HORNS (BoyXBoy)

Chapter 35

Chapter Thirty Five

I spent an hour staring up at the ceiling with Echo just sleeping on me like a fluffy potato.

My hand was resting on the back of his head, and I'd tucked my other one beneath the pillow under my own while I thought over all the things happening in my life. I thought about Kip and Erika, mostly... about all the times we'd shared together, the fun we'd had, and the way we'd spent hours and hours talking and hanging out as teenagers. I mulled over the intense crush I'd had on her and absently looked back at all the times Kip had urged me to just tell her about it.

I wondered, for a second, if I'd been the reason my confession to her had failed. I felt like I'd messed up by waiting too long to take the step forward.

I inhaled deeply, letting air fill my lungs to the bursting point, and then I sighed through my nose as I shook my head, swallowing. I wriggled my left leg, then my right one, and felt a strong spurt of confidence and irritation and denial run through me, overlapping my looming depression.

Sure, I was ugly and had a twisted anatomy. Sure, I had a fucked up background. Sure, people would have to be insane to want me at a first glance, but you know what? I was gonna make sure that I, at the very least, could be someone damn well worth loving.

I'll make the most of my time in college and start up a business of some sort, I told myself, wriggling my jaw and narrowing my eyes at the ceiling. I'll go for the full eight years, and maybe even an extra two or three so I can learn as much as possible. As of right now, I'm nothing any sane man or woman would want since I'm still jobless and living with my father.

If I couldn't be attractive, or desirable, or appealing in any way shape or form, there was only one thing I could do to make myself feel better--one way to make my depression truly and completely vanish and stay gone. I closed my eyes with a nod, steadying my resolve.

I needed to become successful somehow.

If I could turn myself into a man who was needed by people and become an essential person who could do things the way Sebastian could, I could at least have inner peace in the knowledge that I wasn't completely useless, because hey, at least I was contributing something. I would never be on Sebastian's level, but I wanted to start building up some savings of my own.

For a time, I thought about what my life at Wake Forest University would be like once I got there. I wondered if I would have interesting neighbors in the apartment complex, wondered if I would actually have my own freedom with Aerin and Bash and Jun and Raphael and Huang hovering around me all the time. I wondered if it would be fun to teach Echo about feelings.

I glanced down at the fluffy little creep, taking note of the drool on his inky black fur. His ear twitched and he shifted somewhat, but his breathing didn't change. I studied his features for a while, wondering who he really was on the inside and what sort of guy he would become.

As of now, in my head, I thought of him as an empty shell. To me, he was kinda innocent in a weird way because he didn't understand feelings, but when he began to have them he was going to struggle with them hardcore.

What would he do when he felt anger for the first time? Would it rage out of control and cause him to lash out? What about sadness? How would he handle the pain of it when he finally began to feel it? Would he cry and be unable to figure out how to stop? And what about joy? And irritation? And disgust? Jealousy...? Regret...?

Hatred...?

I frowned, instantly feeling worried, because he would soon be experiencing all of these the same way that newborn babies still unable to process or remember things did--as a fully functioning adult, with no time to learn or adjust. That made him dangerously unstable and wildly unpredictable.