How to Survive South Park

Two-Faced Shortcutting Traitor

I send a cup-a-spell towards the lantern by the door which then blows up and lets Tweek and Tolkien in. The five of us finish off the elves in the main room as we head towards the stairs, only to hear more grunts of pain from Cartman.

"Oh Jesus! The king's in trouble. We gotta go save him!"

"We could do that, or, and hear me out on this one... we don't do that."

"Well if we don't go and help, Eric would be really mad and hey, where are you fellas going?"

Craig, Tweek, Tolkien, and I head up the stairs as Butters reluctantly follows us. We head into the second door by the staircase as we see Kenny tied up and bouncing on the bed with an elf. The elf stares at us, likely realizing how painfully outnumbered and screwed he is while Kenny sneaks up behind him and spartan kicks him off the bed. Well, that wasn't how it was supposed to go but I won't complain.

We all suddenly hear pig squeals and head outside to see a beat up Cartman charging up the stairs looking like he's gonna blow a gasket.

"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS?!? I NEEDED HELP, GODDAMNIT!"

"We were saving the princess since we assumed that the Grand Wizard of Kupa Keep could handle a few drow elf foot soldiers on his own. Our mistake." Craig explains in his monotone voice and everyone else (even Butters) struggles to hold in a laugh. Cartman looks like he is about to blow at this point and just grumbles at us to follow him.

The locked door to Jimmy's room is the final straw for him as he does everything he can from throwing magic missiles to straight up ramming the door to bash it in but nothings working. It's like one of those Super Mario Castle Calamity videos.

While Cartman's busy raging at an innocent door, Kenny, knowing the game plan, charms the drow elf in the attic to bring the ladder down and I climb up after Kenny knocks him out. My powers at this point are more than enough to clear out the fodder so I'm able to drop down to Jimmy's room without a problem.

It's time to turn traitor. Sorry Cartman but while Kyle's kind of a dick in this game, he's still leagues better than you.

"Hello bard. I'm Dovahkiin, the new kid in town and I would like to make a deal with you and the drow elves."

"You think I will listen to your lies, human?"

"Ok seriously, Butters got me to join this game a few hours ago and that was more than enough time to learn how much of an asshole Eric Cartman is."

"Yeah he's qu-qu-qu-quite the handful, isn't he?"

"A single handful isn't nearly enough to hold all of his issues."

Jimmy laughs at this and while I would love to have some fun roasting Cartman a second time, I have to make this quick.

"Look, sorry about ruining your ambush and beating up your army but I have a way to turn this around for the elves. I can take down the wizard and get you the stick but I need you to trust me on this."

Kenny's POV:

"It's been a few minutes since Dovah left and fatass is still fuming. That guy seriously needs to take a chill pill or a few hundred if we're considering his body size.

Suddenly, we all hear thwaking noises and cries of pain from Jimmy. Wizard fatass does a complete 180 and starts chanting "Douchebag" and I can't help but snicker since he'll be going through something similar later. Only with him...

Dovah's POV:

"...it'll be real!"

Jimmy is on board with this plan and I take out the baton stick I got from Tolkien's security guard and start hitting the floor with it. As this is going on, Jimmy starts shouting pretend cries of pain while roughing his outfit up a bit. I can tell from Cartman's cheering that the others are fooled so I keep this up for a few minutes before having Jimmy hand me the stick and then collapsing at the corner of his room.