Letters To You (A Troyler AU)

Chapter 32

Tyler's POV:

Some people find that there's a certain beauty in silence. There's a beautiful and peaceful factor to the unknown. Some people find it entrancing, intoxicating, mysterious almost—something to keep them on edge, something that gives them hope for something better to occur in the future. I don't know why people think like this, I don't quite understand it. I always thought silence was something actually fearful, something where if the entire world was silent you would know something was wrong.

I found it strange how, despite my thoughts being so different from so many others, at least for now they were true. Silence was enveloping around me, wrapping me so tight in itself that I couldn't move, or speak, hardly even breathe. It's like at my worst moments, silence just decides to attack me and bury me in its embrace, like I have nothing better to do, as though there's nothing at all I can do with the circumstances.

Silence is the thing that get's me lost into thoughts like these.

But I wasn't being silent to everyone. I talked to Hannah when I went back to school, I discussed my grades with my mom, and I even was Alfie's shoulder while he ranted on and on about his fear about him and Zoe. So no, I wasn't completely taken advantage of by silence, but it was there when I wanted it to be gone the most, like when Troye called me. He called me at least three times everyday since the he left, whether he realizes it and doesn't care or doesn't even know how much he's called me. At first I just ignored the calls, deciding it would take too much strength I didn't have to decline his calls, but as the ignoring became harder and harder, the urge to not decline did too. That is why only a few hours ago, I had declined a call from Troye. That is also why his letter, which I had read earlier, was just sitting in the bottom of my bag opposed to in the drawer with the rest of them.

But here's my dilemma, Troye Sivan Mellet was basically like my drug. I was absolutely and completely addicted to him, and although I've been without him for a while now, I could feel myself giving in again. My Skype was already open on my computer, my mouse hovering over Troye's username while I contemplated everything in my mind. What if he was just trying to call me to tell me we couldn't talk anymore? What if he really was mad at me and didn't want to break my heart in person? Or it could have been something good and I was just ruining my chances with it...

I groaned and took a deep breath. This was it, I had to do it. Without another thought, I quickly clicked on the call button and my computer instantly tried to connect. I waited. And waited. And continued waiting—just to have the call end. I furrowed my eyebrows and felt my heart sink. Did I already miss me chance? Damn it Tyler!

But as much as I was angry with myself, I was genuinely overcome by a huge wave of sadness. I didn't want this to be it, I didn't want whatever I had with Troye to end, even if it was just a friendship and nothing more. I felt my chest started to get heavier and heavier before my throat actually started to sting from holding in my breath so it wouldn't come out as a cry.

I clicked the call button again but I got the same reaction. No no no please no...I put my hands on either side of my face and moved them up, raking them through my hair while pulling it ruffly, messing it up thoroughly in my own way to distract myself. We'd be okay, we would. 

Breathe in, breathe out.

I clicked it again, deciding this would be my last attempt for tonight, but I'd try again tomorrow because I couldn't stop trying. Maybe I was starting to understand how Troye felt everytime he called me.

My computer displayed the same words from the last two calls as I anticipated the end of the call, but then something changed and it said "connecting to @troyesivan18". I took a deep breathe and expected for my usual Troye, my Troye who should be home right now because it's getting late for him.