— Jeans POV —
"...How long has it been?" Sasha asks, her eyes unwavering from the full plate in front of her she just couldn't bring herself to eat.
I sigh, looking at the empty room and how on any other day it would be filled with the rest of the squad.
" Two years now." Sasha sighs, her hands slightly trembling as the cries from upstairs grow louder.
" I still can't believe they haven't found her body yet. It doesn't make sense." Connie grunts, pushing himself out of his seat. Sasha nods in agreement, but I can't seem too.
The idea of saying it aloud frightens me far more than it should. So instead, I sit up, choosing to head to my own room despite the unbearable noise I'd hear from the wailing of others.
But before I can make it to the door, Sasha obviously frustrated, sits up. " How the hell could Levi just leave her body there?! I mean if he brought her with from the beginning, her body never would of just 'disappeared'"
Infuriated, I turn around, a cruel scowling forming. " Don't you dare blame it on Levi, Sasha. If we had done a better fucking job at watching Mia rather than just Eren we wouldn't be having to look for her body because she'd still be here."
Her eyes fall to the ground, as does Connies. I roll my eyes, still irritated from Sashas poor belief as I exit the room. Not wanting to be there any longer.
I open my room door, shutting it quickly behind me as the sobs from Erens room grows quieter. My eyes drift to the window, the light that I had always been able to see from Mia's window, being unseen.
Perhaps it was wrong for me to assume that this time it would be lit and she'd be in there, but it never fails to stop the hope that it could be...or the pain when it never is.
" It's not fair!" I hear Eren yell, his voice hoarse and strained as I know he's with Mikasa — like he'd been on this very day the last year.
Having no strength to change, I slip under the covers, it's far colder tonight, not surprising, it seems as though everything on this day is. My eyes flicker to the candle present on my nightstand, but when I go to blow it out...I can't seem too.
As when I look into the flame, a memory grows.
Of how Mia had always been afraid of the dark.
And suddenly, I too grow fearful of it. As though if I blew it out, the memory would as well extinguish. And I can't bare the thought.
Erens cries grow louder, I shut my eyes as though it would help shut out the agony in his voice but it fails too. I wish to be strong, as I know if Mia were here, she would be.
But I'm just not her.
My voice cracks, as the pain that begins to emerge in my throat grows more intense. I feel like I've been throw in water and i just can't seem to grasp for air. My lungs begin to burn with the growing pain of the forbidden wails that wish to escape. I cover my head with my pillow, the continuous noise of Erens pain sending shocks to my chest.
I attempt to catch my breath, trying to recall the good days where everyone was still okay. But each time my mind begins to form the smile that Mia held, Erens cries whisk it away.
" It's all my fault..." I hear him whimper, the soft whispers of Mikasa attempting to console him sending chills up my spine.
And so the one thing I didn't wish to recall, begins to play out.
— Flashback —
"Would you like some tea, Captain?" Historia asks, the rooms tension weary and stiff. It's been 6 months since Mia has died and no one has gotten better.
Historia keeps attempting to keep everyone together, but one girl can't do it all. Especially when her own captain is falling apart.
Not that he's showing us, but, it's there. Levi shakes his head, his eyes falling to the teacup he had broken nights earlier still in pieces on the floor. Historia nods, unknowing how to restore the silence that she so desperately tries to fill, but she can't, as no one has anything left to say.
If Mia were here she would've started making fun of us, probably started fighting Historia too. She would've been able to liven us. I smile, recalling the graceful days of her doing the very things at the time we all despised.
The door opens, causing all our attention to be brought to it as Eren with dark bags under his eyes, and a chill in his voice trudges through.
" I need to tell you all something..." I raise an eyebrow, as do the others as we all await whatever he has to say.
" Mia..." I shake my head, not wanting to hear more of her as when my eyes fall to the Captain, his expression dampens from one of solemn to anguish.
" Just listen...please." He pleads, his knees beginning to shake as with his already trembling lip.
" On the day...s-she died. We were fighting Reiner and I- I didn't see where she was standing and..." tears stream down his cheeks, dampening the floor boards.
" I fell into a house and the wood — it flew everywhere and Mia...she was in the way and-" he had been so desperately trying to keep himself together, but as of now, he had lost himself in a sea of despair. His knees give out as he crumbles to the floor, his broken heart evident all over.
" The wood impaled her and I saw it. I thought she was okay, i thought she was fine but...she wasn't." Sobs escape him, his hands immediately clutching at his chest in attempt to keep him from falling apart further.
" it's my fault Mia is dead. I killed her."
But the room stays silent, no one had anything to say. No anger is shown or spoken, nor is any sadness. The room, despite Erens confession, remains empty again.
" I'm so sorry, Captain Levi." but all the Captain does is roll his eyes, the bare emotion we had seen earlier when Eren had first mentioned her was gone.
" Stop crying, Jaeger. You're embarrassing yourself. It's not your fault, it's only hers."
All our eyes widen, but before I or any others can protest, Levi leaves the room, still failing to pick up the broken cup.
" He just doesn't know what to say.." Hange begins, going to pick up the cup herself. Eren picks himself up, huffing as he carries himself out the room, Mikasa and Armin following.
" I know."
As it was true, he didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to do anything as everywhere he walked a darkened shadow seemed to loom over him. Not allowing of any light to fill the space he so desperately wished to be filled.
— End of Flashback—
It isn't Erens fault as much as I wished it to be. I so desperately wished to hate someone, to blame someone but can't seem too. Everyone's hurting, but today is the only day everyone takes off their masks and lets it show.
Well, other than Levi.
Unable to bear the noise of the hallways cries anymore, I sit up and leave. I make my way up the stairs, but before I can ascend the next, an odd light draws me back.
Right under Mias door, a light shines. I smile, the blissful hope that when I enter her room, she'd be in there.
But my hand remains hesitant, as the door is already open a crack. I peak in, waiting to see her again but, of course, i find everything but her.
"Idiot..." Levi mutters. He sits on her bed, a book in his hand as his fingers gently graze over a drawing.
I furrow my brows, he had always exclaimed that no one is to ever enter her room and yet here he is.
He resides in the silence, an awful tension filling it. The same shadow that always followed him remains glued to him as the overwhelming sadness that he fails to showcase shows in every other way.
His eyes are sunken, his fingers paled and weak. There's no color on his face despite the purple under his eyes from his failure to sleep.
He places his hands in his hair, pulling at it slightly as he lets out a frustrated sigh. It was a sigh I know far too well.
He doesn't know how to feel or what to do, I had felt the very same the moment he told me Mia wasn't going to be returning with us. Levis eyes shift to the floor, the dust collecting over the one rug in the center.
I wish to be surprised that he hadn't cleaned her room yet, but to me, it makes perfect sense. He doesn't want to wipe away the only thing he has left of Mia even if it be a cobweb she had missed the last time she cleaned.
And as my realization of the matter occurred, the shadow began to loom over Levi far darker than before. He places his face in his hands, a deepened sigh releasing.
The room holds a thick tension of pure remorse and yet, feels so hollow. It's sickening, and in the moment all I wish is to turn around and wish I never saw him in here, so I do.
I turn back, slowly shutting the door behind me and make my way down the hallway.
But with each passing step, a memory floods me, attempting to hold me down as each contain Mia. I stop, but steps continue to sound.
And again, the hope returns. I pray that when I turn around, she'll be there. I pray that she'll run past me after getting in trouble with Erwin, I pray that she'll grab my wrist and pull me with her as I groan and complain about her always roping me into her schemes.
I pray that she'll be here, and she'll be okay.
But she won't be. And the steps that have now stopped, will never belong to her.
" What were you doing?" I turn to Levi, to exhausted to even bear a salute.
" I saw a light and I-uh.." I look down, fumbling with my hands.
" What? You thought she was in there?" His lonesome voice echoes through the hall, the tire evident over his face growing darker.
I nod, folding my arms. " I just sorta-" he raises a hand, silencing me.
" you don't need to explain. Now go to bed, cadet. It's late." He turns around beginning to slowly walk back, and with my mind swirling with thoughts I ask the one question, I had so deeply yearned to hear the answer too.
"...do you miss her?"
He stops, silence dawning over the bare hallway. The only lights being two dimly lit candles, casting shadows over our faces.
" Because I do. Everyday."
But he doesn't stop me nor walk away. And so the wave I had so desperately tried to conceal, floods out.
" I miss her voice. How light it became when she was tired...or how cold it grew when Historia would enter the room," my eyes remain pinned to his shadowed figure, not daring to look away. " she'd yell at everyone. Remember how every time we had nobleman come to the castle, you'd have someone keep her busy so she wouldn't cause trouble.."
I smile, surprised he hadn't left. " and her smile? That was pretty great. We all had to work for years to see it but it was worth it. But I'm sure you already know that, you were the cause of it." The shadow loomed darker over him, but again, he doesn't leave
" she was my best friend. She promised after Marco, that I'd never have to go through that again. I hated her for a while for breaking her promise, I hated myself even more for hating her."
I curl my hands into fists, my voice threatening to break. " It's not fair she had to die. When I was going into the battle, I was so sure it would be me, I never thought It'd be her." My nails dig deeper into my palm, the force from my fists only growing. " I never- i never realized that it would be our last time together. I thought I had more time with her, but I didn't. We didn't. And I hate that more than anything."
I drop my head, tears staining my cheeks. " I hate that more than the titans, hate that more than the bastard wooden planks that murdered her. I hate it. And you have no idea what I'd do to bring her back, Captain, no idea."
And when I finally raise my head, the hallway is empty. The sound of a shutting door, wiping out the existing lights as the candles flame withers away.