Don't Let Me Drown (Oli Sykes Fan Fic) COMPLETE

TRANSPARENCY

I didn't know what time it was when I woke up but Oli was fast asleep so I snuck out of bed to the bathroom. When I came back he was awake but obviously still in sleep mode and his hair was everywhere. "Mmmmmm." he sounded as I got back between the sheets and cuddled up against him. I knew by the way he started touching me that he was wanting to be intimate and while I wouldn't say I was desperately wanting it, but I wasn't not in the mood either – let's face it, I was never not in the mood. "I want to make love to you." he whispered. "Properly this time." he added as he kissed my cheek. I guess he still felt bad or disappointed about last night, even though he really had no reason to be. I smiled at him and ran my hands down his body, sliding them under his boxers and around him. "You haven't been with anyone else since that first time we had sex, right?" I asked as I started moving my hands gently along him. He looked at me seriously for a second. "Of course I haven't. I haven't been with anyone in four months other than you." he said, almost a little taken back that I'd asked.
"Really?" I questioned. It seemed like a long time for a single, attractive, famous guy in a band to have not hooked up with someone... but what did I know? I guess he could say the same thing about me being a model.
"I'll be honest with you... when Jordan told me you were at that Kerrang! party, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. It brought back all of the feelings that I'd buried and I guess I just didn't really want to hook up with anyone after that." he admitted.
"Really?" I asked. "But you didn't know you'd ever see me again... or that I would want to sleep with you!" I said, not trying to make a joke of it or anything but honestly wondering why.
"Well it wasn't just that, I guess I just realised that I wanted something real. I didn't want to waste my time fucking around with people I knew I had no future with." he admitted. His honesty surprised me and by now I'd stopped touching him since it sort of felt like he was venturing into a deep conversation. "I only slept with two people after rehab and it made me realise I was over that stuff. I hated it. I didn't want meaningless shit anymore." he added. I was surprised how honest he was being but what he was saying really made me feel good.
"Am I allowed to ask if you slept with anyone since London?" he asked suddenly, but a little shyly. I didn't care that he was asking, I mean, I'd asked him the exact thing so I could hardly say no. I just smiled at him and shook my head. "I mean, you can ask yes, but no I didn't." I admitted. He shook his head at me and smiled. "You really are something else." he said, obviously surprised by my answer.
"You know me, I'm not into meaningless shit either." I replied with a shrug and a smile.

"Can I ask you more about what happened after London?" I asked delicately. I guess I had always wanted to know what happened in more detail, but I wasn't sure how to ask. Right now though, I felt like it was OK to ask, like maybe he was ready to open up and tell me everything. He sighed loudly. "I was honestly such an idiot... but I want to be honest with you about it. I don't want there to be any secrets or hidden past between us, so you can ask me anything." he replied, staring at me. I looked at him but I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know the answer to some of the questions that immediately popped into my head. "OK, well, I guess I'm curious as to how you got into the position you got into..." I questioned. "If it's OK..." I added, just giving him an escape if it was too hard to talk about.
"It's OK." he said. "I was doing drugs long before I met you. It was generally fine when we were touring because I had something to focus on, but when I was just at home, the habit got worse. That was kind of why I went to London, to try and shift my focus. I guess it's kind of like I stopped using when life was good, but when it wasn't, I went into a spiral. So yeah, after London I felt really empty and alone and I guess I just wanted to numb my sadness. I got the drugs from two guys that have been my friends since high-school and I ended up hanging out with them more and more. We would just get high as kites then go out, drink, get into fights for no reason, vandalise stuff and I'm not going to lie to you, sleep around." he said looking away from me. "I never even remembered much of it, but girls threw themselves at me because I'm famous." he said like he hated the fact. "I was a horrible person and I hated myself every time I woke up; the drugs had worn off, I'd feel sick as fuck and there would be someone I didn't know in the bed next to me. It made the sadness worse than it was the day before every time, so I'd just get high again and the cycle repeated." he admitted. I swallowed hard, I would be lying if I said his words weren't hard to hear. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be telling you this, it's too much." he said.
"It's OK." I said. "It's your past and I don't want to just pretend it didn't happen." I added supportively. "Can I ask about the day you tried to..." I asked trailing off, I didn't even know if I really wanted to know the answer, but I also really did. "I want to be transparent with you, so if you want to know, I'll tell you everything." he replied. I just looked at him and nodded as I rubbed his arm, I was pretty sure he knew what I was asking about.
"Promise me you won't change your mind about me." he said sadly, desperately even. It honestly broke my heart. "Oli, nothing you say to me will change my mind about you." I promised. "OK." he said before taking a deep breath and exhaling heavily.

"I always felt horrible when I woke up... I'd realise what I'd done the night before and feel regret and guilt and completely worthless. Usually I'd just get high again to stay numb and that was the solution, I'd pop a pill and drink some vodka and that would get me through the day. It was right before my birthday and Tom had messaged me to ask if he should invite you to Sheffield for my birthday, and, well, it wasn't your fault in any way, but it just made me really upset. Just thinking about anyone even celebrating me being alive when I was such a waste of space... I had been an asshole to you, to my family and to the guys when they found out what I was doing... I pushed everyone away. Anyway, that pill I'd taken wasn't making the sadness go away that particular day, so I went to the bathroom and snorted a line to try and feel better, drank some more vodka... and I remember just standing there looking at myself in the mirror. I thought about everyone I had hurt... and I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore, so I snorted another line. And another and another... 6 in total." he admitted. He couldn't look at me. I knew it must have been hard to talk about. Meanwhile, my heart felt like lead. "I don't really remember much else. One of the girls from the night before found me seizing on the floor and one of the guys came in and rolled me over cus I was choking on my own vomit." he added. I couldn't say anything, it was so upsetting hearing him talk about this stuff. I didn't want to believe that he was talking about himself. "When I woke up I was in hospital and I was upset because I was alive." he said; his voice cracking as the words left his lips. I instinctively hugged him and I squeezed him so tight. I felt horrible so I could only imagine he felt worse.

His body felt tense, so I just held him, hoping he was OK. "You know sometimes when you're asleep, I look at you and I get upset because I realise how bigger mistake it would have been if I had of succeeded that day. I wouldn't have ever done any of it if I knew you'd be in my life again." he admitted. "There's so many things I wish I didn't do." he said, his eyes glazing over.
"I understand... but your past is part of who you are. Just remember that it's called the past for a reason, and it doesn't define who you are now or who you will be in the future." I said, trying to be supportive. "And I am always here for you, for absolutely anything. I am your biggest supporter and I will always support you with anything you need help with. Unconditionally." I said, just wanting him to know how much I was there for him. "It's hard to hear you talk about that stuff... but I promise it doesn't change the way I feel about you." I added. I was trying to be supportive, though I don't know if what I was saying was just sounding contrived. He just stared at me for a moment. "I know, and this is why I'm always telling you how amazing you are... because I was a monster, I just abandoned you when you were on your own... and here you are now, accepting me, even when you know all of the horrible things I've done." he said.
"I swear to you, I will never, ever do any of the things I did ever again." he promised. I held him tightly and he put his forehead to mine. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me." he whispered. I kissed him softly and just laid there silently with him as our faces sat together. His heart was pounding and I could tell that he was feeling a lot of emotion. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, to reassure him that I wasn't going anywhere, but it didn't feel like the right time. That was meant to be a happy moment, not one that felt like a product of a sad story. I felt like right then I just needed to hold him and tell him it was OK. We laid there for probably ten minutes not saying anything, just gently caressing each other in a totally non-sexual way. I felt so close to him emotionally and my heart wanted to scoop him up and hold onto him; protecting him from ever feeling sad like that ever again.

"So I guess I totally wrecked the mood..." he said quietly out of the blue.
"To be fair, I asked, so technically I wrecked it." I admitted. "But it's OK, we have plenty of time for that other stuff." I said reassuringly with a kiss to his forehead.
"You're honestly the most wonderful person." he said softly.
"You're wonderful too. Maybe not to everyone, but you are to me." I replied. He squeezed me so tightly and kissed me gently. "And Oli, if you're ever feeling sad or anxious or anything like that, you know you can talk to me, right? I mean, I will always do anything I can for you." I said.
"I know. I will always tell you if I'm feeling any type of way." he assured me. "And I will always be here for you too. I want to know everything you feel, good or bad." he added.
"Deal." I said.