F*ck life and everything that follows after | BakuDeku | Depressed Deku

28

"Alright let's go. You just have to be really honest with your answers, otherwise we won't get anywhere," I hummed in response.

Kacchan was holding one of my hands and was drawing little hearts on my palm with his finger. It was tickling a bit but I liked it, it was a lovely gesture.

Recovery Girl grabbed a clipboard with a few papers on it, a pen and a chair to sit on.

She sat down in front of us next to the bed and started asking the questions which seemed to be written on the papers.

"In those situations that happen to you, does your heartbeat increase?"

"Yes, really high."

"Do you start sweating?"

"Yes."

"Do you start hyperventilating?"

"Yeah."

"Do you feel panic because you think that you're dying?"

"Yes."

"Trembling or shaking?"

"Yes, and you saw that."

"Feeling dizzy, light headed or faint?"

"Often."

"Do you have this discomfort and panic really suddenly even if you have a good time?"

"Yes.."

"Alright.." She was scribbling down something after every question and I thought it was the end but she kept going.
"Okay, I see.. I have a few more questions so please bare with me a little bit longer."

I breathed in and out and Kacchan lightly squeezed my hand, showing me that he was still with me.
I squeezed his hand back and he continued drawing hearts on my palm while Recovery Girl continued asking me questions.

"These questions are about the last two weeks.
Have you gained or lost weight or are you still the same?"

I couldn't really answer because I didn't know what to say. I didn't weight myself in ages..
"I don't know, I haven't weighed myself in a long time."

"Okay let me ask this differently. Any change in appetite? Do you eat more, less or like the usual?"

I looked down on Kacchan's and my hand, his hand was warm and mine was ice cold. His touch was making me sense some type of burning because of the temperature differences but I didn't mind it. I liked his touch.

"I don't know.." I said and felt Kacchan's head moving up from my back.

"Actually, you are eating less than you used to and you feel a lot lighter and skinnier compared to only a few weeks ago."

I went quiet and thought about what he said.
Maybe he is right and I just didn't notice.. weird.

"Okay, thank you Bakugou. Moving on," Kacchan leaned his head against me again.
"Loss of interest in things you used to like?"

"Kind of.."

"Short attention span?"

"Yes, definitely. I often space out and can't make myself come back to reality, even if I try really hard. I just can't focus on anything for too long, even if I want to."

She nodded, scribbled something down again and continued.

"I see, I see. Any loss of motivation?"

"I'm not motivated for anything. I mostly just sleep a lot instead of doing something. I constantly feel tired even though I sleep looong. I don't even feel like getting out of my bed, even if I have to."

"Oh.. okay that answers a few of the questions I wanted to ask. Okay.. uhm do you feel like you're not enough?"

"...," that question hit me like a truck and I mumbled a quiet 'Yes'. In that moment I felt Kacchan's grip get tighter and his body snuggling against me more and more. I felt bad for the response I've given, he always tells me the opposite but I just can't make myself believe what he says.

"Have you ever harmed yourself?"

"Y-Yes but not anymore."

"Alright, I have one last question. Have you ever thought about suicide or about not being here anymore?" (Btw I know there are normally wayy more questions but I'm too lazy for all of them.)

That question caught me off guard..

What am I supposed to say? I know that if I'll be honest, I'll be put into a mental hospital.. I can't say the truth!

"N-No, I didn't," I lied.

Recovery Girl nodded and wrote some more stuff down and went through her papers.

While I was waiting for her to say something, I just concentrated on Kacchan's warmth shooting through my body. It was really nice.

It didn't take really long until Recovery spoke up again.

"Okay so.. based off of your answers and what I have just experienced with you, you are suffering from a panic disorder, you can also say an anxiety disorder. But besides that you are also suffering from high functioning depression," the old lady looked a bit sad and I felt my heart dropping.

"W-What?" I never thought about a possibility like that. I never thought that I could suffer from depression or a panic disorder.. Why me?

"But don't worry. We have options to deal with this properly. I can prescribe you antidepressants or you can start therapy. You decide, you can also try the one method and if it doesn't work, the other one."

I thought about it for a while and went for the antidepressants.

"Alright sweetie. I'll get them for you. It's still morning, so I'll send someone to your dorm to give them to you. I should get the antidepressants ready by afternoon."

I nodded and let out a heavy sigh.

"I will go outside and talk to someone on the phone, you guys can talk with each other in peace meanwhile, I won't bother," the old lady smiled at us and stepped outside of the room

As soon as the door slammed shut, Kacchan pulled me down on the bed and I rolled over and buried my head in his chest.

"Why do I have to be sick?" I asked him with my voice cracking at the end of the sentence. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. The thought of me having to deal with some bullshit like that just really dragged me down.

"Hey, honey, don't cry please.. I know it's unfair and you don't deserve it but we can do something against it. As long as you take the antidepressants, you will be okay again.. So please don't cry honey, I hate to see you cry.."

Kacchan's voice was also shaky, like he was on the edge of tears.
We hugged each other tighter and didn't let go.

"I don't want to be sick Kacchan.." I whispered sadly.

"It's okay to be sick sometimes. The good thing about being sick is that you can get healthy again. And you will be even stronger after you were sick, so don't worry, alright? I'm here for you and I won't leave your side, I will do anything I can for you to help you get better again.."

Instead of going back to our dorm like we should, we both fell asleep on the bed in each other's arms for a few hours until we got woken up by Recovery Girl again.