Nats POV
It's been about a month now. And I've read that note every single day. The paper is starting to tear at the edges, so I have to carefully unfold it and refold it.
I keep it with me at all times.
It's always in my pocket. I find myself reaching for it when I need to feel close to her. So just about every second of the day.
I've gotten use to the motions of everyday life. And by that I mean I'm pretty much a breathing robot.
I do what I have to do. Work is just something that I go to because I have to. Because it takes up time. Because it makes the people around me believe I'm doing okay.
Or they pretend to believe it.
Alia is turning into a brilliant little lady that Spencer would be proud of. She's already such a little character at 7 months.
She's going to miss so much with her.. her first steps. Her first words. Her first time running up to you for a hug. The first time she can throw a ball. Her first dance. Her first take down.. All things Spencer was so excited to experience as a family. And with more kids.
And none of that is an option.
But I have to believe she's here. That's she's watching over us. I know she is. I can feel it in my bones.
But that still doesn't bring her back.
So I work. And I take care of Alia. And I let others visit or I visit them.
Anything to keep me busy, keep me going.
Because while I'm moving and going through the motions, the pain isn't on the surface. It's easier to pretend it's not there.
But in the silence.. when I'm alone..
It all bubbles up and does it's best to suffocate me.
I feel it pulsing through my veins, reaching every inch of my body.
And it's so hard to push it back down.
It fights me at every second.
So.. no.
I'm not doing okay.
With Spencer I was living, I was thriving.
Now..
I'm just barely surviving.
———————
It's been another month or so. I'm not even sure, to be honest. The days are all blurring together and the only happiness I have is in Alia.
And since she's spending the day with Yelena today, I don't even have that.
I'm forced to be with my own thoughts. They drown everything else out.
So I'm trying to go through and pick up the house since I actually have the time to do it.
It's kind of working.
I'm doing my best, okay.
I'm currently in front of the movie room, Spencers favorite room in the house. No surprise there. It was a necessity. Our kids had to watch movies properly.
I haven't really been in here since..
It's just not the same watching a movie without her.
I can't get myself to grab our favorite snacks, load up with some drinks and sit down to enjoy.. anything, without her.
I have to steal myself before I can even enter the room.
The whole house is haunted by her. Everywhere I look and go I see her there. I think of why she loved that area of the house. Or why she picked the color paint for that room. Or how she built the coffee table or shelves or..
So to go into this room..
It's a lot.
It all is.
I take a deep breath and hold it, pushing the door open on a spike of confidence.
Well, it looks the same.
It still smells the same; like popcorn.
The screen is still waiting to be used.
The movies in alphabetical order as Spencer had to have them.
The chairs are in the same place, one in the reclined position. Spencers spot.
But nothing is the same. Not really.
It never will be.
I take another deep breath and walk over to the chair. I can't put it back to the sitting position.. I just want to be where she loved to be.
As I walk over there, my foot connects with something, stopping me in my tracks.
I look down to see something black sticking out from under the chair.
So I bend down to inspect further.
I pull it out.
There's two of them.
It's her boots..
And..
It's something so small.
Just some footwear.
Just a pair of black boots.
But they're not.
I gave them to her for her birthday. She wore them all of the time. As we stood on the alter and vowed for the rest of our lives..
These were Spencer.
Something comfortable and simple and useful and stylish.
Something she would have worn until the sole was worn through because she wouldn't buy another pair for herself unless I did for her. Because she loved that they were from me.
And suddenly..
It's too much.
I feel like I'm holding her in my arms but I never will again.
This.. these boots. These are as close to her as I will ever get.
And I'm pissed.
I'm pissed that she's gone. That I have to try to live without her. That I don't get to be an old wife with her. That we don't get to raise our kids together.
I'm pissed.
I'm so damn pissed that the pain and loss is overwhelming me and I break down.
I collapse on the ground, clutching her boots as my eyes unleash water like a broken faucet.
And I stay there.
I let it all out.
Every tear I've held back, every cry, every yell that I've wanted to let out over the course of all of these weeks..
I let it out.
Until I'm just laying on the ground, clutching her boots.
Then I sit up, and I slide on her boots, slowly.
They're a little big on me, but her shoes will always be too big to fill.
I look at them on my feet. They seem so out of place.
I reach back to my left back pocket and carefully pull out the note Spencer left me.
There's some scribbles on it from where she rewrote some things, but I can still make out every word.
And I read it again;
Love,
I really hope you never have to read this. I wish I wasn't writing it. But I'm about to do something really stupid in a couple days that might make it so this is necessary. So here we are.
So if you're reading this.. I'm not here. I can no longer hold you or protect you or get you to laugh. I no longer get to show you how much I love you everyday.
But, know that I love you far beyond any casket or grave or body. That's why I gave you my heart and soul.
Our love is something that goes beyond all of that.
Also know that I am always with you. I will be looking out for you and Alia, always.
I'm sure it sucks right now. I can't even.. I could never imagine.. it just has to suck.
I could never picture a life without you. So, I'm sorry.
I am so sorry, love.
With everything in me, I wish I could be there with you. So I am sorry with everything I am.
But.. it will be better. It will get better.
We are told time heals everything.
But that's utter bullshit.
It doesn't heal anything. It just makes it easier to push it father back in our minds.
We become numb to the pain and learn how to live with it until it seems like it isn't there. And eventually, maybe, it's gone. If we're lucky enough.
Grieve me. Do what you have to do to let the anger and pain out. Don't hold it in. Talk to people. Talk to Yelena and Clint and your parents.
They're hurting, too. They care. They love you.
And I don't expect you to be okay.
I just wish I was there to help you through this.
So miss me, sure. But don't let my death consume you. Grieve me for a time, a short time.
But me being gone doesn't mean you stop living, love. Don't give up on life and all of the things you can still experience. There's so much more for you to do.
And I know I can't do them with you, and I hate it and I'm sorry.
But I still want you to be happy. I want you to be so happy you don't know what to do.
I want you to love life. To continue to explore and learn and grow.
So live for our little lady Alia and her future; what you can do together and what you can teach her. Because she still has the best mom in the world.
Live for the memories of us and what we did. Let them live in you as you continue to go on adventures. Create new ones.
But most of all, live for yourself, Natalia.
Because you deserve it.
And know, that no matter where you go or what you do, I will be loving you completely and endlessly.
In the next life and the next.
Love forever,
'Bub'
I'm once again pouring my tears out. I thought there weren't any left. I didn't know I could cry this much.
But I resolve something.
This isn't what Spencer wanted.
She gave me her heart and soul and love.
Her love isn't something I can hold anymore. But, I can keep it going. I can teach our daughter the love her mother had. How to share that love. How to let that guide you.
And her heart and soul will carry on in me and our daughter.
Her memories and who she is.. was, will always be alive because we will keep her alive.
She gave me the responsibility of taking care of them.
So that's what I'm going to do.
Spencer may not be here in person, but who she was, that's something we will keep alive forever.
In this life and the next and the next.
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