The Girl in the Mirror 2 (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 33

Sienna’s POV

I feel physically and mentally drained as I lay a sleeping Freddy down in his cot. I’ve fed him, winded him and spent far too long cuddling him. I know I should leave, I should’ve gone, but I feel like there’s no point in leaving. What’s the point in leaving everything so sour? What’s the point in leaving everything unsaid? I want answers, I want to understand everything and most importantly I want to understand him.
If I did leave him, if I did get past his mum and Gemma he’d come after me. He’d come looking for me, angrier than ever and things would erupt worse. I just can’t see a way out of this vicious cycle, this continuous swirling spiral. We just keep going round in circles, plastering over the cracks and not talking anything through. We just fall back into the same routine and that’s why we’re here now. That’s why everything has got so bad, so hard.
I‘m so miserable knowing I’m giving everything I have to him and I’m getting nothing back. He swears he’ll change, but he never does. He doesn’t change. He holds back, only giving a fraction of himself to me and I refuse to accept that now. I refuse to continue living like this. I need to know where we stand once and for all. Either we’re together and he’s a hundred percent committed to me or we’re over. I’ll leave him and this time I won’t come back. I can’t keep doing this, not now we’ve got Freddy, it isn’t fair. I’ll still let him see Freddy and we’ll somehow manage to co-parent without being together. The problem is I can’t imagine us not being together, which is why it’s so hard to end it. This is why we’re always back and forth, never knowing where to go.
I’d still let him be involved with Freddy, even if this ends. I’d never be spiteful, depriving the two of them of their father and son relationship. Although, if we’re not together I’m not quite sure how involved Harry will want to be. Perhaps he won’t want to be involved at all.
I stand watching over Freddy, making sure he’s asleep. Eventually, I move away and I sit down on the bed, trying to make sense of everything. I’m sick of being so tired. I’m tired of everything, which has nothing to do with my lack of sleep. All I wanted was to spend the night with my fiancé, curl up in bed together, which we haven’t done in months. I wanted to enjoy being with him. I couldn’t wait knowing soon we’ll be in our family home together. I guess I was just expecting too much from him, like I always seem to do. The problem is everything seems too much for him these days.
I’m pulled from my thoughts when a light knock sounds through the room, coming from the door. I don’t speak as I stare at the door and it slowly opens. Within seconds Anne emerges, giving me a weak smile as she steps into the room. The last thing I need is to get into a discussion with her about everything. I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold my rage in when she starts to defend her son and his cruel actions. I do like Anne and she might not be as bad as she use to be, but her loyalties are with her son, not me. The only reason she hasn’t kicked me out is because her son wants me to stay. He wants me to be here when he gets back, so he can argue with me and make me feel shit.

“Everything okay?” she asks, remaining near the door.

No, it isn’t okay. I just nod my head, not being able to get into a deep discussion with his mother right now. I want to scream at her, blame her for having a son who’s incapable of loving someone long term, but it isn’t her fault. It isn’t anyone’s fault other than his that he’s incapable of being and remaining in a steady relationship. The only people to blame for this so called family is us, me and him. We’re the ones who created this dysfunctional relationship, which will be the undoing of both of us.

“Do you want to talk?” she asks.

I don’t want to talk, but I suppose we already are. I know she won’t just leave now, she has something to say, so she might as well just say it. The last thing I need is a heart to heart with her, I need one with her son. I’m never going to get that though, so I’ll have to have one with his mother instead.

“Sure” I respond.            

She smiles at me, walking further into the room and she perches herself on the edge of the bed, beside me. I keep some distance between us, not wanting the awkwardness of our skin clashing and touching. This is all already far too awkward, far too unnecessary.
I sit twiddling my bracelet between my fingers, staring at it like it’s full of interest. I don’t meet my almost mother in laws eye contact, knowing I’ll cry if I do. I don’t know how I’m keeping my emotions in, but I am. I’m fighting every instinct inside, which tells me to cry.

“Can I ask what happened earlier with Harry?”

I internally cringe, knowing she wants me to tell her what her son said to me. I don’t think I can repeat those cruel words, they make my eyes well with tears just thinking about them. I haven’t really come to terms with it all myself, so I’m not in the right place to be talking about this. I don’t even know what’s going on myself, I don’t know how he really feels.
I don’t respond, hoping she won’t push me on the matter, knowing I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t meet her eye still and my body tenses up in unease.

“Does Harry make you happy?” she asks.

I admire her for trying a different tact and for not pushing me to answer something I clearly don’t want to answer. I have to think about her question, wondering deep down if Harry really does make me happy. I know he did, in the beginning, but every time we’ve split up and got back together some of that happiness has disappeared. I’m not sure how much there’s left now. I’m happy though, maybe not on the surface, but inside I am. I’m sure I am.

“Yes” I answer simply.

I finally look at her and she stares back at me intently. There’s lines on her head, her face full of concern. Her eyes are full of emotion, pity shows in her eyes for me, which I hate. I don’t need pity, I just need the man I love to really love me back. That isn’t too much to ask.

“How often are you happy?” she asks.

I really think about her question, really think and that’s when soon the sad truth comes to light. When I really think about it I can’t remember the last time he made me really happy. I have been happy lately, but it’s been nothing to do with Harry. The happiness I’ve experienced is all because of Freddy, him being born and him gradually getting better. Harry has hardly been there for us, in presence he has, but not emotionally. I needed support, love from him, but all I got was silence. The only times he ever spoke to me was to have a go at me and I got tired of arguing in the end, so I stopped speaking altogether.
The man who use to look at me like I was his whole world isn’t there anymore. The one who held me when I was sad has gone. He can’t even talk to me anymore without it blowing up into a huge fight. He isn’t my Harry anymore, I don’t know who he is at all.

“I don’t know” I answer honestly.

I’m sure somewhere beneath the stress of Freddy and the constant fights, there must have been some happiness. There must have been a moment where he looked at me, smiling for no reason at all. There must have been a moment where I looked at him and knew I’d love him forever. There must have been a moment, even just one. I just can’t remember any of them.

“I hope you don’t think I’m sticking my nose in where it isn’t wanted. I think a lot of you, even though we didn’t get off to the best start. You’re the mother to my grandchild, so I’ll always care about you. I want to tell you something that my mother told me when I was younger and when I was with Harry’s dad. We were very similar to the pair of you” she says.

I stare back at the woman, who I was convinced at one time was the enemy. I was sure she hated me, but I see now she doesn’t. She cares about me, like few people do and she cares genuinely. She cares for me because I’m Sienna and not because I’m Sienna Star. I stare at her face, which seems to be full of so much wisdom, which I desperately need. I need her too help me get through this mess, I need her to give me any advice that’ll help me and him.

“She told me something, after I’d been dating Des for a while and after we’d been arguing a lot, which made me see things differently. She said the ones who we love the most, the ones who you think you can’t live without are the ones who’ll kill you in the end. She told me he’d steal my heart, without me knowing because I was too focused on his smile. He’d take it, drain it and replace it. He’d replace it incomplete and that’s why I’d always stay, that’s why I always went back to him. I loved him so much, I never saw the damage he’d created on the inside. What I’m trying to say to you is just because on the surface you want someone, doesn’t mean they have the best intentions for you. They don’t always love you the same and they don’t always feel the same as you. They’re not always the person you should spend your life with.”

Her words hit me, right in my heart and I try to stay strong, but it’s so hard. I feel a tear trickle down my face and I hate myself for it. She pretends to not notice, knowing the last thing I want is comfort. I understand what she’s telling me, completely and it hurts realising what she’s saying is true. I’ve known for a while that Harry doesn’t feel as strongly for me as I do him. I stay silent, knowing if I talk the tears will come rushing out.

“We can give everything we have to someone, give them every piece of you, but it isn’t enough. They keep taking from you, taking everything you have and in the end they leave you with nothing. I love my son, I love him more than anything and I know how much you love him too. But he’s taking every bit of light you have, Sienna. I see you two together and I see the difference in the way you look at him, to how he looks at you. He’s your world, he’s everything to you, but to him you’re just another girl. You’re just someone he loved and all he’s doing now is taking from you, he’s killing you and you can’t even see it. I know you love him, but all he’s going to do is destroy you. You two had something that was right in the past, but it isn’t right now, not at this moment. I can’t tell either of you what to do, so all I’m saying is for you to please put yourself first. You need to put your feelings first, be happy and do what’s right for you. Don’t let your heart overrule your logic and don’t make decisions based on memories. Think about you for once, think about here and now.”

The tears that roll down my face are out of my control as I listen to Anne’s speech. Her words make so much sense, but they’re so painful. She’s making me open my eyes, forcing me to see what everyone else sees. She’s making me see the person who I love. It isn’t nice, it’s painful knowing others see the mess we’re in. I didn’t realise how completely unhinged we were, not until this very moment. I always thought to everyone looking in that we had it all, that others were envious of what we have. Nobody is envious of us and our relationship. Who could be envious of a train wreck?
I know I should listen to her, but all logic seems to leave me when it comes to him. How am I meant to walk away from him again? How am I meant to forget someone who taught me how to feel and how to love? He was the first person who loved me, he saw the potential in me and my heart, when nobody else did.

“I love him though, I really love him. I don’t want much, I just want him to love me back. I just want him to keep his promises, I want him to mean them and I want him to stand by them, when he promises he’ll never hurt me” I speak through my tears.

She nods knowingly, sympathy and empathy still covering her features. She takes hold of my hand in hers, gently grazing her thumb over my hand.

“Sweetheart, I know how you feel. I’ve been you, I’ve been in this same place. He’s got the same genetics as his father, you two were just like me and him. Neither of them are destined to love someone unconditionally. They’re not even designed to love someone forever, it isn’t the right thing for him. It’s so hard for me to say this and not stand by him, defending him, but I’ve got the same urge to protect you as I do him. I see me in you, the same young woman who only ever wanted to be loved. When it comes to matters of the heart he isn’t fixed like the rest of us. He doesn’t love like the rest of us do. He was always going to end up like this, always.”

I can’t help needing to believe that she’s wrong. I know him and I know he has loved. He loved me once upon a time, truly loved I and he can learn to love me like that again. He has to be able to love me like that again.

“You’re both going down the same road as I did with his father. You think he’s the one, but he isn’t. The one doesn’t make you cry, not like this. They don’t put you down, hurt or supress you, not like he does. I still believe Harry’s dad was the love of my life, my soul mate, but he wasn’t the one I was meant to spend my life with. He wasn’t the one who I was destined to be with, like Harry and you. I didn’t realise how unhappy I’d been with him until I met Robin. It’s only when I let myself be loved by someone else that I knew how good it felt and how right it felt. I hope you get the chance to feel that too.”

I wipe my eyes on my pyjama top sleeve, drying my tears. I refuse to keep being weak and I refuse to cry anymore. I really don’t want to breakdown and show Anne how unstable and emotional I am. I really need to take some time and think about everything Anne has said. I need time to decide what I’m going to do.
The sound of a car pulling up in front of the house is soon clear. The sounds of wheels crunching against the gravelled stones fills our ears. Anne stands up, walking to the window, which looks out over the front of the house. She pulls the curtains back, staring out to see who’s here, even though we both know who it is.

“He’s back” she tells me.

She slowly turns around to face me, letting the curtains close behind her. She gives me a weak smile, which makes everything feel worse. She slowly walks to the door, ready to leave me alone to await Harry’s arrival. She stops at the door, turning around to face me and I stare back at her.

“Everyone deserves their happy ending, Sienna. Even you.”

She doesn’t say another word. She turns around, opening the door and she leaves the room. The door closes behind her and I sit staring at the door. I attempt to absorb everything she said, wondering what’s next for us. I just wish I knew what to do because right now I’ve no idea.

Harry’s POV

Robin stops the car outside the front of my mum’s house, not speaking as he does. We’ve only managed to speak a few words to each other the entire time we’ve been gone. I think he’s pissed off that he’s had to take me to hospital, disturbing his night. If he needs someone to be pissed off with it should be my mum, she insisted I went, not me.
The hospital had to give me some stitches in my hand and they’ve bandaged it up for me. They gave me painkillers, which have eased the pain, but made me feel a bit drowsy too. I’ll have to come round though because I’ll have to be ready to face Sienna. That’s when the shouting and argument will resume. We’ll come to blows and in a way it’ll be about time. We haven’t argued things out in ages, so it’s all been building up. I need to get it all out, I need to tell her how I real feel.
Robin gets out of the car, walking around to the passenger side to let me out. I climb out, quietly thanking him as he shuts the door behind me. He gives me a small smile and I reluctantly follow him inside the house.
The moment we walk inside my mum is heading down the stairs, ready for our arrival. She stares at me and I can see guilt on her face, which tells me she’s been talking to Sienna. She bites down on her bottom lip and the way she swallows nervously. I hate to think what Sienna has told her, most likely telling my mum all the bad things I said. I know my mum will have made her see sense, convincing her that we need to let this go and move on. I I don’t think Sienna will listen though, not this time. I don’t think we can be fixed, I don’t know what we’ve got left to salvage. The worst part is I don’t know if I even want to fix it deep down.

“What happened? What did they say?” my mum asks.

I haven’t got time to talk to her or explain what happened, I need to see Freddy. I’ll leave Robin to tell her what happened, he was there when the doctors went through everything. I need to see Sienna too.

“Where is she?” I ask, getting straight to the point.

My mum doesn’t look hurt or surprised by my quick dismissal of a conversation with her. She’s probably use to me getting straight to the point. She points upwards with her index finger, confirming Sienna is upstairs where I knew she would be. I quickly head to the stairs, rushing up them and rushing past my mum. I leave her with Robin, knowing he’ll tell her what she wants to know.
I reach the top of the stairs, quickly walking to the bedroom, where Sienna will be. I stand outside it, taking a deep breath as I prepare myself for the fight that lays ahead. I place my hand on the door handle, carefully opening it and I walk inside. I find her sat on the bed, staring into space. She looks over at me, no concern showing on her face, which doesn’t surprise me. I wasn’t expecting any empathy from her, I wasn’t expecting anything from her. I walk inside, shutting the door behind me ready for it all to kick off.
I wait by the door, willing her to speak first, but she says nothing. I know she’s waiting for me to speak, but I don’t know where to start. I walk towards the bed, sitting down beside her and she immediately moves up, creating more space between us. I’m not offended, I prefer there to be more space between us. I stare ahead, like she does, neither of us speaking still.
I know I need to make the first move, be the first to speak. I need to explain to her what’s been going on and why I’ve behaved the way that I have. I need her to understand how it feels to be me and what I’ve been growing through, whilst she’s been fixated on Freddy.
I open my mouth to speak, but before I can Freddy lets out a small cough. Sienna is straight up on to her feet, rushing to his cot and staring in at him. What’s she doing it was only a cough? She leans in to the cot, most likely checking his breathing and checking his head to see if he’s warm. She’s there for several minutes, until she’s satisfied that he’s okay and then she walks back to the bed. She sits back down, refusing to look at me or to speak still.

“Can we talk?” I finally ask “I want to tell you the way I feel, without you interrupting and without this escalating into a huge fight.”

She finally turns to look at me and I see the familiar pain showing in her blue eyes. She gives me a knowing look, her eyes brows raised, showing me she knows herself where this will go. We can’t talk without fighting, it seems impossible for us.

“Go on, talk then” she pushes.

I nod looking away from her, so I can’t see the pain on her face. It’ll all be easier to say when I don’t have to look at her. I don’t want to see her cry anymore, I don’t want to make her cry anymore. I take a deep breath, trying to relax myself, so I can tell her everything.

“It feels like I wait for months, years for us to get back together and then when we are it doesn’t feel right. Especially this time around it feels different to the other times, not good different. It isn’t like it was before, which is good sometimes. We don’t fight like we use to, we just let things go and pass us by. It feels like neither of us care though, we don’t care enough to fight over us. You never say anything back to me, you just let it go. It’s like the fire has gone out of you, out of us” I tell her.

I can feel her eyes boring into me, but I refuse to look at her. It feels like the strain is lifting from me with every word that I speak and every word I get off my chest.

“The passion and heat has gone. I look at you now and I don’t get the urge to kiss you or fuck you. I just don’t feel it anymore. You’re gorgeous still, fucking beautiful, but when I see you now all I see is deceit. You’ve no idea how hard it is to trust you after everything you’ve done. It was so hard being in One Direction when two of them had touched you and seen you naked. They’ve seen every inch of you like I have, they’ve seen the small mole on your back and they know what your lips feel like. I couldn’t live with it, I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t have a choice, I had to leave them. I didn’t do it because I fell out of love with making music, music is a part of me. It flows through my veins, it helps me function. I’ve been fucking miserable without it. I just couldn’t be in that band anymore, knowing you’d slept with Liam and Zayn.”

I finally look at her, I can see the anger building on her face. I know I’ve done things to her, which have made her not trust me. I know I’ve betrayed her too. The difference is her betrayal was much closer to home, it was much more intimate. She didn’t just sleep with Liam, she had a relationship with him and she claimed she loved him. The idea of her loving him more than me makes me feel sick. I can’t think about it, I can’t stand it.

“Do you think you’d cope if the roles had been reversed? I don’t think anyone could go through what I did. When I got the call offering me a new contract, the chance to make my own music, I wanted it. I hadn’t wanted something that much in ages. The only reason I didn’t tell you was because I knew you wouldn’t understand. I want to have it all I want a family and I want to be me, I want to be the Harry who makes music. I want to be more than a boyfriend and a father. I want to be Harry Styles.”

She stares back at me, shaking her head as she does. She doesn’t understand, she never does. She doesn’t get how this feels, she doesn’t have the same love for music as I do.

“Nothing has gone right for us in so long, everything went wrong” I sigh.

“What?” she asks harshly “What about our son being alive? That went right!”

“I know that, but there’s everything else that goes with him. He’s got downs syndrome how’s that right?” I ask.

She stands up harshly, moving away from me. She grips her hair, pacing the room like she’s in distress. She turns back to me, anger covering her features. Her skin turns red, her skin becoming blotchy.

“You’re disgusting!” she claims “We’re blessed to have him. How can you not see that? We could have lost him at least he’s alive. We’re lucky to have him, regardless of his disability.”

“I can’t help how I feel, I can’t help wanting a normal son.”

“I hate you” she tells me simply “I fucking hate you.”

I don’t react, I don’t rise to her because a part of me hates her too.

“You not loving me and you not trusting me doesn’t bother me, but you speaking about our son like that makes me loathe you. I don’t know how I’ve stayed with you, I don’t know how I’ve put up with you.”

I shrug I don’t care anymore, I really don’t care. This is the easiest way, this is the best way to go about things. She’ll leave me, she’ll take Freddy, which is okay for now. It’ll give me a chance to get my career back on track and then I’ll swoop back in again. I’ll take her heart back and she’ll return the feelings for me because it’s me and Sienna. We always sort things out, we always will.

“Go then” I say simply.

She shakes her head in disbelief, tears in her eyes, as she stares at me.

“I don’t get you, I don’t get how you think. Hours ago you stopped me from leaving, you caused all of this shit for nothing. You caused damage to your car, had to go to hospital all to stop me leaving and now you want me to go. Is there something wrong with you?”

I know I seem insane, but in the long run she’ll understand. She’ll know why I’m doing this one day. I couldn’t stand her taking Freddy away from me without my consent, but I’m giving it to her now. I’m letting her go for now.

“I’ll help you pack” I tell her.

She laughs in disbelief, wiping the tears from beneath her eyes.

“Don’t help me with anything!” she snaps.

“Fine” I shrug “Let me know where you go”.

I get up off the bed, walking to the door and I leave her inside the bedroom. I leave her alone to pack, hoping I’m doing the right thing. It feels like the right thing.

***

I stand at the front door at my mum’s house, watching her. I watch her struggling to load up the taxi with Freddy’s things, crying as she does. I don’t offer to help, I can’t help her because this is hurting me as much as it’s hurting her. The difference is I’m hiding it, I’m hiding how I feel.
She turns to look at me, once Freddy is secured in the back seat in his car seat. She wants me to say something, she wants me to stop her, but I can’t. I need some space, I need to get everything sorted out for myself first. I need time to love her again, really love her.

“Anything else I’ve left you can give away to charity. I’ll buy new” she says.

I nod, folding my arms over my chest. I’ll get all new when I get somewhere new to live in London.

“Okay. Let me know where you’re staying, so I can arrange to see Freddy” I respond.

“I will…..goodbye then” she says lingering.

She is desperate for me to ask her to stay. She’ll stay if I ask her too, even after everything I’ve said. I can’t’ ask her to stay, I’ve gone too far now and I need to follow through with this. I need to let her go, so we can appreciate each other again. I need to do this for me, so I can be happy firstly. I need to put myself first and treat myself as the most important person in my life.

“Bye.”

She turns away, walking to the taxi door and she looks back at me. She’s crying and I keep an emotionless expression. She climbs into the car, closing the door and then the car drives away. I watch her leave me, like so many times before, but this time I know we’ll be together again. I know this time we both just need some time apart and everything will work out. It’ll always work out for us.

Sienna’s POV

I shamefully cry the entire drive to London. I feel lost, I feel alone again. I suppose I’ve been alone for a while now, but knowing I can’t look beside me and see Harry isn’t easy. I just wish he could love me, like I love him. This is the best thing long term, but it doesn’t feel like it now. This is it now though. I swear to myself I’ll never go back to him, not again. I won’t put myself through this again. I won’t let him do this to me again.
The car pulls up outside my destination. I don’t know if I’ll be welcome here, I just didn’t know where else to go at this time of night. I didn’t know who to turn too.

“Are you okay to wait?” I ask the driver “I need to make sure they’re home.”

“Course love, it’s fine” the driver smiles.

I undo Freddy’s car seat, picking him up and I open the car door, carefully climbing out, with Freddy in hand. I make my way to the front door, going through the gates and when I reach the door, I knock loudly. I stare down at Freddy, who sleeps soundly.
I’m relieved when a couple of minutes later the door opens, the face at the door staring back at me is filled with concern and confusion. I was probably the last person they expected to see. I start to cry, needing love and comfort.

“I’m so sorry turning up like this, but please can we stay with you?"

A/N - Hey guys sorry for the late update. Thanks for sticking with me if you've read this. I've got some health issues at the moment, so been to worried to write. Hopefully, I'll get good news this week and everything will be okay. Thanks though for sticking with me and I'll update again asap. ILY. If you like the chapter please vote and comment, it means alot. Take Care xxx