I pick at the food on my plate, trying to ignore the nauseating feeling rising in my throat. How can I eat when he's in the same room as me? How can I eat when all I want is for him to call me beautiful instead of fat? I sigh and push my plate away from me.
"You okay, Destiny?" My friend Sarah asks me, concern written across her face. "You've barely been eating recently." I plaster a smile on, the best I can conjure.
"I'm fine," I say, trying to sound assuring. "I just haven't been feeling the best lately."
"It's not because of what Kevin has been saying, is it?" Sarah's voice goes stern. "Because you are not fat, Des. He's just a moron who has his head so far up his own ass it's unbelievable." I fight the urge to defend him. Because is know she's right. Kevin is a moron, he does have his head up his own ass. But I still can't help being in love with him. I can't control how I feel.
"I know," I finally say. My friends all know about my being in love with Kevin, my bully. The boy who torments me verbally, whose girlfriends torment me physically.
"I think we need to have a girly weekend," Fanny, another one of my friends, says. "Something needs to be done to take your mind away from that dick."
"So are we going to do Friday and Saturday this time or just Saturday again?" Sarah asks.
"I think we should do Friday and Saturday," Kathalina says.
"I can't do Friday," I say. "I can only do Saturday."
"Same," Jasmine says.
"Okay," Sarah says. "Saturday night. Where?"
"We were at mine last time, so no," I say. Everyone looks to Kathalina.
"Why me?" She whines.
"Because, to be honest Kat, you have the nicest house," Fanny states. Kathalina shrugs and carries on eating her lunch.
"So," I say. "Tomorrow. Six o'clock. Kat's house."
"Yep, and bring snacks and crap," Sarah says.
"Got it."
"But if I had you, that would be the only thing I'd ever need," I sing along to Adam Lambert as I walk home.
"Please shut up, my ears are bleeding." My heart jumps to my mouth at the sound of his voice from behind me. I try my best to remain calm, forget he's there. It fails miserably. How can I ignore him? I wish, oh I wish I could. I wish I could hate him. I wish I had the courage to fight back, to defend myself. But I can't. Not against him. I can hear him whispering to his friends, and I can hear them snickering. I subtly speed up my pace, but a few moments later I feel something hit the back of my head. My hand shoots up to it and comes into contact with something wet and squishy. Gum. Shit. I turn and see Kevin and his friends running away, laughing. Kevin's hair is shining under the sunlight. Tears spring to my eyes and I end up running the rest of the way home. My parents are at work, so I can cry freely without being interrogated. I run into my room, put Black Veil Brides on really loud. I go to the bathroom, look into the mirror. I look a mess; my long blonde hair, naturally straight, is dishevelled from where I was running, my eyes are red and puffy and my cheeks are lined with mascara and eyeliner. I pick up the bathroom scissors and attempt to cut the gum out without cutting too much hair. Success. I've had a bit of practice at this, because it's happened before. Twice. I put the hair-gum in the bin and reach for my face wipes. When I've cleaned myself up, I twist my hair into a messy bun. My face is now clean, except for my eyes which are still slightly pink. But at least I've managed to stop crying. I go back into my room and look at the time. 4pm. I pick up my purse, my keys and my iPod before heading out. I can't help glancing over my shoulder as I walk, nervous. I make it to the cemetery with no sign of Kevin and his cronies, luckily. I weave through the headstones and the memorial plaques until I reach the one I visit every time I've had a bad day. The headstone belongs to my older brother, Kenny, who died in a car accident about a year ago. He was always the one who listened to me talk about my problems, my bad days, and he would comfort me as I cried. I kneel down in front of his headstone, reach out and trace the lettering with my fingers.
"Hey Kenny," I whisper. "I've had a pretty shit day again." I can just hear him saying "Talk to me, Des" like he always used to.
"Kevin and his friends got gum in my hair. Third time's a charm, right?" I give a weak laugh. "I still love him though." I look up at the sky and watch the wispy clouds float across.
"I miss you Kenny. So much." The tears blur my vision and I look down, shut my eyes. Don't cry. Do not cry. When the tears finally subside, I lift my head and open my eyes. A few stray tears fall out and I wipe them away with my sleeve. I take a deep breath and proceed to tell Kenny about my plans with the girls' tomorrow night. He always liked to know what I was up to. I tell him about our mom and dad's plans for a movie night tonight. Kenny would be a junior, nearly a senior, like Kevin. I'm just a freshman. He's missed my first year at high school, which is actually almost over. Two weeks. Two weeks and then two months of summer. And then I'll be a sophomore. Well, my birthday first, and then a sophomore. I'm going to be sixteen. Sixteen! Kenny would be eighteen next week. I remember when we were planning his eighteenth even before his seventeenth!
"I'll spend the day with you and Mom and Dad," he'd said. "And then I'll go out with my friends in the evening."
"Sounds good," I'd said. "But you've gotta make it to your eighteenth first." We'd joked about it then, laughed at it. But he never did make it to his eighteenth, as it turns out. I sniffle and wipe my eyes again with my sleeve. I look at the time on my iPod. 4:38pm. Time always goes so fast when I'm here. I stand up and blow a kiss to the headstone.
"Love you, Kenny," I say softly.
"Where've you been, sweetheart?" My mom asks me when I walk through the front door.
"With Kenny," I say before heading up to my room.
*
"Oh, my gosh!" Sarah practically runs into Kathalina's living room. She's the last one here.
"What?" Fanny asks her.
"Spill, girl!" Jasmine says, excited at the suggestion of gossip.
"Hold on a second," Sarah says. She flops down on the couch opposite me. "You know Kevin's older brother?"
"The one who graduated last year?" Kathalina asks.
"The hot one?" Fanny asks.
"Yeah," says Sarah. "That one."
"Yeah, we know him," I say. We didn't even go to the school then, but everybody knows Kevin's older brother Ryan.
"Well, apparently, he was on his way home from College for the summer last night, and you know that Chevy truck he had? Yeah, he was driving that, and then–" Sarah takes a deep breath, and I've already guessed what's coming. I just hope I'm wrong. "–a big delivery truck rammed into the side of him. He didn't make it out." I flinch and try to block out the shocked gasps of the girls. Kevin's brother died the same way mine did. Breathe, Des, just breathe.
"Oh, my God," Jasmine says. "How're his family?"
"I hear they're not doing well," Sarah says. "Apparently Kevin's taken it the worst."
"What do you expect?" I say quietly.
"What, Destiny?" Fanny asks me. I look up and my eyes are brimming with tears.
"Everyone knows how much Ryan means – meant – to Kevin. They were like two peas in a pod," I say, my voice cracking. "Just like me and Kenny." The tears are flowing freely now, and I refuse to make eye contact with any of my friends. None of them understand what Kevin is going through, what real loss is. But I do, and I wish I could tell him that. Kenny and Kevin were best friends, before Kenny died. Kevin knew Kenny had a younger sister, but he never knew who she was. He still doesn't, as far as I know. I wish I could tell him that, too –that the girl whose school life is a nightmare because of him, that the girl who's in love with him is his dead best friends little sister. Kathalina sits down next to me and wraps her arms around me, comforting me as I cry. Fanny takes one of my hands, and Jas takes the other. Sarah's head is in her hands. I smile at the girls before going over to comfort her. I take her hands in mine and she lifts her head to look at me. She's crying.
"I'm so sorry Des," she sobs. "I didn't even consider how this might've affected you."
"Shh, shh, shh," I say before pulling her into a hug. I hold her for a few minutes, and she pulls away, wiping her eyes. I smile at her and she returns it.
"Kenny would be eighteen next week," I inform the girls. They all look at me with interest. I don't talk about Kenny very often, and I decide that I'll tell them about him now.
Kevin's POV
I walk into school on Monday morning. My hands are shoved in my pockets, my music is blaring through my earphones, my hood is up and my head is down. I can feel everyone's eyes on me as I make my way to my locker. I quickly enter the combination, grab my books and head to class. Losing Ryan hurts more than anything I've ever known. It's like Kenny all over again, only worse. My best friend and my brother, both gone within the space of a year. I lift my head a little and avoid eye contact with anyone. Then I see Destiny. She closes her locker and turns towards me. Her beautiful hair is in a messy ponytail, she's not wearing any makeup, and she looks beautiful. She glances up and our eyes lock. Hers are filled with concern and worry, but she quickly looks down again. Is she scared to look at me now? Well, I guess I would be, too. I've been such a dick to her. She looks up again and stops next to me. She seems as though she wants to say something. She takes a deep breath and I pause my music.
"I'm so sorry about Ryan," she says. I think she actually does mean it.
"Thanks," I say.
"I understand what you're going through, and–"
"Do you? Do you really?" I hate when people fake sympathy just to get into my good books. I had enough of it when Kenny died. Destiny's eyes go wide. "You know what it's like to lose the person you love more than anything? To have them snatched away from you like a toy?"
"Actually I do," she interrupts. "I know exactly what it feels like to lose the person who means the most to you. You remember Kenny, right? Your old best friend?"
"Of course I do." Why is she bringing Kenny into this?
"He died in a car accident last year, August 2nd. It was a Saturday." How does she know all of this? "Has it not clicked yet Kevin? I'll spell it out for you then. That day, you lost a best friend. That day, his parents lost a son. That day–" her voice cracks, but she goes on. "–I lost my big brother." My eyes go wide as she continues. "Ryan was your world, Kenny was mine. Yeah that's right, Kevin; the girl who you treat like shit is actually the little sister of your dead best friend." Her eyes are blazing with anger and hurt. She's got the same eyes as Kenny. How did I not see that before? I spend enough time staring at her. But before I can say anything to her, she's gone.
I don't see Destiny around school at all for the rest of the day. Maybe she sees me and runs the opposite way? I want to talk to her so badly, to apologise for everything. I want to tell her that I love her.
I head out of school at the end of the day the same way I went in this morning: hands in pockets, music on, hood up and head down. I don't even pay attention to where I'm going. Before I know it, I'm stood outside of the cemetery, staring up at the big iron gates which are parted slightly at the middle. The cemetery where Kenny is buried. I walk through the gates. I need to ask Kenny's forgiveness. Whether I'm in love with Destiny or not, what I've put her through isn't okay. It's far from it. When I reach Kenny's headstone, I see he already has a visitor. Destiny is fast asleep on the ground next to the headstone, her hand resting against it. She's been crying, I notice straight away. She looks so beautiful when she sleeps. I quietly sit down in front of the headstone, I take a deep breath.
"I'm so sorry Kenny, for everything I've done to Des. I was struggling without you at the start of the year, man. She was so quiet and vulnerable; I just took it out on her. I didn't know she was your sister, I didn't know why she was so quiet and vulnerable. Now I do and I also know now that I'm in love with her."
Destiny's P.O.V.
Someone sits down near me, and then I hear Kevin's voice addressing my brother. My heart is racing but I somehow manage to act as though I'm asleep. I listen to Kevin's confessions and I struggle not to cry. Kevin then stops talking, but I can hear him crying.
"I can't believe Ryan's gone," he sobs. I can't stand it anymore. I sit up and let the tears fall once again. Kevin looks at me in surprise and hurriedly wipes his eyes. I crawl over to him and wrap my arms around him. His arms snake around my waist and it's not long before he's crying into the crook of my neck.
"Shh, it's okay," I whisper, stroking the back of his head. It's what Kenny would do to me when I was upset. We sit like that for quite some time. Kevin eventually stops crying, and I haven't said anything because I know what it's like to be in need of a good cry. He pulls away and wipes his eyes. I don't say anything, just look at Kenny's headstone.
"Sorry about your shirt," Kevin says. I glance down and see a huge wet patch on my shirt where he'd been crying. I shrug.
"It's fine."
"How can you still be so nice to be after everything I've put you through?" I look into his icy blue eyes for a moment before leaning cross and placing a gentle kiss on his soft lips. My heart feels as though it's about to burst and my body feels like electricity is running through it. Kevin's eyes flicker shut and he breathes deeply before opening them again.
"Because I love you, Kevin." His hands go back to my waist and he pulls my back in for another kiss.
"I love you, too, Destiny."
"I know; I heard you telling Kenny."
"You were awake?!" I grin cheekily.
"Yup." I kiss him again.
"Can you ever forgive me?" I look at the headstone again and then back at Kevin.
"I should think so," I say before kissing him again.