F*ck life and everything that follows after | BakuDeku | Depressed Deku

17

When the microwave started beeping, Kacchan took out the plate with the scrambled eggs and handed it over to me before he sat down on the chair next to mine.

"Won't you heat up yours too?" I asked him, pointing at his plate with my fork.

He shook his head.
"No, I'm fine, I enjoy them both ways, hot and cold," a small smile overcame his lips and we both started eating.

After a while of being lost in my thoughts, I started to think about what me and Kacchan could do together until the others came back from school.

It would be boring if we just watched TV or a movie.. I continued to think about it.

Wait . . . the rooftop!

I looked over at the clock in the kitchen to see how much time we still had left.

11:54am, good we still have a bunch of time since school ends at 03:10am. (That's actually the truth lmao)

I started speaking without lifting my head up from my plate.

"Hey Kacchan?"

He hummed in response and I continued speaking.

"Can I take you somewhere? I want to show you the place I always hang out at after school," I turned my head to him while he was still looking down at his plate, eating.

"Yeah sure, why not?" I smiled and got up from my seat since I already finished my breakfast. Soon Kacchan followed me as well and we started making the dishes. He was washing them and I dried them off.

While he was washing the plates from me, him and the class from this morning since they didn't have time, he asked me about the place I wanted to take him.

"Oi Deku, the place you mentioned, where is it? Is it far from here?"

He handed me a plate and I dried it off with the towel in my hands.

"It's in our school... Well... actually not in the school but yeah."

"What do you mean with 'not in the school', that doesn't make sense to be honest," he quickly glanced at me with a questioning face. I chuckled.

"You will see when we get there, alright?"

"Hmph, okay.."

We continued making the dishes until we were done and got upstairs into our rooms to change since we were still wearing our pyjamas.

I got over to my closet and picked out a black pair of sweatpants and a dark green hoodie with the characters "デク" sewed with white yarn in the top right corner, so that it is right above my heart when I wear it. "デク" means "Deku".

I took off my clothes and firstly put on the sweatpants but before I wanted to trow on the hoodie, I looked down at my arm and got stuck on the cuts I've made before.
For some odd reason it looked like there were a lot less cuts on my skin compared to before.

Is my brain trying to trick me? I swear there were a lot more before..

Either way, I have more space now. Why not use it?

My body started moving on it's own, I didn't think about what I was doing and got over to the black bag in my bathroom with the razor blade in it. I took out the blade, held it against my skin and sliced it with a lot of pressure along the places that seemed to be a little bit too empty for me.

My heart was pumping like crazy, I felt my own pulse in my ears, I was scared, extremely scared. Especially when I saw the blood dripping down on the tiles, which themselves still had stains of the blood from the evening before on them. Even though I was scared, scared of myself, I enjoyed the feeling that was filling my chest. I felt like something deep inside of me was getting flushed out of my body, it was relieving. It was like something that has caused me to feel bad about myself was getting out of my body. I liked it.

I was just about to do more cuts and go further up my arm until I heard Kacchan knocking on my door.

"Can I come in?" I jumped and suddenly got back to reality.

Again I realized what I did and saw that there was blood everywhere. It was dripping down my arms, the tiles were also red and tears started shooting into my eyes.

How did I manage to do this again? I asked myself and fell onto my knees. My sweatpants were now soaking up the blood beneath me and the one that was slowly dripping down from my elbows into my lap but I didn't care.

Silent tears were falling into my hands and my mind went blank.

For a second I forgot that Kacchan was still waiting in front of my door until he knocked again.
"Deku, are you okay? I'm coming in."

I wanted to stop him, I wanted to yell that he should stay outside but not a single sound came out of my mouth. I had no control over my body, even my tears kept flowing down my cheeks into my hands without stopping, I just couldn't make them stop.

I'm so useless, I can't even control my own body.

The sound of the door creaking open filled my ears but I couldn't do anything. I was screaming in my head but couldn't get one word out of my mouth.

STAY OUTSIDE, I screamed in my head when I heard Kacchan's feet walking along the floor, right into my room.

STOP WALKING, GO AWAY!

No matter how much I was yelling in my mind, he was still wandering around my room.

"Deku, where are you? This is not funny!" He sounded concerned and a little bit angry at the same time.

"Are you in the bathroom?" I heard him getting closer and with every step he made, I felt my heartbeat increasing. I didn't want him to find me, I didn't want him to see me sitting here like this on the bathroom floor, I didn't want him to see how weak I was..

I closed my eyes, please, just stay outside.

"Deku, I will open the door, please say something if I shouldn't," he waited for several seconds, I could hear him leaning his ear against the door so that he could hear me in case I said something and in my head I was still trying to make him stay away.

Don't get in here.. I'm begging you..