Everything You Wanted Me To Be.

Chapter 54

We return back to the cabin in silence. Jace walks over to the liquor cabinet and pours himself another whiskey. I decide to undress and climb into the bed. I find one of his new T-shirts clean in a bag and slide it onto my head. I keep meaning to buy myself some. They really are the best. Jace comes over with his whiskey in hand and lays next to me. He's looking at me intensely.
"I can't decide if we are good for each other." He proclaims I sit up.
"What?! What do you mean?" I'm not sure if he's being serious.
"We bring the worst out in each other, we know how to push each others buttons. We never resolve any arguments."
"But you love me right?" He's deadly calm and he nods.
"You know I do. I'd do anything for you. Which maybe isn't such a good thing?"
"You can't love someone too much." He smiles and nods with sad eyes.
"Of course you can." He chuckles.
"What?"
"Remember farewell to arms?" I nod. He's fully lost me now.
"I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me? Yes. I want to ruin you. Good, I said, that's what I want too."
"Jace don't quote Hemingway, it's completely out of context too."
"I don't want to bring you down."
"You wont. Look at the life we are building? New York. A fancy car! You aren't and you won't. So we both blew off some steam, it seems we both need it!" He nods and downs his whiskey. He lays the cup on the side and slides into the covers and pulls me closer to him.
"We need to know when to stop."
"What?"
"When the pain out weighs the pleasure."
"It wont."
"Grace I won't drag you down into my shit again."
"It's too late for that. You've married me." He rolls his eyes. I both go quite and look out at the snow falling over the hills. Jace falls asleep quickly. I lie there awake and carefully slide out from his embrace. I walk over to the fire and sit next to it. I sigh and allow my emotions to take over. I've needed this. I've been holding this cry in too long. Jace trying to escape our marriage really didn't help tonight. I allow myself to cry, for my parents, my old life, Jace. Mainly Jace. I can't loose him. He's literally all I have left. Why do all I do is cry though, am I incapable of being happy.
"Grace?" Shit.
"I'm here." I reply. Jace leaves the bed. He's in just Calvin Klein boxers, his muscles stretch as he does and I run my eyes over him. He is breathtaking. I just love him so much. The tears fall down my cheeks more at the thought of loosing him. He sees I'm upset and rushes over he takes my hands in his and sits next to me.
"Grace? What's up baby." I shake my head. I don't want to tell him about my childish concerns. He raises a brow and cocks his head.
"Tell me."
"It's what you said."
"Mmm?"
"I don't want a divorce. I don't want to loose us. I thought we'd move to New York. I'd do grad school, you'd be my boss and then I'd finish grad school. You'd give me a promotion..." I pause I'm not sure where I stand on this matter but I want to make it clear I want it.
"We'd have a baby or two? We'd just be us. Shit will happen; we will fight tell each other we hate one another a few times." He smiles at me, showing his beautiful teeth and he chuckles.
"Grace I want all that too..you might have to pull back your promotion requests you can't just ask that and you know it." He laughs and kisses my head.
"Baby if we weren't together I wouldn't be good. I'd struggle. I'd probably still leave Atlas to you." He takes a deep breath. "I want our lives to be good, but it's been awfully dark lately. All I'm saying is, we can't grow if we are in a dark place. If it comes a time where that's all there is then we have to be practical."
"Why wouldn't we just go to therapy?"
"I'm supposed to tell a therapist I killed 5 people because they put you in danger?" I laugh.
"I'd end up locked up in a mental asylum." He continues and I smile.
"I'd still visit?" He pulls me into a hug.
"We won't get divorced Grace. There's a lot though, we just need to navigate it in the right way." I nod.
"I think I do need therapy though."He says and I pull away surprised.
"But you couldn't talk about half the stuff you are worried about?"
"I could, I'd just need a really well paid therapist." He smiles and I laugh.
"Come back to bed?" I nod. I take his hand and we climb back into bed looking out the window.
"Do you feel better?" He asks.
"I'm sorry for what I said." I reply. He laughs.
"We all say things we don't mean when we are angry. I should know I'm the worst for it." I nod and trace one of his chest tattoos it's one of my favourite ones, I do have a lot of favourite ones though, it's a feather that's falling from a bird. I love it.
"I do want to talk about that night though Grace." I look up at him. His eyes were waiting for mine.
"You can't keep bringing that up, I know I shouldn't have gone out all night. I was mad, I was stupid I know. I was entitled to have feelings about that though." I nod.
"I know, you could have handled it differently thought Jace. You never wanted the baby the way I did. You weren't the one feeling it too."
" I could have, the way I reacted was wrong. I am sorry. You don't realise how sorry I am." I don't say anything I just glance down.
"Lexi.." he continues "she is a friend. I use to go out with her. She was one of the lads. I also never slept with her...I'm not her type." I snigger.
"You're everyone's type and if you don't know that your an idiot." A big smile flashes over his face.
"I assure you, your more her type than I am." Oh. I bite my lip.
"I was a bit of an idiot." He laughs and pulls me in.
"Yes, you were." He kisses my forehead.
"Can we agree to leave that night in the past Grace? We are both very different people now. We both hurt each other in different ways."
"Yes..I'll try."
"I fucking love you." He whispers quietly as if I'm not suppose to hear.
I smile and snuggle into him. He always feels so safe.