F*ck life and everything that follows after | BakuDeku | Depressed Deku

36

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After the weekend where we all had a sleepover, the week went by pretty normally. At least when you look at how my life is going usually.

I still had panic attacks for the week, but when the second one started, they slowly took off.

It was my antidepressants fault.

I actually somehow enjoyed the time I had without having panic attacks but another problem came up where nothing could be done to help me.

Antidepressants make you feel numb and empty after they start to do their thing. You just literally feel so empty and exhausted.
It was also like a switch was used to turn off my emotions.
I felt like a balloon which was laying around for weeks until the air escaped.

Now I'm an ugly balloon lying in bed all day.

I felt like my depression got even worse because of the medication I got.

The emptiness and numbness was making me feel so bad about myself.

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I was sitting in class, first period, English. I hated English. I hated school. I hated having to wake up to get to class in time. I didn't want to be there, my mind was fucking with me again and school didn't make it any better.

I was looking out of the window like always and stared at the trees dancing around in the wind.

It was stormy outside and pretty cold, a few snowflakes were falling from the sky.

Since I was taking the antidepressants Recovery Girl gave me, I started liking the cold again. I still enjoyed Kacchan's warmth, but I also didn't mind the cold anymore. It was relaxing and calmed me down whenever the cool wind was brushing against my skin.

I kept looking outside, asking myself why I was still alive, asking myself what I was doing all of this for.

I don't understand why I'm still alive.. I hate myself so fucking much it hurts me.. I'm so tired of life, I'm tired of having to go through this pain on a daily basis. I'm tired of failing all the time. Kacchan says that I'm strong, but I'm really not. All I do is existing while actually wanting to die. The numbness just makes me more depressed and suicidal. I just want everything to stop, I don't want to break down anymore, I don't want to be a broken person, I literally just want it all to stop. I think I've gotten to a point where trying to fix everything if way too late already. This hole I'm in is swallowing me more and I can't get out anymore. I even lost the will to try that anymore. Because every time I tried, I failed. Also, what's the point? What's the point of living when I can't give a shit about anything?

(A/N: This maybe doesn't really fit a 100% because this is actually something I wrote down in my notes on my phone months ago lmao, I tried to adjust it at least a bit.)

I kept thinking about how fucked up my life was until the bell rang and dismissed us for class.

Tomorrow. I thought to myself, tomorrow.

I was still sitting on my chair, that was something I'd probably have to do for the rest of the day. Kacchan turned around at me with a big smile on his face, I smiled back at him.

I'm so sorry, it shot through my head.

We were chatting a bit, he held my hand and I tried my best to look as happy as I could.

He held it for the rest of our little break until the teacher would come inside. I felt Kacchan's hand spending me warmth but I couldn't fully enjoy it. All I could do was ask myself how it would be like to feel the coolness of the wind on my face. I wanted to feel the cold breeze in my face, I wanted the wind to play with my hair, I wanted it to rush against my ears. I wanted to take everything in, I wanted to go outside.

Then the next class started, Kacchan turned around and the smile on my face immediately faded away as I was out of this sight.

Just like the past few weeks, I didn't pay any attention to anything that was happening, I was lost in my own thoughts and started creating a plan for the next day. I was planning for it to be my last.

I scribbled down a poem on the sheet of paper in front of me, I fixed a few lines here and there and after 20 minutes it was done.

(You'll see it in the 38th chapter and I gotta be honest it is a masterpiece.)

I put the sheet of paper into my bag an decided to trace it later so that it would look a bit nicer. If it was the last thing someone would have from me, it should at least look a bit more pretty.

I heavily breathed in and out, my head was empty. I felt so numb and I was so sick of it already. It was the worst feeling I've ever felt in my entire life. No emotions existed for me, not anger, guilt, sadness, happiness or anything else. I was just numb and that feeling was eating me from the inside. Humans are supposed to have emotions and I couldn't experience those anymore.

The rest of the day went by in a blink of an eye. My plan was done and I decided to fulfill it the day after.

I spent my day with Kacchan, we mostly cuddled and once went outside on a walk, I told him that I loved him as much as I could until we went to sleep again.

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The next day came in only a few seconds.

Kacchan's alarm beeped and he greeted me with a morning kiss. I felt like I didn't sleep at all.

"Morning Izuku, wake up," he said.

I groaned and forcefully opened my eyes.

Today, it shot through my head. Today is the day.

I smiled at Kacchan, I wanted him to see me happy on the last day that I had. I knew that it was wrong what I was about to do, but to be honest, I could care less.

Most people would say I'm acting selfish, but am I? Am I really acting selfish with this? That's not the truth. It is selfish from others to make me stay just because I could influence them or others.

Why live for others if it's my life?

Kacchan got up, changed for school and got downstairs to make breakfast.
I was still lying in bed, not willing to move an inch but finally got up anyways after a while.

I changed into my uniform and looked into the mirror.

My face was looking like I didn't sleep even once in my entire life. I looked so awful.

This face, this god damn ugly face. How can someone as gorgeous and handsome as Kacchan like someone like me?

I didn't want to pity myself in the mirror anymore and turned around to walk towards the door that lead into the hallway.

I got downstairs into the kitchen, it was smelling like toast.

Kacchan handed me a plate with a grilled cheese sandwich as I sat down on my regular seat at the counter and kissed my forehead.

"Eat up," he said.

I smiled at him and decided to properly eat that day, it wouldn't hurt if I did that once for him.

I'm so sorry Kacchan.. I hope you won't be mad, I thought.

The thought of leaving him actually hurt me in some way but I was so tired of life. I was mentally exhausted from having to wake up every single day, just in general from doing anything. My body and mind were shutting down. I didn't feel any appetite anymore, I was constantly tired, I couldn't keep up my attention, I was always spacing out, thinking about nothing or about how much I hated myself.

I couldn't even picture my own self in the future, I couldn't see myself even living one more day. It was sad, it was sad that my brain was giving up on me. I was sick and I didn't want to admit it. Instead of talking to someone, I decided to take things into my own hand. I could stop my suffering in only a few seconds, in the most effective way. I wouldn't have to deal with myself, others or life. It wouldn't be my responsibility anymore.

I finally would be free and at peace.