First Love, Last Love

The Big 2!

Sofia

It was Ezmaya's 2nd birthday in almost 3 hours!
How had I got a 2 year old already! Who's a peppa pig fan!

I was so tired of watching it atleast 3/4 times a day on repeat, now she wants everything peppa pig you could think of so that's what she got!

Daddy completely spoilt her, he got her every peppa pig thing out of the toys shop and a giant peppa pig teddy that talks. Freaky much!

I brought peppa balloons, table cloths, plates and cups, and of course the big number 2 birthday cake.
I also wrapped all of her gifts in the wrapping paper to.

I couldn't wait to see her little face light up in the morning.

Jaxon and i decorated the entire living room in Peppa Pig, and the table.

We sat down and had some emotional quiet time.
I would wait it was Hormonal and I cry over everything, but it wasn't just that.
My little bump had Definitely got something to do with me crying every 5 minutes though and Jaxon just kept shaking his head at me.

He would sit and talk to the baby saying "stop making mommy cry she keeps eating all the ice cream and won't share with daddy."

I saved him the last little bit.

oh what I wouldn't do for a nice glass of wine and a chat with Freya. But either one of them won't happen.

I cleaned up and headed for a quick shower and headed to bed before Ezmaya birthday tomorrow.

I woke up not feeling good, Jaxon thought I might have some depression since Freya died but today I wanted to focus on Ezmaya's birthday.

I couldn't wait to wake her up and take her downstairs, but first I took myself for a wake up shower and yet another cry.
It's suppose to be the most precious day today, my baby turns 2! And I'm in the shower crying over nothing.

It's taking it toll I'm so tired all the time. I sorted myself out for changed and woke up Ezmaya..

Jaxon and I sang to Ezmaya to wake her up "happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Ezmaya happy birthday to you."

Ezmaya grinned "my bifbif" that was how she said birthday.
We gave her huge kisses and cuddle and then took her downstairs.

She ran down towards the living room so very exited, her nappy hanging down her leg, I couldn't stop laughing.

She was the happiness little girl you could of ever imagined seeing, Lucy and Smit would be popping up later to bring Baby Becca.
Ria and Katie were coming over too a little gathering before my dads turned up.

I received a parcel off the birth giver, something for Ezmaya that I didn't want to give her off her nanny but I wasn't that type of person.
It was a picture of her and Ezmaya, the day she took my daughter from the park but that's the only photo she's got with her nan! And a teddy bear so I gave it to Ezmaya and put the photo and card inside her memory box never to be seen again.

I told jaxon about it and he said I had done the right thing, just because we don't have a relationship with her doesn't mean Ezmaya cannot remember her.
Enough about her let's get our princesses party ready.

It was a perfect day the only people missing were Freya and Ezra, they would loved to have seen her today.

During the little gathering people kept asking if we had any baby names in mind. So Jaxon and I announced to our friends and family that our son would be called Noah, we had talked about it and it was a beautiful name.

After everyone left Ezmaya's party we were going to take some flowers to Freya and Ezra's graves and have a little conversation with them, we may not be able to see them in person but they are always with us in heart.

We sung happy Birthday and brought her cake out.. it was magical and this time Jaxon was the one crying and he can't blame that on hormones!
we're both emotional wrecks. how are we going to raise another one without being emotional.

I really do love my little family to pieces I just want to enjoy what we have till this little bugger arrives and takes up all our time.

Ezmaya was getting tired so we put her down for a nap, before heading to the graves.
Me and Jaxon cleaned up and then he headed out for work because he got a call out, so I would take Ezmaya to the graves on my own.

It's hard knowing he's still working with that horrible girl that's trying to ruin mine and Jaxon's relationship. But I'm not the jealous type and I know Jaxon wouldn't even look twice at her.
All our hard work would have been for nothing if he did.

Our little baby boy was kicking so much, I had only really felt the odd kick and flutters up to now.
I felt a bit dizzy so I laid down of the sofa to rest my head for a bit.

I got woken up by a smack in the face off Ezmaya, I couldn't believe I had been asleep for a whole hour.. I just wanted to rest my eyes and time had got away from me.

I grabbed some cut up fruit and gave it to Ezmaya to eat in the car on the way to see aunty Freya and uncle Ezra.

This is the first time I've been to see Freya since she was buried, I couldn't bring myself to I guess.. accepting she was gone was a lot  harder than I thought, maybe I should call a doctor tomorrow to see if I could be assessed, I'm finding ever day harder and more emotional.
I just want to be fixed before our little baby is here, I want to be a happy mom and a prefect wife to Jaxon there is no time for depression.

Ezmaya always kisses Ezra headstone and says "love your Ezra  kiss kiss" she really does melt my heart, imagine if he could see her now, he would be gob smacked with her attitude, but he would love her unconditionally and to be told he's going to be a uncle again, I just wish we had more time.

After talking to hind or a while and cleaning up the grave we said we said good bye and walked around the back of the church to see Freya.
I had to prepare myself, I could see myself bawling up again.
'I've got this' I thought to myself.

So there we were, standing at Freya's grave side.. Ezmaya was confused as I told her we were seeing FreyFrey and this was not what she had expected,  children don't really process death.

"Hi Freya.. I miss you.." I began.