First Love, Last Love

Lonely

Sofia

It had been 2 weeks since we lost Freya, it came as such a shock. One minute she was here, a happy and healthy new mom. The next she was just gone.

I had known Freya since I was 3 years old. We met when I started nursery, she was one year ahead of me at school but we were always the best of friends.
I didn't know how to cope with her being gone.

Who would I talk to when I was feeling down, who would make me feel better. Nothing would ever be the same again.

The worst part of losing Freya was the fact she died without knowing what happened to her mom.
I was always going to tell her but I could never find the right words and now that chance had been taken away from me.

Her dad of course had been in contact, he wanted baby Becca, said she should be with her family. But WE were her family.
Freya and her dad didn't talk and Becca was better off with us, Corey wanted her to be with Lucy and Smit and I think Freya would have wanted that too.

Her dad wanted to pay for her funeral and to have her buried near him but I had to make sure that didn't happen, Freya would want to be near me and Becca, she wouldn't want to be near her dad. And Jaxon and I would pay for her funeral and make sure it was amazing.

This would be the day I would go to the chapel of rest to see my beautiful best friend.
I had given the funeral director photos of her so they could make her look like herself for friends and family to visit it was her next of kin it was my choice who would be allowed to see her and who wouldn't.

I got a phone call that morning saying her dad had requested a visit, I allowed it, after all he was her dad.

I also got a call to say Lucy Angelo had requested a visit, I allowed that too, Lucy had took on baby Becca and it was only right she got to say her final goodbyes to Freya.

Ria knocked my door and distracted me from my thoughts. I went and answered it.

"Are you ready babe?" Ria asked.

"Hmm, what for?" I wasn't with it.

"You said you would walk to Aimee's with me?" She smiled.

"Oh yeah.. okay. Come on Ez we're leaving." I called to the living room.

I helped Ezmaya with her shoes and we headed out, it was only a 10 minute walk, Aimee had offered to watch Ezmaya while I went to the chapel and Ria was heading over there for a coffee and a catch up.

We got to the road I held Ezmaya's hand and pressed the button on the traffic lights.

My mind was else where, all I could think of was if Freya would look like herself today, I didn't know what to expect.. Jaxon had told me she would look like she was sleeping but I was skeptical.

I heard Ria shout Ezmaya, it pulled me back to reality, I looked ahead and Ezmaya was running into the road, a car was inches away from hitting her, everything felt like it went so slowly.
I knew I didn't have enough time to get to Ezmaya and pull her out of the way.
I reached towards her but I felt like my arms weren't even moving.

Ria grabbed her and pulled her back on the curb before the car hit her. The car beeped it's horn really loud and long.

I leaned down to Ezmaya's level and hugged her tight "oh my god baby are you okay? Mommy didn't even feel you let go of her hand, don't ever run into the road like that.." she just looked at me and smiled.
She wasn't even 2, of course she didn't understand.

"She's fine babe." Ria reassured me.

"But she wouldn't have been if you weren't here!" I had tears in my eyes. I almost lost her.

"But I was here, kids move so fast, it's not your fault." Ria said softly.

"It was my fault. I shouldn't have let go of her hand." I was angry at myself.

"Your head is a mess right now it's fine she's not hurt." Ria hugged me.

"I was almost burying my daughter too.." I couldn't hold back the tears.

I picked Ezmaya up and carried her the rest of the way, I didn't want to put her down to walk ever again, how was I meant to cope with a new baby and a toddler, I couldn't even keep my eye on the one I had.

We got to Aimees and I said goodbye to Ezmaya and told her to be good, I had to get to the chapel, it wasn't far so I walked. I needed to clear my head anyway..

Once I got to the chapel the funeral director took me to a little room, there was a sofa, a door to the toilets and a little table with 'dealing with loss' booklets on and a box of tissues.

"She's just thru that door there, room 2" the funeral director said to me "would you like me to take you in or would you prefer to go in when you're ready?"

I asked for a minute first and she nodded and left me.

I sat on the sofa, the smell is something I will never forget, a musky smell.. if anyone ever told you death doesn't have a smell they lied.
It was definitely there.

There was music playing, church music, slow and quiet, usually I wouldn't have even noticed it but in such a calming place the sound stood out.
The walls were all painted a calm blue and there were paintings of mountains and hills hanging on the walls.

I got up and walked through the double doors, there was a corridor with 4 doors, 2 on each side.

I walked over to the second door and pushed it open, I didn't know what I was expecting to see..

As I opened the door I saw a plain white room, with a grey carpet, there was a white table in the corner with a vase on and a single flower in it, the same music from the waiting area was playing in there too. Just inside the door was the foot of the coffin, it was a very small room.

The coffin was on a white stand, the inside of the coffin was lined with a white silk, I walked to the side of the coffin and looked at her face, Jaxon had lied, she didn't look like she was sleeping.

The first thing I noticed was the stillness, when someone sleeps you see slight eyelid flickering, small rises and falls in the chest, you don't even realise you see it, until you're in a situation where it isn't there. Then you notice. The stillness was something that would stay with me forever.

I looked at her face, they had gone heavy on the makeup, I suppose they had to.. her skin would have been so pale otherwise.
I noticed a tiny smudge of foundation on the white silk.

I looked at her lips, from a distance she looked perfect but up close I saw all the flaws, just inside her lips I could see a black colouring, I don't know if it was dried blood or if it was just the way a dead body looked..

I moved my hand to her hand, under her nails had gone grey, I moved my fingers over her skin, she didn't feel human.. I felt like I was touching a wax figure.
Her fingers wouldn't bend or move, I didn't want to push, I was so worried I would break her..

"I'm so sorry this happened to you Freya.. you had your whole life ahead of you, your life with baby Becca and Corey, you shouldn't be here.."
I was in tears at this point, my stupid tears were dropping onto the fabric of her coffin, I was worried I would get told off for it.
"I will never forget you and I will make sure Becca always knows who her mommy was.."
I couldn't say much else, I just stood there and looked at her, remembered everything we had been thru together. All our firsts, first day of school, first period, first kiss, first boyfriend, first job.. we had done everything together and now she was gone.

I didn't know how to live without my best friend..