Broken Seams ✓

CHAPTER 27 - SEPARATIONS

CHAPTER 27 - SEPERATIONS

Killing someone is one of my biggest fears, nobody can change that. Only I can. Could I really kill someone again and have blood on my hands? Could I really watch them as they gasp for air in pain? I won't be able to forget it, it'll stay with me. Will it be necessary? I hope not.

Georgie knows that I'm a killer so does everyone else out here. Doesn't Julie know? There's no way anyone else in my house knew about it, right? Either way, I know that killing isn't something that I have to do. It's not the only option like Adam and Ryan said. I hope that Ryan was joking or maybe- maybe he knows about all of this. I just have to be prepared to do anything- the rioters are after me and there could be more of them. I can't let myself get killed, there would be no point in that. Then again, if I stayed at home with Julie and did not know a thing about myself but I wouldn't be the same. That town wouldn't have been slaughtered and things would be very different from now. Adam wouldn't have been taken. I stopped dwelling on it for too long, I decided what I needed to do because I'll never be the same even with my memories. I don't want to believe it though. We always chase normality and going back to things how they were before but change is inevitable.

As usual, I made my way to my bag and got changed into my black tracksuit. We couldn't wash it due to the lack of water but we would be able to survive with or without it. Our clothes smelt awful and so did all of us. Our hair was mostly tidy since we had our own hair brushes here- Adam kept a bag full in the empty room. All of this became my norm, going to train, living in poverty and determination kept us going. It all felt very strange to me. Everything was so hostile and yet I knew nothing about this place. I wondered how everyone else was feeling and if my mother actually cared that I left. My feelings were all over the place but it'll be okay eventually. Right?

I decided that I won't be reading Julie's diary in my breaks. I can't let myself be distracted by it anymore when I'm training. My mood goes sour each time I read out of it which makes me not want to train. Instead, I would read it in the mornings and at night when Georgie is asleep since the moonlight always reflects onto the bed. Giving me enough light to read the diary with ease. Putting Jullies book down from my bed, I headed off to the training room after I finished reading another page of information about her artwork- the only thing that kept her sanity. Some of the pages included the information that I needed. Hopefully, when I read it later, I will be able to get the information I require to understand my family and hopefully some ideologies they have. Most of this never made any real sense, I'll get it eventually.

While I was thinking, I forgot Tracy was in the room until she got up and glared at me as I sat on the mat.

"Stop with the daydreaming, Dani." Tracy said as she frowned, her forehead creases made her look like she was the same as my mother for a moment.

Eagle wasn't around so I took this as a time where I could see the true side of Tracy instead of the facade she puts up. There must be more than that beneath the surface than professionalism.

"I was thinking about something- that's all." I muttered as I got up and leaned on the wall while looking at her.

Tracy didn't say anything nor did I for a while as I watched her clean all of the rifles in the holders.

"How did you join this gang?" I said, walking up to the rifles and hanging them in their wall holders. She looked up at me and smiled to herself for a moment before hiding it again with her blank expression as she usually does when focusing on something important to her.

"I wanted an end to all the violence, I joined after living in the rubble." Tracy muttered, giving me another rifle to hang up. My hands ached as I picked up another one of those heavy rifles. Would I be able to carry one of these and fire it? Pistols were okay but I don't recall using a rifle.

"But you use violence to make peace." I replied as I held the rifle in my hands trying to hold it properly.

What if we aren't as good as we think we are? Both of these gangs use weapons but is it really needed?

"If necessary." She said before tugging the rifle from me and hanging it herself, her face became red as she glared at it.

I didn't say anything as I looked at her, I started to make my judgments. Two gangs fighting for either peace or destruction. And I'm part of it. Even if I don't want to fight them- they took Adam away from me. They'll pay.

"Did I ever tell you about my mother?" I said, looking away as I thought about Julie's diary. Tracy stopped cleaning the rifles to meet my eyes.

"Of course. You always talked about her..." Tracy said as she wiped the sweat from her brow. "You didn't talk at first- until Adam came. You opened up more and told me about your life at home. Most of this gang has spoken to me about it since I give them a review each week and others get therapy from me. Adam never spoke about himself though- he might have with you."

"I don't think he has. Why didn't he talk to you?" I asked as I remember how Adam revealed very little about himself, I wonder why. Maybe he does have secrets.

Tracy stared at the floor before pulling my tracksuit collar down, I remembered how she did this every day for years and all of the places we went.

"Everyone else thought of me as their second mother. Adam never could do that." Tracy answered, I fiddled with my fingers as she let me go to turn away and sighed.

"Did I really think you were a second mother to me?" I asked before stretching my back, she glanced at me with a small smile.

"Yes. You said your mother never liked you. I told you once how I've always wanted kids but I never met the right person. Eventually, I realised that I was happy with my little group here and I thought of them as my own. You weren't around Alex's house for five years, Dani. They had no idea where you were. They were too scared to come out here."

"Couldn't you just tell me what I said?" I muttered, realising how she was revealing more about herself. Tracy cared for all of us, in her own way. But why was she hostile towards me at times? What did I do?

"Of course-not. I don't want you to get overwhelmed with everything, it's best if you find out with us. If I have to tell you as we find Adam, I will. I'm trying to figure you out again, Dani. I have a lot I want to say about but I can't. One day, it'll work out and when it does I'll tell you everything. I don't trust you just yet. That's all- you no longer know the protocols." Tracy said.

"Have you lost anyone because of the rioters?"

Tracy didn't move an inch as I looked at her, she remained silent.

"Can I tell you something?" I asked, Tracy snapped out of her daze to look at me with her glazed eyes.

"Go ahead," she said, "nothing about the Rioters though."

Breathing in, I could feel my throat becoming dry as I thought about everything he did to me.

"I was engaged before the accident." I muttered, "To Ryan."

Tracy grimaced as she looked at the floor.

"That so?" She said before touching my ring.

"I was forced to." I said as I found it harder and harder to regulate my breathing.

She looked at me before speaking.

"I was in a similar position with all of this. I'm glad I chose to be here." Tracy said as she rubbed her knuckles, "my sister left when she was twelve. Ran away from our parents."

I raised my eyebrows that sounded familiar- did I see it on the news?

"How come?" I said, glancing away at the logo and then the punching bags.

"She met someone." Tracy answered.

"What was her name?" I asked.

"Hannah-" She muttered, "She was in the Upper District."