For you (Kim Namjoon x Reader)

Chapter 36

He tried to make himself comfortable on the couch. Compared to everything else in the apartment, Namjoon was a giant. You returned quickly from the bathroom with a first aid kit. He watched in delight as you rummage the content, your hair pulled up in a low messy bun. He was beginning to like this look, it had a home-like feature that made Namjoon relax.

"May I?" you asked. Grabbing his hand, you carefully dabbed rubbing alcohol on the wound. He let out a small hiss but remained strong in front of you. "You're reckless." you sighed.

"You stood still in front of a speeding car, I think we can both see who the reckless one is."

"Shut up," you punched his shoulder lightly. His laugh occupied the room, and he pulled you into a tight hug after you put a bandaid on. Your head fitted perfectly into the crook of his neck. His arms slithered onto you back and you did the same. The material of his sweater was warm and incredibly soft. You were glad that Jimin went back to the academy, because he would certainly have tossed Namjoon out of the apartment if he saw this. You just wanted to be with Namjoon in this moment with no questions asked.

After he saved you, he took you home. During the ride, he said nothing of where he went, only that he was thankful he got there on time. Your heart seemed to have stopped, you didn't feel fear when you saw the car. But it did explode when he kissed you. The sensation of his lips lingered on yours even until now. He was ecstatic when you invited him up with the purpose of patching his wound, but he forgot all about the physical pain of his hand.

"Don't do that again," you you urged, "don't do reckless things again."

"For you, I'd do anything." he said without hesitation. When you both pulled back, one of his hands reached up to cup your cheek. He had every intention of kissing you again, and tell you his honest feelings, but you turned away. "What's wrong?"

"This." you answered. "This is wrong. I don't understand what happened and now we're like this. Sometimes you hate me and then other times you make me believe that you love only me. I'm just so confused." Namjoon wondered how he should tell you, and he wondered if you would even believe him. Considering his actions towards you, it didn't seem like forgiveness is a possibility. Nevertheless, he had to tell you everything. He stood up and knelt down on the ground in front of you. "Namjoon..."

"No, let me talk first." he smiled. "I'm so sorry. I was a fucken asshole and treated you so poorly because I had believed a truth that my mother completely made up. She painted a picture of you in my mind that broke my heart. After you left that day, she told me that you only cared about me because of my money and that being with me didn't give you any real joy." It made sense now his talk of money and how he had mocked you for being a slave to your job.

He continued, "It was all a lie that she made up. I was blinded by hurt and the colors drained out of my life. When I saw you again, I was still so angry, at you and at myself for still loving you. I couldn't stop. Please believe me on that."

"I don't know," you shook your head, some things still didn't make sense.

Namjoon understood, "Before I came, I was with my mother. I confronted her and she told me she hired someone to use my voice to piece together whatever elaborate lie she told you. It was not me, I would never say those things. You're not just some girl I wanted to waste my time on, you were and are someone I want to invest my whole lifetime on."

You stared down at your hand, avoiding looking at his face because if you did, your words would falter. "I...I appreciate you telling me this. It's unfortunate that we were both deceived. It wasn't your fault, I know that now. But I spent so long trying to get better, to regain the me that I lost, and I..."

"Y/N," he hummed. "I understand. I don't expect you to forgive me. I was a jerk even when you were trying your best. Again, I'm so sorry. "

He was a jerk, but that was only because he was also protecting his shattered heart. You did the same by running away from any hope. It could have been the tone of his voice, or the tears in his eyes, or his shaking body, but your heart nagged at you to hold his hand, which you did. "I'm sorry too." you told him. "I'm still hurting. The easiest way for me to cope was to blame you. When I cried, I blamed you. When I failed, I blamed you. When I stopped painting, I blamed you instead of my inability to paint something that would have meaning. But I can see now that you are too. So let's not hurt because of each other anymore."

He nodded gratefully and hugged your stomach. He felt some invisible shackles breaking and he felt truly alive and free now. Seeing that it was getting dark outside, he stood up. "I should get going, and let you rest." he said, a bit of hesitation in his voice.

"Oh, right." You had completely forgotten that he doesn't live here and eventually, he would have to depart. Apparently, that's how the world works and you were so caught up in the moment that the fact brushed over you. It made you strangely disappointed. "Are you sure you can drive with your injury?" you asked.

He nodded while looking at his hand. "I should be okay. It was fine when I drove here."

"Are you really sure?"

"Yes, don't worry." he laughed. You walked him to the door with heavy steps, mainly because of your ankle. You shouldn't be feeling this way, this random and unjustified outburst of longing for him. Namjoon wasn't going to disappear from your life again. Still, you didn't want him to leave right now. Wishful thinking. "I'll pick you up tomorrow." he promised. "Good night."

"Good night," you replied with a small smile, unable to hide the disappointment in your voice. The door shut. You took a few steps from it when a knock came. Confused and a little excited, you walked back to it and was exuberant when you saw his dimples.

"Um, can I stay for ramen and movie?" he asked shyly. "Actually, can I stay over? I'll sleep on the couch. I just really don't want to leave you tonight." The tingles crawled over his body as he bit his lips and watched you pull him in by the hem of his sweater.