abnormal tragedy

Chapter 51: geared up

Once she'd geared up, Rowan found Aragorn in the throne room. He did not even hear her come in - sheathing his sword, he looked so immersed in his own thoughts Rowan could almost touch the worry with her fingers. The air was filled with it. ''Aragorn.'' The Evenstar was missing. He barely looked up. ''Afraid you might break it?'' she asked. He gave his sister a questioning look. ''The Evenstar. You always wear it,'' Rowan explained. ''It is broken already.''

''What? How?'' Rowan questioned. ''It fell to the ground and shattered.''

''Brother.. I always know when you're not telling me something.'' He gave away a deep sigh. ''When I spoke to Sauron- in the Palantír- I saw Arwen.'' ''You spoke to him? What did you see?'' Rowan asked as she pulled her brother into a tight hug. ''She was dead. Or dying. I-''

''Aragorn-''

''I was so taken aback, I dropped the Palantír. I do not know how the Evenstar fell. It makes no sense.'' He cried. ''An evil conjurer of cheap tricks,'' Rowan spat, ''Aragorn, what Sauron showed you will not happen,'' she said, putting her hand firmly on his shoulder and looking into his eyes as though trying to reach his soul. She wanted to make him believe. But she could only do so much. He was always the one to give hope and comfort to others, but others gave none to him. A King he may have been, but sometimes he too needed to be reassured, encouraged, comforted. It pained Rowan terribly to see him hurting so much. He was her brother before he was anything. She cared about little else.

''We know not what will happen,'' he said. ''I know he won't break the Evenstar,'' Rowan argued. He only smiled and put his hand on my arm. ''Nothing can dim the light inside of you, can it, Row?'' Rowan smiled, he hadn't used that nickname since they were young children.

...

It was a five days ride to the Black Gate. Rowan was so sad during almost the entire journey that she barely spoke to anyone. Her heart felt as though it would burst. For the first three days she was so anxious she snapped at people more than once, so most were smart enough to keep clear of her.  Not for the first time at camp, Rowan was sitting alone one night and carving drawings into the dirt with her dagger. She could hear the men chatter and the fires flicker behind her. But she had to be alone. Just her and the night sky.

''You're going to have to speak one of these days,'' Rowan heard Legolas say. He barely startled her - she'd expected him. ''I don't have to do anything,'' she said, her voice a bit hoarse from the long silence, so she had to clear her throat. ''You're going to lose your voice,'' Rowan could practically hear the grin on his face as he said it. ''I don't care,'' she retorted. He sat next to her. ''Speak to me,'' he said, carving something of his own in the dirt. ''I have nothing to say.'' Rowan muttered. ''You have plenty to say,'' he argued, ''And keeping it in will do no good. It will only gnaw at you from the inside.''

''Well,'' Rowan started, and for a moment focused all her energy in not crying, ''Speaking of it won't make anything right either, will it?'' She shouted and nearby soldiers turned to look at them. ''No. But it will make you feel better.'' Rowan scoffed,  ''Better? Nothing will make me feel better!'' she snapped. ''Try,'' he only said. Rowan felt her eyes watering immediately. But she would not cry. ''I just hate it is all,'' Rowan said quietly, ''I hate everything. I hate the world and I'm angry. Do not ask me at whom or what, because I do not know.''

''And I constantly feel on the verge of tears. I just-,'' Rowan took a breath, ''I am afraid. For the first time in my life I am genuinely afraid. I don't- I don't want to say goodbye to anyone else.'' He only listened, and carved. And Rowan appreciated it more than anything. And it was only when a silence followed that she realised how much it did make her feel better. She felt unloaded. She no longer felt like crying. The sounds in the background were getting quieter. Most men were probably getting their rest after the meal. Not for the first time, Rowan wished tomorrow wouldn't come. She wished she could stop the time.

''We will probably be at the Black Gate tomorrow,'' Rowan said grimly after a while. ''I expect we will be,'' he agreed. ''If I die,'' Rowan started and shuddered at her own correction, ''If either of us does, which probably we both will, I want you to know something.'' He had given up on arguing with Rowan about the dying part. ''What is it?'' he asked. ''I truly love you. As I've never loved before.'' He looked at Rowan with so much emotion in his eyes, had she not known better Rowan would have thought they glistened because they were tearing up. ''You are both a friend and a lover,'' Rowan said as she took his hand and interlaced her fingers with his - it almost seemed odd for he was usually the one to reach out to her first, ''And if I could, I'd spend eternity with you, you know I would... but I can't.''

''And I love you too. I love everything you are,'' he said, ''And I would give everything if I could acquire eternity with you.'' Rowan nodded with tears as she got up and walked passed her brother and into her tent.