Love You With The Lights On (Lesbian teacherxstudent Story)

fifty two

⚠️⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: TALK OF SELF-HARM EVIDENT IN CHAPTER. PLEASE KEEP YOURSELF SAFE AND SKIP OVER THIS CHAPTER IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!!!!!!!!!⚠️⚠️ I promise the next chapter won't be too long of a wait, if you need to skip it. I will upload two today, just to give everyone a chance to read an update.

I couldn't handle Emily practically hovering over me at her place, so I told her to leave me alone and went to the one place I knew would be empty, my mom and I's apartment. My physical place of residence, but not home. Home was torn between my mom and Emily. Home was not where I was heading.
This could possibly be the worst mistake normal me could have made in a time of pain, because I knew I wanted to be with Emily and Emily only, but my fear wanted her gone, pushed away, and out of sight. This would hurt less than seeing her hurt with me, but this could damage me more. I've never been good with feelings. They've always had to be dug up from the depths of my mind and by only one person, Dakota. She was the only one who could get me to talk about my feelings when something was wrong. I was getting to that point with Emily, especially when it comes to talking about my mom's sickness, but I think I'd scare her at this time. I'm scaring myself, honestly.
It wasn't my proudest moment to yell at Emily the way I did and I saw that my words hurt her, but I couldn't control it. These were all such new feelings, I don't know how to express them or how to process them. They came out as anger.
I was angry at everything and I didn't want to fall apart in front of Emily. I wanted to disappear and I didn't want anyone to talk to me.
I know Dakota's mom had called me, but I couldn't answer her right now. Everything was numb and cold inside. If I talked to her, the feelings I'm trying so hard to suppress would resurface and I wouldn't be able to cope again. I barely made it through the first wave alive.
I hadn't eaten in three days. It's been three days since Dakota died.
I've only gotten up to throw up at the memories of her absence and to feed Moose, who was also in bed with me day in and day out. He hasn't left me.
I laid emotionless on the bed, when I heard the lock on the door turning.
I didn't move, but I heard the door open, but I assumed it was just Andy.
I heard the kitchen being rumaged through then the voice that my heart longed to hear echoed, "Alaina, none of this has been touched!"
It wasn't Andy, it was Emily. How did she get a key? From my mom? That's the only logical option. Unless, Dakota's mom gave her Dakota's copy.
The floodgates threatened to open at the sound of her.
My door squeaked, announcing she was entering my room.
"Baby, you haven't eaten." She said sadly.
She didn't stay away. She didn't leave me alone.
The floodgates opened and I couldn't control the sounds that exited my body. I felt her hand on my arm, her lips on my head, then her body against mine. She tried to hug me closer with each sob that cried out.
"Why haven't you called me?" She whispered once my sobs turned into silent stutters.
I didn't answer.
"Come on, we have got to get you taken care of. How has no one checked on you?" She thought out loud as she forced me out of bed.
I knew I couldn't look good.
Her eyes filled with tears, then she pulled me to her, pressing her lips to my forehead.
I gave in and pressed into her fully, taking in the feeling of her again. I had missed it, missed her madly.
"Come on, we are going to get you showered and fed." She cuddled me for a few more moments.
I nodded against her chest.
Then, I froze. She can't see me naked right now. I had fallen into bad habits. Really bad habits, and the physical reminder of those bad habits resided on my arms. Thin red lines screamed at me, painful from their freshness, and newly scabbed.
I need to get out of this.
I looked for her keys and didn't see them, so I left her to find them. If she used Dakota's key, it would hurt for two reasons: 1. It was Dakota's 2. I would yell at her again to leave me alone, to save her from the sight of physical state.
She followed me, constantly questioning me, but I didn't acknowledge any of the words she spoke. Then I saw her keys. It wasn't Dakota's. I breathed a sigh of relief, then realized my easy out was gone.
"Do you want to eat first?" She offered.
I nodded.
That will buy me time before I had to figure out how to get out of the shower.
She fixed me food. She prepared cut up fruit, avocado toast with over-easy eggs, and a serving of yogurt with granola. My heart ached at the sight of her care. She really does care about me.
I began to cry as she set the plate in front of me.
"Em," I cried and shook my head.
"Sh, just eat. Don't think." She hugged my head to her chest.
I closed my eyes, forcing two tears to stream down my cheeks. I nodded against her.
I did just that. I could feel the wall I built around me crumbling just by her presence. I couldn't push her away forever. Part of my reasoning for shutting her out was fear of scaring her, another was my inability to express my feelings, and the most prominent one haunting my thoughts being the fear of losing her too. I'm on the verge of losing my mom, I've lost Dakota, I couldn't handle losing her too. I would not survive that. It's a miracle I've lasted this long after losing Dakota. She was my heart. I loved her more than I love myself.
I ate the food she prepared for me, every last bite. My body needed it. It craved nutrients. It craved food.
Once finished, she grabbed my hand and gently pulled me to my bathroom.
"Please, let me do this alone." I whispered.
"Why? Are you okay?" She asked.
I felt myself begging to tell her. To ask her for help. I can't handle this on my own. I need someone. I need her. Tell her.
I shook my head.
"Please." I whispered, fighting the voices in my head to tell her.
"Lainey, what's wrong?" She asked, clearly worried.
I hadn't taken a shower alone in so long, I'm surprised I asked for it. It's the only option I could come up with at this point.
I laid my hands on my forearms.
"You can't see." I shook my head.
"See what?" She took her hands from my body.
I pressed into the wounds, slightly enjoying the pain that followed.
"You— baby, why?" She asked, her hands laying over mine again.
I shook my head.
Her eyes filled with tears. This is what I was scared of, I was scaring her.
"You can't see." I told her again.
If she didn't see, she didn't have to tell anyone.
"You need help, Lain." She let a tear fall.
"Please, go." I told her.
"How did this idea even cross your mind as a good one?" She asked, clearly hurt. She was angry.
"Go." I told her again.
"Alaina, you need to get help." She stood strong.
"Get out! Go! Leave me alone!" I fully yelled at her, releasing all the pent up feelings.
She stepped back and nodded.
She began to walk out of the door, but that's not what I wanted either.
"No, please. Come back. Please." I followed her.
She grabbed her keys.
"Please don't leave me." I begged her.
She looked into my eyes.
"I can't be alone again. I'm scared." I admitted.
I threw myself against her, holding her as tightly as humanly possible.
"Please don't leave me." I repeated.
I needed her here.
"I'm not going anywhere." She gave in and hugged me gently.
I held her against me trying to forget everything for a little while longer.
"You have to promise me you will never do that again. I mean promise me, Alaina. I don't ever want you to hurt yourself again." She was firm.
"I promise." I nodded, trying to get closer to her.
She kissed the top of my head.
Maybe if I promised that to her, I would be more likely to resist. I'll be held accountable for my actions. The thought of her disappointment outweighed the relief I felt in hurting myself.
"I don't want to see them, so you give me anything you have that could possibly hurt you, then shower. I'll handle everything else. You focus on your well-being." She told me.
I silently thanked her, nodding quickly.
I gave her the remnants of the weapons and entered the bathroom.
I did just as she instructed and nothing more, nothing less.
I needed to be better than this. Not only for Emily, myself, or my mom, but for Dakota. Dakota would kill me if she saw the state of my being. She would not stand for this in the slightest.
Be better for her.
Don't worry about hypothetically losing anyone else, focus on surviving for the one that was lost. Live for Dakota.
Once changed, Emily held me until I fell asleep. I had chosen another long sleeve shirt to shield her from the sights. She didn't talk much more, but she was here. She was comforting. I needed this.
I wonder if this is going to affect our relationship negatively. I hope to God nothing comes between us. I hope to God I don't come between us.
I hope she forgives me for the ugly that is about to be experienced. I know I want to be better, but that doesn't always translate to my actions. I will yell more, surely, and continuously try to push her away. I just hope she is strong enough to push back and force her way in. My brain was a battlefield right now, I didn't even know what was happening, I don't expect her to know or understand, I just want her to stay.