i awoke the next morning to see riley waiting for me.
"hey" she said quietly.
i nodded in reply and made space for her. she laid down next to me. "you okay?" she asked. "im a sad little bitch" i replied.
"my sad little bitch" she turned to face me and planted a kiss on my cheek. i turned to face her.
"brendon found one of my pictures" i giggled.
"what!? how?" she asked.
"i was showing him our music video thing and he swiped"
"was it the one where you were wearing red lingerie?" she grinned. i nodded. we laughed.
"he didn't care - he said my body my choice" i told her.
"as he should" she replied.
"sarah told me to get you out of bed" riley got up and pulled me up. "you are beautiful" she kissed my lips gently then took me downstairs.
"thanks riley" sarah said as she gave me a hug. "you good?" she asked.
"better than yesterday" i replied as i sat down. brendon walked in whistling and gave me a hug. "i love you" he said as he squeezed me.
"i love you more"
"not possible i will fight you" he said.
"come at me bro" i joked tiredly. he scoffed playfully and sat down next to me. riley sat opposite me and sarah sat next to her.
"you good?" riley asked me.
"i dont know" i responded.
"whys that?"
"because i hate life. and i want to like it but i don't know how" i said.
"what if we thought of something?"
"like?" i asked as my parents listened quietly. riley sipped her juice.
"you could see a therapist again"
"im good thanks" i replied.
"alexa please. i-it could help!"
"not right now"
"for me?"
"...no" i got up, took penny lane from brendon and went outside. i sat on the ground, my feet in the pool, stroking her gently. the world didn't even seem real. i hated it. why was it so hard to just be happy?
"hey" brendon sat next to me, holding bogart. "sorry about that" i said.
"don't be" he insisted. i nodded.
"rileys really worried about you" he said.
"i know...im the worst" i sighed.
"you're not. you didn't choose to feel like this"
"i hate this" i sighed.
"me too" he put his arm round me and pulled me closer to him. it was quiet for a while. "you sure you don't want to try those meds?" he asked.
i nodded. "well...do you want me to help you?" he pondered.
"i don't know" i looked at the water, feeling terrible.
"it'll be okay soon"