First Love, Last Love

Goodbye Friend.

Sofia

Today is the day I lay my best friend to rest, the most beautiful, kindest , warm, caring person you would of ever met.

Her own daughter had to go through a loss at only a few days old.
she's perfect to just like her mum, I know her nanny will be watching over her and looking after her mummy up in heaven.

I wasn't ready for this to ever happen but when would you ever be ready to bury your best friend?

We got her a horse and carriage because I wanted her to be remembered forever, a white coffin with pink around it and beautiful white horses with pink around their ears.
It was a funeral fit for a princess and she would have been so proud of me for pulling this off.

I wished my mom was here, I knew she would put me and Jaxon through hell but right now I just needed my mom.

I was so angry with Freya the day she died.
I know how selfish being angry at a dead person is, but she had left me behind on this earth without her.
How was I suppose to cope now?

What if I needed someone to moan to?
someones shoulder to cry on?
Someone to sit and watch movies and eat so much chocolate till we feel sick with?

Where are you now when I needed you the most Freya!

The hardest thing about this was telling Ezmaya that Freya wasn't coming back.
she is only 1 almost 2 and she cried for a good hour, but then she bounced back and asked to watch Peppa Pig.

I suppose she will forget you Freya eventually, she is only a baby but I will never forget what you did for me.
You took care of my daughter when I couldn't and I will do the same for you.

I have given her the perfect story for when shes older, I will always remind her that you are her mommy but Lucy and Smit will love and cherish her until they no longer can.

I dropped Ezmaya to my dad's, a funeral was no place for her.

The horse and carriage pulled up outside my house and I saw the coffin.
I sobbed instantly. I wasn't ready to say goodbye and I was being forced to.
What I wouldn't give for just one more day together.

I had to hold myself together for the reception yet, I didn't know how I was going to do that.
I was finding it impossible! I kept crying, it just kept coming on our if no where.

I actually felt like my heart was broken, my mind wouldn't stop telling me 'this isn't real she's going to jump out of that coffin and shout 'gottcha' in a minute'.

I know shes gone, deep down I do know, but I keep telling myself she will never really gone.

The horses started walking up towards the church,
A while load of people turned up to her funeral, Half of the people I didn't have a clue who they even were and I had known Freya my whole life.

There was still no sign of Corey.
Ria and Katie came up to me and gave me the biggest hug, I really needed it.

Random people just keep apologizing for her death, I just want everyone to leave me alone.
I needed to hurry up and get this over and done with so I could be alone with my thoughts.

The ushers carried Freyas coffin down the aisle.
She could of got married in this church, she loved this church.
We used to sneak in here when we were younger to see a very good looking guy, and we got told off all the time he was Freya's first boyfriend, we had so many good memories and now that's it there will be no more.
They will eventually just fade away like she will.

'Miley Cyrus When I Look At You' played as they walked her down.
I used this song because I would never been able to see Freya again, but when I look at Becca I would see a part of Freya.

At the time I had thought it was a good choice but it just made me cry even more.

It was a perfect day for a perfect best friend, it just upset me that I would never see or hear her voice ever again, and I've got so much hate for Corey right now how could someone not want their baby, after loosing his girlfriend he should want his daughter but he's selfish.

I saw him sitting at the back of the church, he couldn't even come and sit in the front where all her friends were.

He's lucky this is her day otherwise I would have gone down on that fucker like a ton of bricks.
Jaxon was so supportive through out the whole thing, he held my hand and got out of his seat to come up with me as I was about to do my speech.
It was for moral support, I really didn't know where I would have been without him.

I got out of my seat and headed up towards her coffin and made a speech for her,

"My Dear best friend..
Thank you for all the memories, thank you for raising Ezmaya for the first year, thank you for being my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my happiness.
My world fell apart the day you took your last breath and now I'm broken."
I was sobbing, but Jaxon was there squeezing my hand and helping me carry on. So I did.

"I lost my best friend, you meant the world to me. I know you're up in heaven with your mom now..
I will take care of your little girl she's got a new family that will love her unconditionally.
I know you would of loved her, she really is your character. Never change princess I'll see you soon okay."
I don't know how I held myself together but I did and I was so proud of myself.

After the buried I headed to her grave on my own. I just wanted to talk to my best friend. I always told her about my day..

"The atmosphere in the church was amazing, everyone was cheering for you Freya. For the life you lived.
You were everyone's shinning star today! We had an amazing send off for you Freya. We sent off loads of balloons and celebrated your life because you were such a good person and you don't deserve to be gone."
I was crying again but this was all I had done today.

"I spoke to Corey for you, I didn't make it awkward because it wasn't the place but he will never be able to be a part of Becca's life, he told me he still hadn't changed his mind and he was leaving the country, I said I'm glad and I hope you find the happiness you couldn't find here with your daughter."

I sat in the floor beside the grave and bit my lip.
"I watched them lower you in to the ground I wasn't Ready to let go, I threw pink roses. I put your favourite teddy in your coffin at the chapel of rest and Becca's first blanket, At least she will be there with you to keep you safe.
I hope you never forget me, because I'll never forget you. See you on the other side baby girl."

I got up and wiped my tears away. Freya wouldn't want me to be crying all the time. She would want me to live my life to the fullest, with or without her.
And I would do it.. for her.

Freya Reed 05.05.1999 - 19.02.2020
Beloved daughter and mommy
Lost her life to soon.