First Love, Last Love

TRIGGER WARNING. I Almost Ended It.

Sofia

I got a text off Lucy this morning..

Lucy; Smit is in hospital he tried to commit suicide last night and I've got a 7 year old girl in therapy today and I can't cancel. Could you come sit with Smit while I do my appointment and then I promise I will be straight back? Xx
I couldn't believe it.

Sofia; oh my gosh of course I will, I'll drop Ezmaya to Ria and I'll be straight over. Xx

I text Jaxon asking if he was free to let him know his uncle was in Hospital but he didn't reply and I didn't want him rushing from work all worked up.

I drove to the hospital wondering what he was thinking was he stupid, he had got so much going for him even thought he was a complete dick 9/10 times but he was all Jaxon had left.

I was ready to give him my peace of mind when I walked into the hospital room but he looked so unwell, his colour completely changed.
He didn't look like Smit..

I went and sat next to him and held his hand while he was sleeping.

I text Jaxon telling him what had happened and not to worry and that I was sat with Smit.

I waited almost an hour without a doctor coming in telling me if he was okay, if there was anything they can help him with.

He woke up coughing, his throat was so dry and he could barely speak, you could see the rope mark around his throat.

I handed him a glass of water and helped him sip it.
He was a breathless and his colour was pale he didn't quite look like himself he smelt so bad of alcohol I was guessing.

He didn't think this through I needed to see why he would do something so out of the ordinary.

"You okay Smit?" I asked when he was finished with his water.

Smit groaned. "I'm just grand, you?"

"smit you are far from fine." I sighed.

"Sofia have you ever been inside a body you never wanted to be in, the body you don't even recognise when you look in the mirror?" He asked sadly.

"No I haven't" I admitted. "but Jaxon felt like this to. He got help"

Smit nodded. "Jaxon is a fighter always has been. I've given up. I don't want to be here in this world anymore." He was tearing up.

I did too "why do you say these things, you've got so much going for you Smit!"

"I'm married Sofia." He winked at me.

"Smit can you for once in your life please take this seriously it's not a game.." I was so frustrated with him.

"Sofia you wouldn't understand how I'm feeling I didn't want to be saved." He closed his eyes.

I was livid. "How could be so selfish! you have Jaxon, Lucy, Ezmaya and me!?"

Smit looked at me. "I'm sorry I'm just angry at myself for not noticing that you felt this way." I said to him.

"I'm a private man Sofia, I hide my feelings through alcohol and sarcasm." He said coldly.

"What made you feel this way?"  I was hoping he would open up to me, I know I'm not a shrink but I wanted to be here as a friend.

He stuttered at first and couldn't really get his words out.
I think something horrible happened to him and he hated letting people in.

Smit began "it started when I was younger, my father beat me just like Jaxon's mom beat him.. but I was stronger and I walked out Jaxon stayed, that's why I didn't stay around much. I started noticing bruising on him and how he was frightened of his mother.. I started sleeping around with random women for around 10 years." He frowned. "then I met Lucy and I found my perfect women, she was everything I wanted she made me feel safe and happy then we tried to have a baby, over 2 years it took to find something was wrong and it wasn't with.. Lucy it was me."

His eyes were full of tears but he kept going. "I can't give her the one thing she wanted the most she wanted to be a mother.. imagine how that made me feel I couldn't be a man and give her a baby, that's when I started turning to alcohol and became a dick and started cheating on my wife and she still stood by me through everything.
And the final thing that keeps haunting me is I killed Jaxon's mother.
I strangled her at the strip club I grabbed her stupid head and smacked it up against the wall over and over again.
she was a disgusting excuse of a mother and didn't deserve them boys! And there are people like me that can't have children.." he began coughing.

I was in absolutely shock.
"Smit oh my gosh, I never knew what you were going though.. You poor man does Jaxon know you killed his mom?" I asked cautiously.

Smit shook his head. "No and don't go telling him, it's something he doesn't need to relive."

I agreed. "I won't I promise. have you tried adoption? Or IVF?"

"Lucy didn't want to do either she wanted it to be our baby.. if that makes sense." He looked away. I couldn't imagine how he was feeling.

"Yes completely. I'm so sorry I didn't realise what you both were going through you're both such strong characters." I sighed. How was I so oblivious.

Smit fell back asleep after that, he had been though so much.

Me and Lucy switched over at Smits hospital bed. She was such an adoring wife.

I needed to get home to see my husband and Our perfect little girl.

Smit

I couldn't believe what I had told Sofia.
I must have been off my face to tell her about Debbie. I hoped so badly she wouldn't tell Jaxon.

Lucy was by my bed when I woke up "hey baby how you feeling?" She asked me.

"I feel better after speaking to Sofia, you know she really is the sweetest girl Jaxon is a very lucky guy." I meant what I said.

Lucy kissed my hand. "You look a lot better, I've spoken to the doctor and they're going to see it they can sort some kind of therapy out for you mentally and physically."

"I appreciate everything you do but we can't afford things like that, we need to start organising money for when we decide to adopt I just want you to make the happiest women." I smiled at my wife. She deserves the world and I was going to give it to her.

Lucy shook her head "that's never going to happen, you know how expensive it is to afford a baby they're not cheap and I don't think you're in the right head space right now."

"I want to be a dad before I die and Lucy I really want to be a dad so bad it's been eating me up inside for years.
I just want to give you the one thing you want. Please can we think into having a baby?" I begged her.

Lucy nodded. "we can think about it Smit and talk about possibilities" she agreed.

"I love you so much." I said to her.

Lucy smiled "forever and always."