Recovery - Justin Bieber

44. Chapter I'll be in hell with Jason

Your POV  

I woke up next to my boyfriend. It only took me a few seconds till the reality hit me again.

How did I get into bed? I looked down at me, looked at me closely. My hands were clean and I had on a shirt, a shirt of Justin.

Justin lay beside me, his arm was protectively on my body, his face was turned in my direction. Even asleep he looked worried and restless.

I carefully lifted his arm to free myself from his embrace and stood up. He immediately woke up and looked frantically around.  

“Where are you going?”, he asked, half asleep, but ready to get up immediately.  

“Bathroom.”, I answered shortly, unable to feel emotions or to show them. The only thing I felt was disgust, loathing myself and disgust at everything and everyone.

The whole world is sickening. Justin looked at me with concern, he sensed that something was wrong with me.

I was sorry, but I couldn't change it. He tried to touch me, but I shrugged off. I didn't want to be touched, I didn't even want to touch myself. I'm a monster, I hate myself.

Someone like me can't be loved. I could feel Justin's eyes on my body when I left without a further word to the bathroom, and closed the door behind me.     

I pulled off the shirt from my boyfriend, looked at me with disgust in the mirror and then took a shower. The hot water running down my body and I moved no whit. I just stared at the tiled wall in front of me and did nothing. Simply nothing.  

“Baby, are you okay?”, I heard Justin call worried through the locked door.

Normally we never close the bathroom when we take a shower. Often we take a shower together. But now nothing is normal.  

“Why?”, I asked as he picked me out of my rigid with his question. It took a long moment before he answered.  

“Now that you're in there for two hours, I was worried.”  

I looked down at my body, surprised that I was in the shower for so long. My fingers were quite wrinkled and my skin was discolored.  

“I'm almost done.”, I said monotonously and turned off the water.  

“Okay, I'll wait for you downstairs, baby. Breakfast is ready.”, he said hesitantly when I heard his footsteps leaving the room.  

With wet hair, no make up and comfortable clothes I made my way to the kitchen. The three boys were waiting for me. All eyes on me, staring at me with concern.

I have never felt so uncomfortable around them as at this moment. Giovanni walked right up to me and hugged me tightly.

My whole body stiffened. Every touch hurt me, not physically but inwardly. Automatically, I had the feeling that I can't breathe. His embrace crushed me.

My eyes met Justins, we stared at each other, I've never seen him like this. He looked vulnerable and anxious and that was my fault, only and alone my fault.  

“Sis, how are you?”, asked Giovanni, who was still holding me in a tight embrace. He kissed me on my still wet head. His lips were burning on my skin.

Normally, I liked it when he was so loving to me, because he wasn't like that often. But now it felt bad, it felt wrong. If I didn't know better I would think that my heart has stopped beating in the basement last night.  

“Everything will be fine.”, Gio whispered in my ear as he slowly let go. I looked into his eyes as his gaze changed immediately.  

END POV