Heartbeat of the Sunrise

70

"Anywhere the wind blows, doesn't really matter... to me."

It took me months before I got to see him perform on stage. Dati pa siyang kinukulit ng mga instructors na subukang mag-audition, at ngayong taon lang siya pumayag. Maybe because it was our final term requirement in the Music class. I did my best to push his talents to its limits, and I can say... it is all worth it.

"Mama, just killed a man..."

Siya at ang grand piano ang lumitaw nang hawiin na ng production team ang stage curtain. He was wearing a black varsity jacket with the first letter of his initial embroidered on it. Habang tumatagal, mas lalo kong nararamdaman ang bigat ng emosyon niya.

"Didn't mean to make you cry," he played the keyboard while singing at the same time.

The back of my mind is telling me, this role is really meant for him. It feels like it was his own story. Like me, I knew how he longed for a complete and happy family since he was a kid. Kaya alam kong hindi madali para sa kanya na gawin ang bagay na ito... nang hindi nasasaktan.

"I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all..."

His voice broke and I'm not sure if it was his style or he was already in tears. But when he lifted his bloodshot eyes on me, I knew what was happening. But I didn't had enough time to be emotional as we, the choir, started harmonizing the song.

Nalaglag ang panga ko nang sinabayan niya ang tugtog ng electric guitar gamit ang piano! That was never easy because the latter was difficult to pair with the strong sounds of the strings. I thought, the dynamics would clash but it didn't. He used the loud and gentle sounds of the two instruments to make a smooth, unique and new adlib.

Ganoon din ang ginawa niya sa huling bahagi ng kanta. I couldn't see him because of the curtains but I'm sure he was enjoying every bit of his performance. When the musical came to an end, we all scrambled at the stage to bow down and to take pictures of ourselves.

"Okay ka lang ba?" I asked him when we got home, while watching a movie in our couch.

"Thank you sa pagpupumilit na sumali ako sa musical, hindi ko talaga pinagsisihan."

"Are you sure?"

He nodded.

"Alam kong mahirap para sa'yo na buksan ulit ang puso mo sa pagkanta. Naiiyak ka na nga kanina, pinipigilan mo lang!"

"Oo na, aaminin ko, medyo nahirapan akong kantahin iyong chorus dahil naalala ko na naman si nanay at ang pagiging pasaway ko noon. Pero wala namang akong ibang magagawa kundi tanggapin na lang ang nangyari noon. Kailangan ko nang tanggapin na hindi ko na maibabalik ang mga oras na sinayang ko. Isipin mo na lang... closure 'to sa mga pinagdaanan ko noon."

Unti-unting sumilay ang ngiti sa labi ko. "Are you saying that you want to move on?"

"Uh-huh. Gusto ko nang tanggapin lahat. Gusto ko nang patawarin ang sarili ko sa mga maling desisyon na nagawa ko noon. Ang mahalaga na lang sa'kin ngayon, natuto na ako sa lahat ng napagdaanan ko."

Isinandal ko ang ulo sa kanyang balikat. "Same here. Ayoko nang kwestyunin kung bakit nagkaganito kami dahil kay lola. I don't want to blame them anymore, now that I know that the past happened for a reason. Noong naging tayo, naniniwala na talaga ako na may dahilan ang lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay natin. What if I chose to stick with Jonathan until now? Paano kung pinili kong manatili sa nakaraan namin... sa halip na hayaan ang sarili kong umusad? I would never known you. I would never knew how it feels to be loved sincerely."

Dahan-dahan siyang napatingin sa akin. Na parang hindi niya inakalang masasabi ko ang lahat ng iyon. But it was true. This was what I'm feeling from the tiniest corners of my heart.