-Chapter 84: Or Maybe I Did
**Trigger warning here for self-harm (Don't worry, it only happens once and it leads to a part of the story in the second half. If you can guess what it is, I might give a spoiler on it. It does come with some Mari character development too, so this isn't useless). Thanks.**
"Have you thought about what you did and how you were for doing it?"
I look at him, forcing a smirk onto my face as he stands at the edge of my bed. "Me? I did something wrong?" I shake my head. "No, I believe I was in the right."
I don't want to deal with this smug piece of crap right now, but I am stuck in his place in the room he gave me. I made a huge mistake putting my life story out there and making him look good. He's happy that he looks good, but he is still mad at me for doing that against his wishes. Well, life isn't a happy thing. He shouldn't expect everything to go his way.
"You're ungrateful for all I have done for you, Mari. How can you be this way after all I did for you to save your life? I am the one you owe for helping you out. I've prevented you from danger." What is he even going on about? He did none of that!
"You saved me for you own selfish goals. You never once saw me as the person I am. You're like Allen, Gai," I state, answering him harshly. I drop my smirk and glare. "If I could kill myself, I would just so I could be away from you. But if I do that, I'll be leaving a lot behind and you'll just keep doing what you want to do." And I'm not about to do that to Aruto. I refuse to end my life because of all the good still in it and I want to protect that good.
"I have always seen you for who you are and what potential you have, Mari. I do everything that I do because I want to take care of you."
"You're always watching me! Gai, that isn't normal," I tell him, glaring at the cruel man. "I need room to be my own person." I've hardly had time to be the person I should be. I have always been who everyone else wanted except when I came here. I thought I was my own person and did as I saw fit.
Gai looks away, looking really ticked off. "I married you because of who you were as a person." Because of who I am as a person? That is a lie! "I had a lot of reasons to marry you, Mari, and that is the major one."
"You don't love me." I stand up, getting off the bed. It is a pretty dang soft bed. "This isn't about me as a person, Gai. You don't even see me as someone you want to love. How can I stay married to you when you don't love me?"
He looks back at me. "Our marriage isn't meant to be one of love. If you want love, you certainly married the wrong person. I appreciate you as a person when you're good to me, but when you're like this it is hard to appreciate you when you're doing this." So, this is my fault? He's so wrong on that.
But he is right that I should have married someone out of love. I only married him to cover my own behind, which was the wrong thing to do and I feel terrible about it. There are guys out there who would be honored to marry me, but I picked him in the end. I picked someone with a lot of power and the ability to piss everyone around him off. Just how much power does this man have?
"You don't have any clue what I wanted to be like to you when we got married do you? I thought we could build love and have complete trust in each other. I didn't sign up for having someone I cherish threatened and treated like utter shit!" I never wanted to bring Aruto any pain, but that is what I did. And I did want to try and make this work with Gai, but I see now that is impossible.
"And you allowed that man access to your body and soul. How did that go for you?" He puts his hands behind his back and keeps his intense gaze on me. I've never seen him more ticked off before than this. This is the first time I've seen him like this over something I've done.
"It..."
"Can't answer that can you? It was a failure wasn't it? Mari, there is a lot you have to learn about life and what it can offer you. You also have a lot to learn about me and what I can offer for you and your future." What can he possibly offer me that doesn't involve pain and despair?
"..." I don't know what I can say to him in this moment. I had a moment of confidence and he snuffed it out by bringing up Aruto.
He grabs my hand and pulls me towards the bathroom. He turns on the light with his free hand he pushes me forward, making me stand in front of the giant mirror. He releases my hand and places his hands under my face, making me turn to face the mirror.
"That face of yours has changed your entire life. You're able to live with that face of yours thanks to me. You would still be Allen's target if you had that old face of yours and you wouldn't have gotten away from him for so long. You owe me for going out of my way for you to get rid of that face." That face?
Thanks to him I can live? Who asked him to do this to me? Just because I didn't care about what face I would end up with, doesn't mean I wanted what he wanted me to have! Who gave him the right to do this to my face?
"Take a good look at yourself," he orders. "Look at your face, now."
I look at my reflection, which is pretty nice looking despite my red looking eyes, and he releases his hold on my face. The woman in the mirror has dark hair and sad eyes. Is her face pretty? Yes, it is pretty. Is it worth having a face like this if all you have to face is hardships? No, it isn't.
"You're the way you are thanks to me. Without me, you wouldn't be the wife of a successful businessman," Gai tells me and my eyes go to him in the mirror. "You made the right choice by marrying me. No one forced you to decide to marry me. You told me you accepted my offer and it was because you cared more about yourself than anyone else. If you truly loved Horobi, you should have joined him by admitting to being a terrorist. He's all alone because of you."
"I..." He knows nothing about how I truly feel for Horobi. How can he act like I didn't care for him?
I thought of being with Horobi and not leaving his side. I wanted to live with him, but it was the wrong thing to do. He's a HumaGear and we don't mix. That doesn't mean I don't love him, but that I did the right thing for the both of us.
"I wanted to love you," I say, my voice low. I really wanted to try and love Gai, but he makes it impossible to ever love him.
"You should have faced reality. Did you really think that you could love someone like me? You knew nothing about me, yet you said yes to being my wife. You took my word on it that i would out you as a MetsubouJinrai member. You saved your own ass because you were selfish."
I place my hands on his and pull his hands off my face. I shove him off and look at the mirror as my eyes burn. How can he give me this face and act like it was the right thing to do? He decided my fate from the moment he laid eyes on me and I have no idea why he did. Was there a problem with my face to him?
Why should I like this face now? I get that I'm still beautiful, but he gave me this face. This face is only going to bring me bad luck if I keep it. It has brought me misery and I cannot end the pain it has brought to me. I have to destroy it. I have to ruin this face to punish this man for his malice.
His malice is the reason why there is so much pain in this world. I shall punish him for inflicting harm onto the world and trying to destroy the way it is. That is the...that is the...what am I thinking about again?
I lift up my hand and bring it against the mirror, shattering it as I look down. "Mari!" Gai exclaims, sounding surprised. He didn't see that coming.
"Huh?" I stare at my hand as blood drips down from it, coming out quickly. What was I thinking about before this? Something...something malice?
His hands grab my right hand and I look at him as he stares down at my bleeding hand that has some mirror glass in it. I don't feel the pain. There isn't a thing there right now inside of me and it is all because he drained me of it.
"I'm going to have to take you to the hospital. Here." He removes his hands from my injured on and takes off his jacket. He puts it over my hand and he pulls out something from his pocket. My phone?
"You..." He will have to buy another one of those, right? I'm so going to get punished for this, but I don't care.
"Don't worry about it," he says. "I can always buy another one. It wouldn't be the first time something has happened to one of them." I guess he's dumped fancy wine on himself didn't he?
Why did I what to hurt him for his malice? What was that? I don't get what is going on inside my head. First I am seeing things and now I'm wanting to hurt him. It is like I want to punish him for something.
He dials someone and I look down. He's really going to go to the hospital with me? Right now? It isn't that bad.
"Yua, I'm not going to be in at all. Please notify everyone that the meeting will be on a different day," Gai says into my phone. "Mari is with me right now and she's not doing so well at this time. I'm going to see if she's ill. No, I don't need you to come with us to the hospital. It would be a waste of your time."
He ends the call and puts the phone down, his eyes going back to my hand that has his jacket over it. He's mad isn't he? He's going to hurt me for doing this without thinking.
"Mari, let's just focus on stopping the bleeding. I don't want to fight with you," he says. "Come, you're heading to the hospital right now. I will make sure you get the proper treatment."
~.~
I stare at the stitches, well the gauze over them, as Gai rubs my back gently. I can't believe I did that. I don't know what made me do that. Was it from staring at my face? Do I hate this face that much?
I don't know all of what they did. I was out of it for a moment. It was like I wasn't there when they were yanking glass out with their tools and sewing me back together. How is that even possible?
The cut is in the middle of my right hand and goes down my arm a little bit, ending at my wrist. Not all of it required stitches, but some of it did due to the deep cutting from a few broken glass bits. Just why did I do it? Maybe my chip is having something go on with it.
"You're going to have to not use your hand for a bit. The plastic surgeon I called over said you wouldn't have bad scarring as long as you do as instructed. You are to not move your hand that much and have a splint."
"Did you tell them I did it to myself?" I don't want to be labeled as someone who is crazy.
"I handled the problem of them thinking that already. I will do anything to protect my image and ZAIA's image," he answers. "You won't see this in your records and I'll have a doctor that is willing to not speak on this come over to the house to check on you. I already had them sign non-disclosure agreement." NDA? So, they won't be able to talk about it at all?
"I am sorry for doing this to myself. I wasn't thinking." I literally don't know why I ended up reacting that way to my face. I never once have done that kind of thing before. "I was just staring at myself...I felt so much pain and hatred."
It wasn't like it was me thinking it, but something else entirely. It is like something else is in my head and making me think or see things that aren't truly there. What if Horobi is right about the Naki thing? What if whatever is making me act off is doing this to me? Naki isn't around, right? Is it my chip doing this to me? But why would it be acting up? It is only connected to the Abyss Satellite, nothing else. It makes no sense.
"I am going to remove all mirrors from your view until I can trust you being around them. I will assist you in preparing for the day until I can trust you being around them. It seems like you have issues still and need them addressed," he responds, not saying anything to my apology. "I will do my best to assist your through this, but you have to be willing to work with me."
I look at him. "I am truly sorry if this tarnishes your image." I usually don't care for it, but this really is a bad thing.
This doesn't just hurt his image, but mine. I don't want people thinking that he has a crazy wife. It'll make leaving him even harder if people think that kind of thing about me. He'll be able to toss me away into the mental hospital and keep me there if I disagree with being his wife. He can easily say I'm depressed and don't know what I am doing.
"It won't be out there. Everyone knows better than to talk badly about me and ZAIA," he tells me, reassuring me of this staying a secret between us. "You will be staying in our room until further notice. You will stay in the room most of the day and only go out of it to eat. Use your good hand to do things."
"Why do I need the splint?"
"To prevent you from moving your hand too much. You like to fidget when you're nervous or scared of something." He has noticed a lot of my behaviors, but they're probably easy to notice. Not everyone reacts like I do in most situations.
"Ah...right..." That I do. "I do that don't I?"
"The doctor said we could go home, but I'm staying here a bit longer with you to check on something. Do not worry, it has nothing to do with your injury. It has to do with your plastic surgery." What about the splint? "You'll get that soon."
I blink. "Why do you need my records for that?" How come he needs that?
He removes his hand from my back. "It is something I want to look into when it comes to you." Is he trying to find something wrong with me after surgery to use against me? Or is he lying?
I lift my hand up and gasp, wincing a bit. "Ow..."
I forgot pain medication doesn't stop it from hurting when it is moved. I have to remember that. It is like how it is with wisdom teeth. I wouldn't feel the pain, but the moment I moved my mouth I did. It wasn't that painful, but it still hurt.
What made me do that to my hand? It didn't hurt at first, but it hurts a lot now. Maybe I'm losing my mind. Horobi seems to think I'm insane, but he won't say it that way. It would explain a lot about my actions.
"Don't move your hand and rest. They gave you strong pain medication and I know how it makes you feel. You can rest against me." He is bossing me around because he can right now. He's the logical one right now. "I'll be looking over your medical records. Remember that, alright?" Yeah, whatever. He can do that.
He refused letting them give me a sedative to make me relax. Apparently, I was too calm on the way here. I only started freaking out when I got touched, which Gai told them he'll handle. I don't remember it too well, but he says he managed to calm me down completely.
I look him over. "Here?" Against him of all people? I rather sleep right up on Horobi's HumaGear body. He seems to be warmer anyway.
I wouldn't mind snuggling up to someone like Horobi when Gai is one of the options. Aruto is the best option. He's the type of guy who loves making people smile and keep them happy. He is a good hugger and I wish I could cuddle him right now.
"Here." He looks away from me and moves his arm away from his side, allowing a spot that is really close to him. "Come closer, but watch your hand. I do not need you busting it open and getting it fixed back up. You really did damage to it over your face didn't you?" I am assuming that is why I did it.
"I am tired. We can talk about this later." I am just going to accept this torture and try not thinking about it being him. Besides, it'll keep him from talking to me and that will make me happy.
I move closer to him, making sure not to move my hand much, and lean against him. He puts his arm around me and he places his head on mine. He is trying so hard to appear normal to everyone right now. I hate how he likes his image so much.
"Alright, we can talk about this later."
I will deal with him later on this topic.
A/n: This was one of the most difficult chapters to write and I'm sorry it was conveyed the best, but I wanted to show that she is in pain with dealing with her current face. She's struggling to cope with everything it has brought her. It definitely bothers her that Gai has controlled her life for so long without any punishment. It also will do with another part of her storyline later (which I can't give spoilers for). If you can guess it, I may or may not confirm what it is.
This was also done because it brings up the past (we'll be getting some answers next chapter, but can you really trust those answers is the real question). Also, this was done because I decided to write one hundred chapters for this part and probably one hundred for the second part. It is important for Mari's growth for all the next few chapters to happen.
I know you all have to wait a long time for some good stuff, but it'll be worth it. We will learn about how Elise ties into everything that has happened and what kind of person she was. We will learn more about Allen's relationship with Elise as well. The future chapters are looking bright for A-what? That is a spoiler? Sorry guys, I can't say it.
:D
PS: Good news! My twin's co-worker doesn't have COVID-19 at all and just had a sinus problem. So, she should be working (the co-worker) again and my twin is grateful. So, I'm safe and do not have to worry about it at this time. I will provide more updates on anything if it does happen.
Also, I am sorry for putting you all through the torture of so many chapters just to get to a happy ending. Don't worry, I promise you'll be happy when this story ends. Just dream about force pushing certain people off cliffs and you'll be fine. Don't have dreams about Kamen Rider. Most of them will try killing you. I am not going to discuss my dream about Horobi ;-; Gai was nicer than him in my dream :/