel

Kenny takes off the mask while grumbling about personal space.

"As funny as that would have been, remember to show restraint, Kenny. You could squash your canon self with a breath right now so try not to snap the vamp kids in half like twigs, okay?"

"...I promise to try."

Hearing Mysterion talk in a Bane voice is pretty funny, not gonna lie.

After Kenny puts the mask away, we buy the tickets and head in to confront the vamp kids where Kenny proceeds to do his best Saxton Hale impression.

"You have two options here, vamp kids. Either we fight so you can keep my sister and try to turn her into a lame ass vamp kid, or you could give my sister back and never bother her again because I WILL RIP YOUR SPINES OUT OF YOUR ASSES IF YOU PICK OPTION ONE!!!"

The vamp kids all hiss at us and some start to throw plates which harmlessly bounce off our dire shrouds.

"Thank you for picking option one. You know what to do, Dovahkiin." Mexican music continues to play as Kenny charges in and begins a mass genocide of the vampiric race. I quickly learn that these guys don't have actual powers like the bat shield and lifesteal like in game and instead resort to biting with their plastic fangs or throwing food and silverware at the caped crusader.

I was hoping he would scream, "Now PREPARE FOR AUSTRALIAN JUSTICE!!!" before charging in but Kenny still takes his Mysterion alter-ego pretty seriously.

Mike's uncle continues to try and mediate with a god awful joke about James Woods thrown in every once in a while and I head over towards Karen.

"Hey Kare-bear. Sorry about what Kenny's doing but he just really doesn't want you to do something you'll regret down the line."

"I know. I just wanted to see this play out in real life. You made it sound really funny."

"Huh?" She flashes one of her adorable little smiles at me.

"I know your se-cret." She sings. "You and Kenny don't even try to hide those conversations when you're at home. Don't worry, I'm not mad and haven't told anyone. I think it's really cool what you're doing. You're like one of those time travelers in movies!" Oh god dammit.

I thought Karen was too innocent to eavesdrop. Kenny thought so too. Our mistake.

Not Timmy's though considering he's telepathically laughing in my head again.

She gets off her chair and hugs me while I continue to hear the superpowered cripple laughing in my mind. I swear, that guy is more like Principal Nezu than Charles Xavier.

"Thanks for coming to save me, big bro. Can we go visit the arcade now? It's been forever since we went here together! Pwease, big brother?" I still can't resist those puppy eyes of hers and take her over there while Kenny replicates that elbow drop wrestling move on an unlucky vampire kid pinned to the table, splitting it in half (the table, not the kid but I doubt the kid feels too good after that).

'Maybe I should keep an eye on him after all?... Nah. Timmy probably has every square inch of this restaurant bugged.'

(("That and most of the parking lot.")) Figures.

We do the skee ball game first where I DON'T stick the balls up my ass like New Kid does and play the normal way with Karen who I of course have to let win. I may be a bit competitive at times but I'm not an asshole and will not use my asshole to win.

El Chupacabra is next and Karen watches me as I dominate (she never played and wanted some prizes) and win enough tickets to get her several pieces of junk on the prize stands.